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Polands's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. |
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Memo To All Staff From Tech Support
Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Dec. 31, 2003. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: 1. No OS problems. 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support Q. My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I create a New Document window? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. What's the shortcut for Undo? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A. Don't shake it. |
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You know you haven't played enough SE4 when...
You find yourself saying, "Select racial traits?!? What is this, some kind of evil Nazi eugenics program?!? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif " You don't understand the subtle reasoning behind the "attack base" design type... "how can a base attack? it just SITS there! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif " You think that SM is something kinky that goths do in their free time http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif --- You know you've played TOO MUCH SE4 when... you wonder why the people of Iraq are so angry - there are so many troops over there! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif You think that gold costs $40 a copy, not $400 an ounce http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif You believe that when Germany took over Poland in WWII, the Poles still looked like Poles, still breathed their own atmosphere, but otherwise took on all outward resemblance of Germans. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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http://lavendereyes.rivkashome.com/m...ry&storyid=128
this is the funniest thing i have ever read, even late at night when my humor runs away from me. those are two of my favorite worlds/characters. [ December 19, 2003, 11:18: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
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well, this isn't quite as funny, but it's worth a few chuckles:
http://lavendereyes.rivkashome.com/m...ory&storyid=76 |
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you know, someone else should post here.
another rocket engine on a car? i don't know, but it's funny: http://cuagain.manilasites.com/stories/storyReader$287 ran into the link in the baen bar. bar.baen.com |
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Want to hear something funny? Nasa is actually doing serious research on personal flying vehicles. They are a car/plane combo that needs very little runway to take off and land. the idea is to have many tiny airports near work centers and have people fly to and land nearby then drive the few miles to work.
This is supposed to help relieve the congestion on the highways. Gee, now we'll have to worry about falling cars. I wonder what that will do to car insurance? LoL Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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The dead rarely come to collect on the insurance http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif
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Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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http://sats.larc.nasa.gov/main.html Sorry. No mention of car/plane combos. Considering how many Canadian communities are totally dependent on air taxis services, I would think that you would welcome the concept. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif In the past, especially before WW2, the USA had a lot more local small (potentially commuter) airports. They have been in even a steeper decline recently as traffic at the hubs exceeds capacity. The down side… post 9/11 security considerations. |
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Flying cars? That would be soooo nice! No more getting stuck in traffic jams.
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The best thing is that wreckage automatically removes itself from the flow of traffic after a collision http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif
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Top Ten Signs you've Hired a
Bad Department Store Santa 10. He recently starred in film called The Full Santy. 9. Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?" 8. Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach. 7. Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe. 6. Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow. 5. When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap bastards." 4. He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho." 3. Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf. 2. His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face. 1. Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?" |
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LOL! What is that thing, some sort of high-energy plasma chamber?
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Freaky American History
(Fact or Fiction?) Here's a little part of history which makes you go h-m-m-m-m-m-. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Lincoln was shot at the theatre named Kennedy. Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln". Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker.... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
And if they had been shot somewhere else, they probably wouldn’t have died. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. This is false. Lincoln had no one in his staff on record named Kennedy. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Booth was from Maryland. A border state, but remained part of the Union during the war. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Booth was born in 1838. Lincoln was shot at the theatre named Kennedy. Uh, Ford’s theatre dude. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. That’s a stretch. It was a barn being used for storage. Not exactly a warehouse. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. Cute. I think you meant to say he was in Marilyn Monroe. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif But that is false as well. She died over a year before the assasination. [ January 03, 2004, 05:20: Message edited by: geoschmo ] |
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Redneck Drivers License Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can. Last name: ________________ First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]Can't tell Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) if you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No) Firearms you own and where you keep them: [_] truck [_] kitchen [_] bedroom [_] bathroom/outhouse [_] shed [_] pawnshop Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you Subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know |
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FarmCA Humor Archives HUNTING two
THE HUNTER'S DIARY 1:00 am Alarm clock rings. 2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed. 3:00 am L' Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup. 3:05 am". Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am'- Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent. 4:30 am- Head into the woods. 6:05 am - See eight deer. 6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am:- "Click". 6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill. 8:00 am L Head back to camp. 9:00 am:. Still looking for camp.. 10:00 and - Realize you don't know where camp is. Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries. 12:15 PM - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back. 12:20 PM Strange feeling in stomach. 12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries. 12:45 PM - Rescued. 12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped. 3:00 PM - Arrived back in camp. 3:30 PM - leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 PM - Load gun - leave camp again. 5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you. 6:00 PM - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp. 6:01 PM - Load gun. 6:02 PM - Fire gun. 6:03 PM - One dead pickup truck. 6:05 PM : Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer. 6:06 PM Repress strong desire to shoot partner. 6:07 PM - Fall into fire. 6:10 PM - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire. 6:15 PM • Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods. 6:25 PM - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block. 6:26 PM - Start walking. 6:30 PM Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud. 6:35 PM - Meet bear. 6:36 PM - Take aim. 6:37 PM - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:38 PM - Make mess in pants.. 6:39 pin - Climb tree. 9:00 PM - Bear departs - wraps gun around tree. Midnight - Home at Last. Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it. IT'S LABELED: Simon and Bubba are going deer hunting on his uncle's land. The uncle doesn't want any of his cows getting shot, so he tells them that he has every deer in the area labeled "Deer", so they'll know when they see one. The very next day, the uncle goes out into his front yard and sees his brand new John Deere Tractor dead. NOT GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH: Simon and Bubba were out hunting in the woods when Simon decided he couldn't wait to go to the bathroom anymore. "Man, Bubba, I've got to use the bathroom", he said, "but I don"t have any toilet paper". "Just use a dollar", said Bubba. So Simon proceeded around a tree to do his business. A few minutes later he came from behind the tree with brown stuff all over his hands. "I thought I told you to use a dollar", exclaimed Bubba. "I did", said Simon, "but have you ever tried to wipe your bottom side with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel"? SLIPPED AND FELL A guy was telling his friend about his recent hunting trip to Alaska. "We were out in the woods all morning and our guide decided that we should take a break along the river bank. I wasn't feeling tired so I went for a stroll while the others were resting. As I was walking, a grizzly bear burst out of the undergrowth in front of me. I turned and started running like hell through the woods with the bear after me. The bear almost caught up with me but slipped and fell down. I kept running and the bear almost caught up with me again twice, but slipped and fell each time. I finally reached the river bank. The guide saw the bear chasing me and shot it dead." "Wow!" replied his friend, "That's incredible. If I were you, I would have wet myself." The first guy answered, "What do you think the bear was slipping. Bear Hunters Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge boar, shot at it ,but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he cold. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" IDENTIFICATION TAG: According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bans used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated: Wash. Boil. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from a weekend camper: "'Dear Sirs: While camping Last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible." 'The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service. IRISH HUNTER Finian Finegan was doing some brickwork on the fireplace in Mr. Cabot's expensive home. He was much impressed by the moosehead over the fireplace. Tis a beautiful animal, Mr.. Cabot, bigger even than the great Irish Deer, Oi'm thinkin." t' "Yes," said Mr. Cabot, "that moose was a fighter among moose. I traveled for three days into the back country where I hunted this moose. I passed up four other bulls before I came upon this gigantic track. I tracked him for another day and a half before sighting the monster. It took three hours before I could get into a position Where I could shoot him, and when I finally got the monster down and butchered him, it took no less than four pack ponies to carry the meat and head out. That's what a truly huge trophy he was." Shaking his reddish curls in admiration, Finian said, "Truly, tis a great hunter you are, Sir, and a great animal that is. Do you mind if Oi go into the next room and see the rest of him?" THE EXPERT: The game warden approached a duck hunter, asking if he had shot any ducks or geese. When the hunter claimed two ducks, the ranger asked to see them. On picking up the first duck he tipped it up and sniffed it's anus. "Ahh" said the ranger, this duck comes from the Alberta region. The hunter said, "that's amazing," and then he passed him the second duck. Once again the range sniffed the duck's backside, and promptly announced, "this duck migrated down from the Yukon.".... "wow, I'm impressed," said the hunter. Now the warden said, "May I see your license and duck stamps, please?" "Sure," said the hunter, handing him his license. "I see there's no current address showing on your license; sir," said the warden, "would you mind telling me where you're from?" Bending over the hunter says, "You're the expert, you tell me!!!!!" Oh ya, for you enterainment: http://rolltidebama.com/jokes/Redneck_Deer_Stand1_1.jpg http://rolltidebama.com/camphousepics/donnydear12.jpg [ January 02, 2004, 08:41: Message edited by: Atrocities ] |
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88 HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET ID931
ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg. OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used incorrectly. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields if pressure applied in correct places. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has greet affinity for gold, silver and a range of other precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly in saturation with alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man COMMON USES:Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. HAZARDS: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in contact with each other |
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Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. 2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. 5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. 8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked. 9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. 10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. |
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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant... much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!" |
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http://chengeu.orcon.net.nz/picts/bushladin.jpg
This is NOT funny! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif |
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Darwin Thing, dubious but entertianing.
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But this is funny and very British...
http://he.fi/video/LSD_Being_Tested_...ish_Troops.mpg This is a very big download... (Kids, don't be fooled, the experiment could have gone very badly. What did happen to the bloke that had to be removed?) [ January 05, 2004, 20:15: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
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http://www.norvig.com/Gettysburg/index.htm
Yep Powerpoint presentation.... Those who are lucky to work with people who present these stupid things will have a laugh |
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But with any powerful hallucinogen the user needs to be aware of their subconscious. Things the user may not think are a problem, things the user thinks they are over, or things the user "really doesn't care about" might much more than they seem, churning beneath the surface. Insecurity is the big bad'um, and that looks like the one that got that guy, judging by his face. Unfortunately, an user of a potent hallucinogen who is overwhelmed by his or her insecurity will not be helped by well meaning comfort-givers, or codling, or tending, as these tend to feed the 'needy' part of the user and bring out the discomfort all the more. The appropriate solution is to tell the user that they are being given something that will help (typically "This will bring you down."), and give them something that will make them feel different. Since they are still under the effects of the hallucinogen, the difference in perception from a number of substances may be interpreted as "I am getting better." by the user's addled mind. In fact coffee, tea, milk, or even hot water can be used for this, as long as the user believes they are being given something that will help. If a number of people are using a powerful hallucinogen together their moods tend to progress together, so it is also important to separate the user having a 'bad trip' from the other Users, as they are only a thought away from having a bad time themselves. So don't use acid, it's bad for you. |
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Snippit from the Lego Astrobot website while on the way to Mars...
"So, we are in a near-vacuum. That sucks?" http://www.redrovergoestomars.org/astrobots/d17.html |
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that's weird. L's post says jan 7, but i'm pretty sure it was there before today.
[ January 07, 2004, 21:41: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
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Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...
I only had one officer Mr. Keg.. Back off Barney, I've got a piece. Want to race to the station, Sparky? I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen? How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute? Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job! Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. "Bad Cop! No Donut!" I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on "COPS" Last week on TV? Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket So, uh, you "on the take", or what? Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? Aren't you one of the Village People? |
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Very, Very Punny
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion is allowed per passenger." 2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. 3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10. And finally... there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
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Wardad,..
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well, those were loaded.
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hm...potential...
http://altdelusions.keenspace.com/d/20030203.html |
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The cartoonist who draws that comic must be from another planet. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif
I didn't get the joke about the smiley "dimensional existence operating system", so I clicked the "today" button. ....um, OK, it's a borg cube bus. o_O It took me 10-15 seconds to figure this one out. |
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well, it was mildly amusing. but he could have done better.
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
From Actual Welfare Applications
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
A guy goes into a store to buy a brain. He says to the guy behind the counter "what do ya have?" Well, I have a doctors brain for 50 thousand,...or I have a lawyers brain for 100 thousand,.... And I have a teenagers brain for 250 thousand. "TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND???" " why is it so much? "Because it's never been used".....
------------------------------------------------- http://dynamic3.gamespy.com/~tropico.../MenAtWork.jpg [ January 16, 2004, 18:45: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
http://www.planettribes.com/allyourbase/media.shtml THE MUSIC VIDEO! [ January 19, 2004, 18:10: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Note, if you are having trouble below;
1) select the cancel button by pushing the mouse button down over it without letting go. 2) drag the mouse off the button and then let go. 3) Now press Shift-Tab 4) Press spacebar to activate the command. |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Truth!!!!!!!!!!!!
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion. The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington. When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a taxi cab, a gas station, or a motel in Florida. [ January 20, 2004, 00:48: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Nothing happens even after you press the spacebar to activate the command. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
and you really thought anything that convoluted that wasn't a console cheat could be true?
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