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Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">The joke is in reverse order. Like the forums. [ July 27, 2004, 14:49: Message edited by: Gandalf Parker ] |
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ohhh.
But its all the other forums that are in reverse order... Shrapnel is using the right order http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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[ July 27, 2004, 17:12: Message edited by: Suicide Junkie ] |
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Lets move to the proper thread. I like the jokes and riddles centre. Didnt mean to hijack it.
http://www.shrapnelgames.com/cgi-bin...&f=67&t=000024 |
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LOL Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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Yeah, sometimes when I read a different forum I'm surprised to see that it's in the wrong order. I click on page #1 and I read about halfway down the page and start wondering why these people are asking questions that are already answered in the previous post, and then I suddenly realize that the dates are all from 2002 or whatever.
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http://www.countyoursheep.com/d/20040726.html |
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Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif P.S. Oh and Narf, Owls eat mice, so next time look through the peephole before you open the door. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif |
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Owls do not eat eight foot mice.
*Whack* |
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In D+D giant owls probably do. You better be careful after all http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif .
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This is downright hilarious!!!!!!!!!! It’s Kerry and Bush singing “This land is my land”.
http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/conte...land&preplay=1 ...Warning: LARGE 3.7M download... |
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Interesting how Google works.
Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to fix its site: 1) Go to www.Google.com 2) Type in -- weapons of mass destruction--(DON'T hit enter) 3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the"Google search" 4) Read the "error message" carefully - the WHOLE page. Someone at Google really has a sense of humor. |
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Thats not a google problem. It worked the way it was supposed to. "feeling lucky" went to the most popular and on-topic site (based on the computers keyword database)
But it is a very well done page. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/14/14_6_12.gif [ August 03, 2004, 04:54: Message edited by: Gandalf Parker ] |
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INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:
---------- If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. -O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. -O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0- But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago,drank all the beer,then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan |
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You know what they say,.. "If it sounds too good to be true,.." Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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Narf, you would probably like this comic, although I'm sure you have read it already. This comic right here...clicky click...
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That's the webcomic that was in Phoenix-D's sig, that started me on my webcomic craze, that got me to buy a few print comics, that got me to ask if the library had comics, which they did.
So, yeah, I've read that one. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I'd read a few webcomics before that, but just as a casual thing. I think I might have bumped into Real Life and PvP before that. www.reallifecomics.com www.pvpOnline.com |
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Just amazing... the things you find in your email box...
------------------------------------------------ Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.""OH, Gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 Hamsters.... $10 1 Cage.... $20 1 Trip to the Vet.... $30 Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's winkie.... Priceless! |
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Q: What is wrong with Playstations Olympics game?
A: It is blantantly unrealistic. There are actually people spectating. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif |
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For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you..... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,.... Just to get a little sausage. |
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Good Lord!. I havn't got much experience with such vermin so I can't be certain if its true. It is possible enough that I can't dismiss it though.
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An actual SE4 riddle! Betcha won't get this one! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif
What sound does a DUC make? |
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"It makes a sound which is either Comforting or Scary depending on what side of the barrel you are on..." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif |
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It makes the "uranc.wav" sound. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...ies/tongue.gif
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{I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. These snipetts show why the nation is in such trouble!} > I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. > I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click). > A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!" > I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." > An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time." > An Illinois Congresswoman called Last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! > A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. > A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" > I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." > A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever! > A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" > A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere. "The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! "The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said. > Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in |
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A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test.
The optician shows him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z' . "Can you read this?" the optician asks. "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy." |
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I sort of know a polish joke, but fear not its not making fun of polish people. I can't remember the name exactly so I'll try to use the Popes name.
Jane Wojtyla was always having to explain how to spell her Last name. She had come to dread telling people. One day she phoned the Polish embassy to get a travel visa. The dreaded time came to say her name "What name is it for?" "Jane Wojtyla" "How do you spell it?" "w..o...j..." "No, how do you spell Jane?" |
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Fyron came close... the answer I had in mind was... (drumroll)... "QUAC" :p
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Read this: http://www.drunkduck.com/Culture_Shock/
Um, it'll probably be off the first page sometime. |
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I can read it but then English is my language. If English is a second language for you, can you read?
----------------------------------------------------------- I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! |
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True story.
A local Radio show is holding a Tasmanian idle competition to find the laziest person at the rural show. I thought of entering but couldn't be bothered. |
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Online game, takes itself exceptionally un-seriously:
http://www3.kingdomofloathing.com/ |
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I wanted to make a post in here, but thought better of it. Then I had a change of heart, but had nothing to say. So this is the best I could do.
I'm glad I'm a better artist than a forum poster. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif |
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'No thanks, I already have a penguin.' www.coolsig.com
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================================================== ====
LOUISIANA GHOST STORY A stranded man was on the side of the road hoping to catch a ride on a terribly dark night while in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. Time passed slowly as he realized no cars were going to go by. It was raining so hard he could scarcely see his hand in front of his face, when suddenly he saw a car moving slowly; approaching him and appearing so very ghostlike in the rain. The car slowly crept toward him and lurched to a stop. Wanting a ride so very badly, the fellow quickly jumped in the car and closed the door. It was only then that he realized there was no driver behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the stranded man became terrified, too terrified to even think of jumping out and running. In stark terror, he saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, with the brackish waters of the bayou just below and no guardrail to protect him. Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begged God to spare his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou where he would surely drown. Then just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and gently turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the frightened man watched the hand reappear every time the ghost car reached a curve. Finally, scared near to death and with all any man could take, he jumped out of the car and ran the rest of the way to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and with quavering voice, ordered two shots of whiskey and began to relate his story to all about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the bar, Patrons and everybody got goose bumps when they realized that this guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one said to the other, "Look Bordeaux, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain." BOO! THE END |
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You knew it was out there somewhere... Waiting... Lurking... Ready to jump out at you at any second... The End Of The Internet!
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<a href="http://merctea.com/nerdtest.html" target="_blank">42.857142857142854% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?</a>
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This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays . This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off". |
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Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted the Health Canada's
suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your *** kicked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode *** |
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