Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Meh I got a little chuckle out of this one

A preist a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and order a beer.

The rabbi see's a fly in his bear and in a sad tone says "God must be punishing me" and raps his robe around his face and leaves weeping softly.

The minister sees a fly in his beer and says "Now I must ponder if this is a sign from God." and leaves the bar.

The preist sees a fly in his beer grimmaces reaches in to the beer and grabs the fly by the wings and with a strong Irish accent says "Spit it out or I'll excomunicate your arse!"

___________

The Scotsman
By Brian Bowers


A scotsman clad in kilt, left the bar one evening fair
One could tell by the way he walked he drank more than his share.
He fumbled 'round till he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

(chorus)
Ring-di-diddle-i-didi-o
Ring-di-diddle-i-o
(Last line of verse)

About that time two young and lovely girls happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping scotsman so proud and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.

(chorus)

They crept up on that sleeping scotsman quiet as could be.
And lifted up his kilt just an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view, beneath his scotish skirt.
Was nothing more than god had graced him with upon his birth.

(chorus)

They marveled for a moment, one said we must be gone
Lets leave a present for our friend, before we move along.
They left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonny star the scots kilt did lift and show

(chorus)

The scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards a tree.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
In a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Och, lad I dont know where you've been but I see you've won first prize!

(chorus)

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

So this is the place for jokes and riddles eh? How about we all trade links for Online comic strips..

Me first, (Thanks to Rollo for this link)..

Hagar The Horrible

Enjoy! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

two calvin's:

http://www.reemst.com/calvin_and_hobbes/?page=day
http://www.ucomics.com/calvinandhobbes/

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.


Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.


Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.


Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.


EVER WONDER ...


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are t hey called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

oh no.....
don't let Narf see that list...

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

If birds fly, why don't fly's bird?

The wing is on the bird, no that's absurd, the bird is on the wing.

I can fly higher than a beagle...

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

(This was written by a black man in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!)

When I born, I black,

when I grow up, I black,

when I go in sun, I black,

when I cold, I black,

when I scared, I black,

when I sick, I black,

and when I die, I still black.




You white folks......

when you born, you pink,

when you grow up, you white,

when you go in sun, you red,

when you cold, you blue,

when you scared, you yellow,

when you sick, you green,

when you bruised, you purple,

and when you die, you gray,

So who you callin' 'colored folks'????

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

A man went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First thing the dentist says to him, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

The man replies, "No, please don't do that! I'm terrified of needles!"

The dentist said, "Okay, I'll use the gas to put you to sleep."

The man says, "No, you can't do that, either. I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Hang on a minute, I'll go look for something else."
After a bit, he came back with a couple of pills.

The man asks, "What kind of pills are these?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "What? Will they help with the pain?"

The dentist said, "No, they won't do s**t for pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth."

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

http://www.updater.co.uk/

do not click on this unless you like swear words...

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Several New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (but not White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals, looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanation required-everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

----------------------------------------------
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

WARNING - Really Sick Joke ....

EDIT ...too sick for some...

[ March 23, 2004, 13:09: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Banner adds possibly Not Safe For Work.

A nice photoshop, though.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

From another board. <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">CSPD blotter is here. I don't think I can link directly to the indicated entry because of the way they have the page set up.

[ March 14, 2004, 16:25: Message edited by: Loser ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Definitly Not Politically Correct HUMOR....

REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 12:49:20 -0800


The discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE, causing uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a chosen lifestyle.

Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans' unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle.

Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican."

The finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never freely choose that lifestyle!"

When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego on TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich, you know."

Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of the same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican at least once -- or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, although most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't be denied civil rights which other minorities enjoy.

If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs.
For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.

------------------------------------------
But why should they be allowed to marry?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're In your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said:
"I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented:
"I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said:
"I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

AAAHHHHH!!! Still trapped in The Crimson Room!!

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Don't dispair, you're just missing two items,.. did you know that some things can be 'shaken' to see if there is anything in them? (shaken as in multiple mouse clicks.) This info should help.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Okay ... the hot spots on that thing are way too small; some of the places you have to look are almost impossible to get to, despite the fact that it would be rather simple to get to them in RL.

I got out - you never do use that regular key....

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Good to see this thread has sprung to life again. Now... The funniest jokes according to US Senators. {clicky}
I'd like to say that they're all funny, and by that I mean funny as in stange, embarassingly square, and not funny ha ha.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">DO you have to have some special Version of IE for this? I am clicking like a madman on all this stuff and nothing is happening. I have found the items Timstone listed, but nothing more. I can't get anything else to do anything.

EDIT: Never mind, I found instructions on how to get out of the room on the net. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[ March 18, 2004, 21:01: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Hey there, anyone up for a challenge? See if you can escape this room..
The Crimson Room

Yes! I have escaped from this dubious trap. So let's see how smart you lurkers are eh?

Muahahahahahaha, I dare you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Okay, I give up. It really pisses me off after some time.
I found these things:
- Red box
- Battery
- Empty CD case
- Memorandum
- Gold key
- Silver key
- Cassette
- Power supply cable
- Often-seen type key
- Thin ring with sculpture

I can see I miss some things, but I really couldn't see where they put them. As I said, it pisses me off. Tell us the solution when you're ready.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Woah.
Not very inherently difficult except that interface was absolutely horrific. The bad grammar and nonsensical items don't help either.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">ok, also found: a slightly heavy >ring<. and a metal rod.

-SPOILER-

both rings can be stuck on the circles on the red box. nothing happened after that, but i think your supposed to put something in the rectangle.

-SPOILER-

watch the film carefully.

[ March 19, 2004, 04:38: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I'm still trapped. I've been trying for almost an hour now. I click everywhere and got a bunch of items but now all I keep getting is "There is no strange thing.", "There is nothing" and "It is stale CD player." and a several other Messages.

I'll keep trying. Not going to give up yet. This is not as bad as Myst was. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

if you don't want to ruin the suspence, don't read my spoilers. or, if your just getting agravated, read them. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Thanks, I'm trying to figure this out without looking at any hints.

I have the following items so far:

red box
battery
A note with a URL
CD case with no label
small silver key
small golden key
cassette tape
metal stick
often-seen type of key
power supply cable
thin ring with sculpture
slightly heavy ring

Warning: spoiler.
I figured out how to open the red box by using the two rings and the metal stick. I insert the battery and cassette tape into the box and it plays a movie of a silloutte of a guy dancing. I have no idea what to do with that. The guy seems to point at some star-shaped object beside him but I don't know what that means.

I'll keep trying.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

warning: spoiler.

Oh, man, not another one of these combination locks. I remember playing a game a couple of years ago where I spent a long time trying combinations. I'll just keep trying all the numbers from 0000 to 9999 until the safe opens. I think I'll try it in reverse order from 9999 down because I assume that the programmer is evil.

But before I try that, I'll look for hints on what the combination might be.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Hint:
A note with a URL

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Yay, I got out! It took me two hours!

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

-SPOILER?-

-SPOILER?-

-SPOILER?-

anyone found a cd? didn't need it, but the case was there.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I didn't find a CD - I suspect the CD case is just a hint to look in the CD player.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I'm just not even sure how to classify this one.

Under "T" for Tolkien?

"S" for Star Trek?

Maybe just put it under "W" for What the F was he thinking? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Click to play movie

Ah the 60's, so many drugs, so little time. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Geo, that was too funny, (rotflmao)

thanks I needed that.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

'I taught I taw a puddy tat.' - Security guard, after ordering all animals out of the building
'You did, you did taw a puddy tat. And a moo-tow and a bid dorrila and a giddy-up horty and a little montey.' - Tweety

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

http://www.bobthesquirrel.com/panels/20040313.gif

don't ask me to explain it.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I never knew there was a video to go along with that song. Geo you have added a whole new amused and uncomfortable place to me today.

I'd put it under 'W'.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Now whenever I see Spock I'll be reminded of that video and won't be able to take him seriously. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif
Definitely a "W". http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Do any of you remember the Star Wars spoofs TROOPERS?

Those were damned funny and I can't seem to find them any more.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I freakin' hate Quicktime, so aren't able to view the video. What does it show?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">You couldn't find it because it was called Troops {link}, not Troopers. It's a great parody of Star Wars and Cops.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Anybody know what codec they're using for that?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Thanks capnq

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

what I liked was Table 4-24: One hundred traits, for fleshing out NPC's in d&d. Scroll down to #100.

1. Blah Blah Blah. 2. Blah Blah Blah. 3. Blah Blah Blah. 4. Blah Blah Blah. 5. Blah Blah Blah. 6. Blah Blah Blah. 7. Blah Blah Blah. 8. Blah Blah Blah. 9. Blah Blah Blah. 10. Blah Blah Blah. 11. Blah Blah Blah. 12. Blah Blah Blah. 13. Blah Blah Blah. 14. Blah Blah Blah. 15. Blah Blah Blah. 16. Blah Blah Blah. 17. Blah Blah Blah. 18. Blah Blah Blah. 19. Blah Blah Blah. 20. Blah Blah Blah. 21. Blah Blah Blah. 22. Blah Blah Blah. 23. Blah Blah Blah. 24. Blah Blah Blah. 25. Blah Blah Blah. 27. Blah Blah Blah. 28. Blah Blah Blah. 29. Blah Blah Blah. 30. Blah Blah Blah. 31. Blah Blah Blah. 32. Blah Blah Blah. 33. Blah Blah Blah. 34. Blah Blah Blah. 35. Blah Blah Blah. 36. Blah Blah Blah. 37. Blah Blah Blah. 38. Blah Blah Blah. 39. Blah Blah Blah. 40. Blah Blah Blah. 41. Blah Blah Blah. 42. Blah Blah Blah. 43. Blah Blah Blah. 44. Blah Blah Blah. 45. Blah Blah Blah. 46. Blah Blah Blah. 47. Blah Blah Blah. 48. Blah Blah Blah. 49. Blah Blah Blah. 50. Blah Blah Blah. 51. Blah Blah Blah. 52. Blah Blah Blah. 53. Blah Blah Blah. 54. Blah Blah Blah. 55. Blah Blah Blah. 56. Blah Blah Blah. 57. Blah Blah Blah. 58. Blah Blah Blah. 59. Blah Blah Blah. 60. Blah Blah Blah. 61. Blah Blah Blah. 62. Blah Blah Blah. 63. Blah Blah Blah. 64. Blah Blah Blah. 65. Blah Blah Blah. 66. Blah Blah Blah. 67. Blah Blah Blah. 68. Blah Blah Blah. 69. Blah Blah Blah. 70. Blah Blah Blah. 71. Blah Blah Blah. 72. Blah Blah Blah. 73. Blah Blah Blah. 74. Blah Blah Blah. 75. Blah Blah Blah. 76. Blah Blah Blah. 77. Blah Blah Blah. 78. Blah Blah Blah. 79. Blah Blah Blah. 80. Blah Blah Blah. 81. Blah Blah Blah. 82. Blah Blah Blah. 83. Blah Blah Blah. 84. Blah Blah Blah. 85. Blah Blah Blah. 86. Blah Blah Blah. 87. Blah Blah Blah. 88. Blah Blah Blah. 89. Blah Blah Blah. 90. Blah Blah Blah. 91. Blah Blah Blah. 92. Blah Blah Blah. 93. Blah Blah Blah. 94. Blah Blah Blah. 95. Blah Blah Blah. 96. Blah Blah Blah. 97. Blah Blah Blah. 98. Blah Blah Blah. 99. Blah Blah Blah. 100. No sense of humor. See #26.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - US Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

Five-second fuses only Last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies--- (And Lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- U.S.A.---Ammo Troop

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Sounds like good advice. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Found in someone's sig on the baen forums: I am Amnesia of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Prepare to be ... errr ....
thingy ...

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.


Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole damn thing.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

A guy is out with buddies -- has few drinks -- is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.

He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks --
"What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, "That's all I wanted to hear.