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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Deep Thoughts for Children
Friday, March 1, 2002 From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."... I believe you should live each day as if it is your Last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the Last day of their life? -- Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15 |
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With all the sadness going on in the world at the moment, it is worth pausing to reflect on the death of a legendary musician, which almost went unnoticed Last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peaceably at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in . . . and then the trouble started. |
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351 "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ================================================== ========== "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ================================================== ========== From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ================================================== ========== O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." ================================================== ========== A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your Last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." ================================================== ========== A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ================================================== ========== There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." (FYI-B-52 has eight engines) ================================================== ========== Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant "It took us a while to find a new pilot." ================================================== ========== A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." ================================================== ========== Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." ================================================== ========== One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ================================================== ========== The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, callsign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway" Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land." ================================================== ========== While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? ! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
A statistician gave birth to a son who weighed 8 1/2 ounces. She named him Max. But this statistician happened to be a Vietnamese immigrant, and her relatives in Vietnam were angry, saying things like "Why did you not give him a good Vietnamese name, hmm?" So when she had her second child, a premature girl weighing 4 ounces, she named her Min.
A few years after Min was born, the statistician again became pregnant. She gave birth to twins - a girl who weighed 10 ounces and a malnourished-looking little boy weighing only 2 ounces. What did she call them? ... ... ... Answer: Outliers! (Since one was bigger than Max and the other was smaller than Min http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif ) |
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Either its a US joke, or it refers to a graph. |
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math joke statistics
no graph needed to understand but useful anyway |
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Whoa there, 4148 (24601?), how'd you do that clever bit in your signature?
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Speaking of your sig, 4148, is the ISP in your sig your actual ISP?? The hwy16.com part? Because my ISP is hwy16.com, and I was wondering if you lived in my area?? (I live close to Fort Fraser, British Columbia, Canada)
Just curious. |
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OK - it's not really a joke and it's a bit political, but it is well done and I liked it.
http://www.themeatrix.com/ |
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FYI, there's no code in the actual sig, just an image tag.
The image is from a server (www.danasoft.com) that does all the work of picking the data out of your browser's image request, and filling it into the image it replies with. |
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Hey, TazinSpace, I hope you're not getting lonely.
Ate 1 too many rabbits made of dynamite. Yeah, I stole that joke from someone else. |
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Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......He says "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'
So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems. "Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on. "So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' and I don't want you to ever forget that. "Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and , "Here you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-*** attitude, you never will. [ May 21, 2004, 19:07: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
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Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. |
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Thanks. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long,I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, D*&$HEAD! DRINK YOUR F*****G BEER IN YOUR GO#@$MN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER#$%^$#G SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW. YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A@@%$@E?" ...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? [ May 26, 2004, 13:43: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
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That's gotta be the best answer to that question I ever heard: http://www.comics.com/wash/candorvil...-20040508.html
Now that is truly scary: http://www.comics.com/creators/andyc...-20040504.html [ May 29, 2004, 11:08: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
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ROFLMAO - not really. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif
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..Two avatars sitting in a forum, one avatar looks over at the other and says,.. "Who let you out of your frame?" To which the second avatar replied,.. "Frames are browser unfriendly and I try my best to avoid them."
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif P.S. IF <=funny THEN GOSUB Bonus_Points_For_Originality. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif [ June 02, 2004, 15:32: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ] |
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$davidsjoke = funny;
if ($davidsjoke == funny) { echo 'LOL!'; } else { echo 'That was lame'; } Or we could do it this way: $funnyjoke = true; if ($funnyjoke == true) { echo 'LOL!'; } else if ($funnyjoke == false) { echo 'That was lame'; } I could do it many other ways but this is enough. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif [ June 02, 2004, 17:42: Message edited by: Ragnarok ] |
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Rags, are you a polititian? Instead of giving an answer, you gave me two more ways to ask the question. LOL
Now THAT's funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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I will add an output section to my code so the answer is given. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Edit: There, I added a variable to contain the result of the joke. Then depending on the result, the code I had at first will now echo the correct result. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif [ June 02, 2004, 18:56: Message edited by: Ragnarok ] |
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Things you can say to your computer but not your girlfriend:
Oh great, spam again. You're cheap compared to my Last one. Stop offering me Viagra. Let go of my floppy. Hibernate. It went down. Whoops! Wrong port. Next year I'm getting rid of you and I'm getting a new model. |
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GOOD
A Richardson, Texas policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem -- a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (Gotta love that good ole American Entrepreneurial spirit!) BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car. |
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1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I asked, "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh**head's. 8. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 9. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 10. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What I do today, will probably burn my butt tomorrow [ June 08, 2004, 02:05: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
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I've been hearing about this song called 'send in the clowns'.
Any good? |
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45 top 20 RPG lists: http://www.webrpg.com/survey/
Pretty funny. From the 'Top Thirty Ways To Kill A Munchkin': Quote:
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FASHION ADVICE FOR THE CLOSE TO OR OVER 50 CROWD
Many of us "Older Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether we should conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results: The following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. |
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You just have to have the highest post, don't you? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
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You might be a Redneck If...
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general. 2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed. 3. You've ever used lard in bed. 4. Your home has more miles on it than your car. 5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve. 6. There is a stuffed opposum anywhere in your house. 7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. 8. Fewer than half of your cars run. 9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ***. 10. The primary color of your car is "bondo". 11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. 12. You stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. 13. Your family tree doesn't fork. 14. Your hairdo has never been ruined by a ceiling fan. 15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. 16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. 18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. 20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. 21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. 22. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. 23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. 24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. 25. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. 26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". 27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. 28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. 29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet. 30. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. 31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, ****head?" 32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food Groups. 33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. 34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" or "HEY!" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!) 35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. 36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. 37. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. 38. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. 39. You've been too drunk to fish. 40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. 41. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. 42. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). 43. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right' 44. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. 45. If your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels. 46. If you've ever financed a tattoo. 47. If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. 48. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. 49. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. 50. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. 52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. 53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". 54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. You might be a Red Neck hunter if... You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatly. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. There is a gun rack on your bicycle. If you’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house. Your hunting dog has a bigger grave site than your mother. On a stag night you take a real deer. You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. You have more pet names for your dog than your girlfriend. You've ever watched the game warden through your scope. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading. [ June 17, 2004, 05:51: Message edited by: Atrocities ] |
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TOP TEN WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR HYPOCRITICAL, PETA-SUPPORTING NYC NEIGHBORS:
10. Drive down Broadway with your deer tied to the hood of your car. 9. Hang your unbutchered kill from your fire escape to drain. 8. Show off your fashionable new deerhide moccasins. 7. Use the politically correct paradox--invite them over for a low-fat, low-cholesterol venison dinner. (Be sure to play "Bambi" on your VCR afterwards.) 6. Don't shower after four days in the woods. 5. Mount your deerhead over your fireplace. 4. Set out your hunting magazines on your coffee table. 3. Ask them if you can take their dog hunting with you. 2. Ask them if you can take their children hunting with you. And our number one way to piss off your do-gooder, hypocritical, PETA-supporting NYC neighbors: 1. Join the NRA. |
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THE HUNTER'S DIARY
1:00 am Alarm clock rings. 2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed. 3:00 am L' Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup. 3:05 am". Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am'- Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent. 4:30 am- Head into the woods. 6:05 am - See eight deer. 6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am:- "Click". 6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill. 8:00 am L Head back to camp. 9:00 am:. Still looking for camp.. 10:00 and - Realize you don't know where camp is. Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries. 12:15 PM - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back. 12:20 PM Strange feeling in stomach. 12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries. 12:45 PM - Rescued. 12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped. 3:00 PM - Arrived back in camp. 3:30 PM - leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 PM - Load gun - leave camp again. 5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you. 6:00 PM - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp. 6:01 PM - Load gun. 6:02 PM - Fire gun. 6:03 PM - One dead pickup truck. 6:05 PM : Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer. 6:06 PM Repress strong desire to shoot partner. 6:07 PM - Fall into fire. 6:10 PM - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire. 6:15 PM • Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods. 6:25 PM - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block. 6:26 PM - Start walking. 6:30 PM Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud. 6:35 PM - Meet bear. 6:36 PM - Take aim. 6:37 PM - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:38 PM - Make mess in pants.. 6:39 pin - Climb tree. 9:00 PM - Bear departs - wraps gun around tree. Midnight - Home at Last. Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it. dogyams |
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your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. 5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. 8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked. 9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. 10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
1 Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2 If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money. 3 If you push the cyclic forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the cyclic back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the cyclic back -then they get bigger again) 4 Flying NVS is not dangerous; crashing NVS is dangerous. 5 It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here. 6 The rotor system is just a big fan on top of the helicopter to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat. 7 Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8 It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible. 9 The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 10 Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first! 11 Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the helicopter another time. 12 The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival. 13 Always remember you fly a helicopter with your head, not your hands. Never let a helicopter take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 14 You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power 15 Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day. 16 A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them. 17 Hey WOJG, was that a landing or were we shot down? 18 Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 19 Trust your stick buddy .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened. 20 Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls. 21 Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. 22 Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease. 23 There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 24 The only thing worse than a PIC who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a PIC 25 Be nice to your Platoon Leader, he may be your Commander at your next unit. 26 Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind. 27 A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse. 28 Son, I was flying gunships for a living when you were still in liquid form. 29 It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune. 30 A GUN PILOT is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman. 31 A fool and his money are soon flying more helicopter than he can handle. 32 Remember, you're always a student in an helicopter. 33 Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed. 34 Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs. 35 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 36 There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots! 37 Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you... Runway behind you... Fuel in the FARP... Half a second ago... Approach plates in your helmet bag...The height/velocity you don't have. 38 Attack Aviation is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is. 39 Asking what a pilot thinks about DES is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs. 40 Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips. 41 Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Got this one of off RPGsurvey too.
I just got the perfect thing to do when doing a test. (Wish I could do this) When your doing a multiple choice test, take out a d4 and roll it. Don't actually choose your answer off of it, just roll it, check the number, nod or something and circle the right answer. It would help if you actually know the right answers, but I figure however well you do, you could probably crack at least one good comment. Not to mention the strange looks you'll get. Especially if you do well. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif [ June 18, 2004, 01:34: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
more from RPGsurvey:
Quote:
DM: 'You hit a wall' Player: 'I open it!' |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
From my own RPG games...
I buy a horse, I buy a bow. Can you use a bow? No but I might as well learn. (later) We see a kobold hunting party? We charge! Im going to use my new bow. You roll a one. Charging, on a new horse, with a new weapon, you rolled a fumble. At full gallup you just shot your horse in the back of the head. "I open the door and thrown in a fireball" "you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into the room" "I open the door and thrown in a fireball" "you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into the room" "I open the door and thrown in a fireball" "you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into a closet" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif "Your dog is dead." "I take him with me" In town they have it stuffed and a magic mouth cast on it. Now the comment in the game is "the dead dog checks for traps" as they thow it into the room where it stands and barks The Ogre in the group had a habit of having the Gnome check for traps, by throwing him. You see carved into a tabletop in the bar, "for a good time, call Hastur". What do you do? The dragon appears to be sleeping on piles of coin. You can see its sides moving slowly. "We sneak up on it and all attack together". It splits open and out fall carrion crawlers, rot grubs, and a small otyugh. The next day the town crier reports "Party of Brave Adventurers killed by Dead Dragon!" (the real pisser was that the party which had already killed the dragon had taken all thr treasure, except for the silver and copper of course) I yell at the charging Barbarian Leader "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME TO PROVE THAT YOU WERE YOU?". What is his reaction? I point behind him and yell at the Ogre "LOOK, ITS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!" What does he do? "We bash in the door." You enter and find... "We bash in the door." You enter and are attacked... "We bash in the door." You enter and find... "We knock on the door." Ummmm... ummm... a grumpy voice inside says "what?". We growl "Pizza" And our favorite long-running joke... Whats a cow cost? 16 copper. We buy a cow. But you are going into a dungeon. Yes we push the cow in front of us to "check for traps". We follow the cow. We are the Cult of the Cow! She is our leader! [ June 18, 2004, 15:34: Message edited by: Gandalf Parker ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
I don't know how true it is but it sounds good .... fun reading ..
Here's some stuff you never read in your history books LIFE IN THE 1500'S The next time you wash your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s: Most people married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they soon started to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women nd finally the children. Last of all were the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Houses had thatched roofs-(thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.) It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up a nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big Posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than plain dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floors to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance to hold the thresh. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and not much meat. They'd eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.Some- times stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." When they could obtain pork, it made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they'd hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They'd cut off a little to share with guests and all sat around and "chewed the fat." Those with money owned plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning & death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather round, eat & drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "Wake." England is old and small so the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they'd dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone-house" & reuse the grave. When reopening the coffins, many were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they'd been burying people alive. So they tied a string on the wrist of the "corpse", lead it through the coffin.up to the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
This sure sounds like a joke:
- Internationally, a material is not classified as a radioactive material until it has a radionuclide activity concentration of 70 Becquerels/gram. - In the European Community the unconditional release limit for materials containing radium is 10 Bq/g - In the United States, levels are much more conservative ... at less than 0.37 Bq/g. - In Canada, unconditional release limits are among the lowest in the world with unconditional release granted if the activity level is 0.30 Bq/g or less. Material with up to 1 Bq/g of activity may be acceptable for release if radiological assessments indicate that the way in which it is used will not result in any greater amount of exposure than if it were 0.30 Bq/g or less. - The coffee you drank this morning? About 1 Bq/g Fertilizer on your lawn? 2.2 Bq/g Your campfire wood? 3.4 Bq/g The Human Body? About 4 Bq/g http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif - If you live in the US or Canada, your kids are worse than radioactive waste! |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
The Head of Vecna: http://www.hut.fi/~vesanto/link.fun/stupid.pcs.html
Think about it... The Most Important D&D Guide You Will EVER, Yes, EVER Come Across: http://invasivesurgery.tripod.com/se.../headwall.html The munchkins Jingle Bells: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare...okes/xmas.html [ June 23, 2004, 06:21: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Two buzzards are sitting on a tree, waiting for something to die. And they wait...
And wait... And wait... And wait... And wait... And wait... And wait... And wait... And wait... And wait... And one of them starts grumbling... And wait... Still grumbling... And wait... Finally, the other one says 'Be patient. Something will die sometime.' 'Patience my ***, I'm going to go out and kill something!' Just as an informal poll, how many people read this thread? [ June 29, 2004, 04:49: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ] |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
I do
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