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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Things Women Never Say
You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again? I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class. The new girl in my office is a stripper; I invited her over for dinner on Friday. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. Bar food again? Kick --s! It's only the third quarter; you should order a couple more pitchers. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day! Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare butt! I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again. Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You are so much smarter than my father. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter. Honey, pull my finger! |
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Cannibals...
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" |
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I do have a single word sentance that requires no additional information to be completely and clearly understood. "Duck!" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif However, duck is four letters, so technically it's longer then "I am." despite being only one word. It is faster to say though, being only one syllable instead of two. Pretty much any verb can be used as an imperative one word sentance where the subject is unterstood from the context in which it is used. Geoschmo [ November 13, 2003, 12:42: Message edited by: geoschmo ] |
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Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide.. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."..
"What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife as well, and I'm getting a little desperate.".. "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?".. "She's tall, with long blond hair, long firm legs, huge boobs and a very nice tight butt. What's your wife look like?".. "Never mind, let's look for yours |
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now read this thread like this
http://www.psyclops.com/translator/t...;f=23;t=009580 http://www.psyclops.com/translator/t...0&mode=redneck p.s. new strongbad http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail88.html |
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Leo's older brother. he left the circus. said he didn't like chair's.
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Rick, Susan, and Amy were hanging around when all of a sudden the phone rang. Rick got to it first so he answered.
"Hello?" Through the handset, Rick heard what no earthly man was meant to hear, and immediately began sputtering gibberish, then clutched his head, writhed in pain, and fell to the floor unconscious. "What happened to him?" asked Susan. "Oh, he must have answered the call of Cthulhu", said Amy. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif |
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This year's "Feeling old?"
THE CLASS OF 2007 Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman. Here is this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. There has been only one Pope in their lifetime. They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the cold war. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tiananmen Square means nothing to them. Bottle caps have always been screw off and pLastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial. Feeling old Yet? There's more: They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. Roller skating has always meant inline for them. Michael Jackson has always been white. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird or Magic Johnson play. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork) They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!" They do not care who shot J.R.and have no idea who J.R.was. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands. There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mother Superior gathers up all the nuns in the convent and says, "I have to tell you something...We now have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." A nun at the back says, "Thank God. I am SO tired of the Chardonnay." |
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Young Kasparov, upon seeing a zebra at the zoo:
"Look, Daddy! That knight can't decide which side he's on!" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first
half of a proverb and asked him or her to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders .. "6" year-olds, because the Last one is a classic! Better to be safe than............ punch a 5th grader. Strike while the ...............bug is close. It's always darkest before................ Daylight Saving Time. Never underestimate the power of..............termites. You can lead a horse to water but............... how? Don't bite the hand that................looks dirty. No news is...................impossible. A miss is as good as a....................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new.............. math. If you lie down with dogs, you'll............ stink in the morning. Love all, trust...............me. The pen is mightier than the................pigs. An idle mind is...............the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's..............pollution. Happy the bride who............gets all the presents. A penny saved is............... not much. Two's company, three's.......... the Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what.......you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose. There are none so blind as............Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries. You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box. When the blind lead the blind............ get out of the way. And the favorite: Better late than........................... pregnant |
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Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane. Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately. Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..! "Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children. As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. "And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. " |
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I remember when all this be again...
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, then smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running! |
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NSFW http://www.pornolize.com/cgi-bin/por...forum%3Bf%3D23
Yes I put a warning there... It is quite funny but warning do not click on it if your offened by harsh language. http://www.pornolize.com/ is the site link i know... two Posts with site changers... |
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http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif not for children... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif
It's quite funny, though. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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Tesco, please rewrite those Posts so that the displayed text on the hyperlinks does not screw with the forum formatting...
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gee, a logically constructed political arguement.
what? you thought i meant here?? |
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a qoute, from: http://www.sfwa.org/writing/mistakes_allen.htm
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[ November 25, 2003, 10:50: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
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I was in the VIP lounge Last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied "**** off, Gates, I'm in a meeting." |
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a really bad joke...
once apon a time, there was a fisherman who went out farther and in more dangerous weather than anyone else. in fact, he went out no matter the weather, even in gales. when the other fishermen asked him how he did it, this fisherman, who wasn't very articulate, just mumbled "no capsize." this left the other fishermen very puzzled. what did it mean? did he mean that he couldn't capsize? that he knew some secret to keep from capsizing? did he just not capsize and not know why? however, they got their answer's finally, after many weeks of asking, when they learned it was something he didn't have that they did. the fisherman, obviously making an effort, pointed firmly at his hatless head and said "no cap size." i told you it was a really bad joke and i'm not responcible for any mental trauma, nail biting, intense urges to kill me, halotosis or going out fishing without a hat and getting mauled by the other fishermen for a gross violation of etiquete*. *i have never been fishing. |
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WHO SAID MEN AREN'T SENSITIVE?
A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bearson the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by the evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over andasks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns:"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." |
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Everybody that has been a college student MUST feel for this guy!!!
Electron Band Structure In Germanium, My A** Abstract: The exponential dependence of resistivity on temperature in germanium is found to be a great big lie. My careful theoretical modeling and painstaking experimentation reveal 1) that my equipment is crap, as are all the available texts on the subject and 2) that this whole exercise was a complete waste of my time. Introduction Electrons in germanium are confined to well-defined energy bands that are separated by "forbidden regions" of zero charge-carrier density. You can read about it yourself if you want to, although I don't recommend it. You'll have to wade through an obtuse, convoluted discussion about considering an arbitrary number of non-coupled harmonic-oscillator potentials and taking limits and so on. The upshot is that if you heat up a sample of germanium, electrons will jump from a non-conductive energy band to a conductive one, thereby creating a measurable change in resistivity. This relation between temperature and resistivity can be shown to be exponential in certain temperature regimes by waving your hands and chanting "to first order". Experiment procedure I sifted through the box of germanium crystals and chose the one that appeared to be the least cracked. Then I soldered wires onto the crystal in the spots shown in figure 2b of Lab Handout 32. Do you have any idea how hard it is to solder wires to germanium? I'll tell you: real goddamn hard. The solder simply won't stick, and you can forget about getting any of the grad students in the solid state labs to help you out. Once the wires were in place, I attached them as appropriate to the second-rate equipment I scavenged from the back of the lab, none of which worked properly. I soon wised up and swiped replacements from the well-stocked research labs. This is how they treat undergrads around here: they give you broken tools and then don't understand why you don't get any results. Fig. 1: Check this sh** out. In order to control the temperature of the germanium, I attached the crystal to a copper rod, the upper end of which was attached to a heating coil and the lower end of which was dipped in a thermos of liquid nitrogen. Midway through the project, the thermos began leaking. That's right: I pay a cool ten grand a quarter to come here, and yet they can't spare the five bucks to ensure that I have a working thermos. Results Check this sh** out (Fig. 1). That's bonafide, 100%-real data, my friends. I took it myself over the course of two weeks. And this was not a leisurely two weeks, either; I busted my butt day and night in order to provide you with nothing but the best data possible. Now, let's look a bit more closely at this data, remembering that it is absolutely first-rate. Do you see the exponential dependence? I sure don't. I see a bunch of crap. Christ, this was such a waste of my time. Banking on my hopes that whoever grades this will just look at the pictures, I drew an exponential through my noise. I believe the apparent legitimacy is enhanced by the fact that I used a complicated computer program to make the fit. I understand this is the same process by which the top quark was discovered. Conclusion Going into physics was the biggest mistake of my life. I should've declared CS. I still wouldn't have any women, but at least I'd be rolling in cash. [ December 05, 2003, 00:51: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
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"Pun Man" strikes again:
Two peanuts walk into a rowdy bar. One was asalted. ------------------------------------------------------- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." ------------------------------------------------------- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." ------------------------------------------------------- A dyslexic man walks into a bra... ------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road." ------------------------------------------------------- Two antenna meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great. ------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" ------------------------------------------------------- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" ------------------------------------------------------- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." ----------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco Last week.... and pulled a mussel. ------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. ------------------------------------------------------- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" |
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Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first."Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. I have come to understand that now." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man and I hope no grudges are held against me." God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Hillary."Hillary, what do you believe in?" Hillary says "I believe you're in my chair." |
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There were these two gay guys in a bar.
One walks up to the other and says... "Can I push in your stool?" ===== There were these two gay women in a bar. One walks up to the other and says... "Les-be-friends." ===== There were these two gay guys in a bar. One walks up to the other and says... "Let's blow this joint." ===== do you know any more? |
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A Short Hot Love Story............
I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU... I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU... I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU GRUNT AND GROAN... I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE. YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS. ALL MY LOVE, THE FLU Just a reminder..............time to get a flu shot. |
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Man, this just kills me. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Happy BK Holiday:
http://load.pquinn.com/binaries/fries/ |
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A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply. |
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LOL. That one is funny! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
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A man dies and goes to heaven, but is told that Heaven is full at the moment and that he will be temporarily assigned to Hell. Furious at this (and remembering all the fun stuff he never did just so he could get into Heaven), he demands to see St. Peter. St. Peter arrives, takes him to a quiet corner and says, "You know, Hell is not what you think. There are no torture devices or fire, we made those up so you people on Earth would behave. In fact, Hell is similar to Earth, except that everyone owns a car and there's beer and women for everyone."
The guy has a hard time believing this, but given that it's St. Peter telling him these things he finally gives in and signs the transfer forms. The angel at the desk smiles and points him to an elevator. He enters the elevator, and the Devil enters right after him. The doors close and the elevator starts going down, as the Devil rubs his hands and snickers. The man, who by now is tired of being pushed around, faces the Devil and says, "You don't scare me, pal. I have it on good authority that Hell is just like Earth, except that everyone owns a car and there's beer and women for everyone." "The devil grins and says, "Yes, but the car is Russian, the beer is American and the women are psychologists." |
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LOL! There really is a HELL!
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This made me chuckle!
CREDIT CARD My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..." CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?" Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?" CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... ) CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. ) CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..." Me: "Oh..." CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..." Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...." CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?" CitiBank: "That might help." Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. ) CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!" |
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property." "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me." |
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how'd they ever get married???? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Kelly: "This is my mother." |
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when i was in school, something, perhaps my shoulder-length hair, prompted some people to try to insult me by implying i was a girl. this is about what 80%+ of them said: "He's a girl." generally, word for word.
somehow, i just couldn't feel insulted by people with that loose a grasp of the english language. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif aside from the slight fact that i was kinda over the 'girl germs' stage. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif |
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Your school was, I think, very different from mine, Narf.
When I was in tenth grade one of the anti-heroes, rebellious types generally of the leather-and-chains, skater, or granola crowds, wore a skirt to school. Tom Poe was a leather-jacket-wearing punk, a very intelligent and personable guy. He was suspended for three days for 'causing a distraction' or somesuch. The next day hundreds of guys were wears skirts. Jocks, punks, hippies, goths (oh especially the goths, and fishnet too), wunderkind, hicks, everyone had some guy in their circle who wore a skirt some time in the next few weeks. Tom still had to serve out the rest of his little sentence, but the school officials sure as heck didn't do anything about any other guys wearing skirts. In fact, there were at least three guys (all straight) who continued to wear skirts with some frequency for the rest of their time at Palmer. As an epilog, Tom Poe dropped out the next year. I ran into him a while back and he owns about a dozen houses that he maintains himself and rents out. He still dresses in the black denim, leather-and-chains style, but now he drives a Porsche. The whole three years I was at that school, no one ever, ever got ragged on for the way they dressed or the way they kept their hair. Not even the two or three Rasta-wannabes. And no one was ever publicly called out for questionable handling of their love-lives. You can be sure the word '****' was used at some point, but it was never a big enough deal that someone got hurt. Damn that was an incredible school, I sometimes wish life after High School was more like High School and less like Junior High. I just thought everyone grew up, I didn't know that Palmer was a special place. |
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well, high-school was better than elementary. but i think that's all i want to say, because i'm still trying to forgive.
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Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist .. AND . When women have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to Last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will Last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine' GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow. GO AHEAD At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing" |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
i think you posted that before.
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
or something like it...
how about a blond joke? What do you call an intelligent blond? ans: A Golden Retriever. [ December 15, 2003, 22:26: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
This happened in a little town in Mexico, and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. Without thinking about it, the guy got in the car and closes the door just to realize there’s nobody behind the wheel. The car starts off slowly, the guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming this way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve. Gathering strength, the guy gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went thru. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn’t drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, “Look Pepe, that’s the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it.” http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
hmm...possilby another 'rocket engine on a trunk'...
[ December 15, 2003, 23:59: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Quote:
http://firststory.homestead.com/file...Rocketcar3.htm and don't miss the launch.... http://firststory.homestead.com/file...Rocketcar2.htm [ December 16, 2003, 15:31: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG...
TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT: 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from your neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Shoot the pill down his throat with a rubber band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your Last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take Last pill from foil wrap. 13) Tie the little b*stard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Berough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for the ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and phone local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. TO MEDICATE YOUR DOG: 1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg. |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
ran into this in the sig of an Michael A Chase at baen's bar(forum).
Quote:
[ December 17, 2003, 05:38: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
+--------------- Bizarre Acts of Dumbness -----------------+
A man who said he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller and led police on a chase that never went over 5 mph. Fina- lly, a police officer walked up and jumped onto the machine, forcing the man to stop. A businesswoman was at work one day in San Francisco when a colleague saw her take out her credit card and slide it into the 3.5-inch floppy drive on the computer. Her colleague asked her what she was doing and she explained that she was shopping on the Internet. A 23-year-old woman was arrested at the Salt Lake City air- port hotel when she tried to pay for her visit with three $16 bills. A man who installed windows in skyscrapers was showing his customers how strong each pane of glass was by getting a 10- foot running start and jumping against the windows from the inside. However, the windows must not have been as strong as he thought: one shattered and he plummeted 27 stories to his death. Two Texas men tried to rob an ATM by attaching the ends of a chain to the front of the machine and the bumper of their truck. When they pulled, the bumper fell off the truck. The men then panicked and fled the scene, failing to notice that their license plate was still on the bumper. *** |
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