Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Couldn't resist adding these little gems.

WARNING: You are about to enter into the bad pun zone. Enter at your own risk!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But
when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Evidently this one is pretty popular with the Brits:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry suck up my bum!

Doctor: Oh, that's alright, I've got some cream for that.

Badum bum tcha!

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies,"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says," A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts ........ doesn't it!"

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

I like this one:

Three Irishmen and three Englishmen were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Englishmen each bought tickets and watched as the three Irishmen bought only a single ticket. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket asked an Englishman? Watch and you'll see, answered the Irishmen.

They all boarded the train. The Englishmen took their respective seats but all three Irishmen crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Englishmen saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Englishmen decided to copy the Irishmen (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Irishmen didn't buy a ticket at all. How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one perplexed Englishman. Watch and you'll see, answered one of the Irishmen. When they boarded the train the three Englishmen crammed into a restroom and the three Irishmen crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed. Immediately afterward (before the conductor made his rounds), one of the Irishmen left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the Englishmen were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please..."

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

These are really funny jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

What do you think Fyron? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Fyron?

Fyron?

Where are yooooouuuuuuuuu????? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I've hardly seen him today. Very unusual! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

jimbob http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

it is most likely posted here

but again... a nice joke

A couple of Cali hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

That is a good one

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Poor Couple
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Due to the massive state budget defecit created by our Democrat friend Gray Davis, the California Humor Compliancy Commission no longer receives any funding. We will no longer be able to spend the time and money required to analyze and rate your jokes.

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Some of these jokes are really good! I'll try to remember some of them so I can tell them to my friends! Thanks for posting these. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Yes, some are. Some are terrible. But do to lack of funding, we can no longer help you to see the truth.

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I fail to see why that has to be about californians. People all over the US (and in many countries) are like that these days...

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Aaah, Fyron! I was sure that the '**** List' would have at least made you smile! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif Here's a 1000 Mineral donation so that you can rate it!

Cheers!

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

How about a fyronometer to rate our jokes?

F <==funny http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
y <==yes, somewhat funny, but needs a bit of work. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
r <==run that by me again? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif
o <==only the mentally deficient will see this as being funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif
n <==nope, no way Hose. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Rating Fyrons response for the first three jokes, I get:

n for the lighthouse joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif
n for the pen/pencil joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif
o for the drunk superman joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif

Using the fyronometer scale to rate my own funny bone, it would be:
f for the lighthouse joke
f for the pen/pencil joke
y for the drunk superman joke

What do you guys think?

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Back to the Canadian theme, here's one for the Fyronometer.

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, EU decided to do their own study. After €250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Canadians, dissatisfied with both these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of the quivalent of a crate of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Edit: Twas an old joke, just upgraded a little.

[ January 25, 2003, 12:41: Message edited by: primitive ]

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

tbontob: The Fyronometer deserves a F all by itself http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Going for an O with this one:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?". "No. What did that stupid **** do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little ****er because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ***, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ***, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Primitive http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I am now bit confused about my humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Esthetically, it deserves a "O". http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif It is not a joke for mixed company, although I have met some ladies who have told the most ribald of jokes.

But it hits my funny bone and on my fyronometer deserves an "F"

Others may think not the joke but me personally belongs the in the O Category as being "mentally deficient"! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

tbontob:

Thy certainly knows thyself http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Primitive, your jokes so far have got a F on my scale. Very good ones. I got alot that I can post and will probably do so later. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Ahhh sorry I thought it was make fun of Cal A 4 NA

Sorry.

Fyron you becomeing right wing or something.

Or have you always been right wing... ( Not that there is much of a difference in USA Politics between the big two )...

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

The Republican and Democratic parties are nearly centrist in this day and age, really. There was a time when Republicans were liberals and Democrats where conservatives. Then they switched. Now, they get closer and closer to the middle every year. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I personally don't really fit on the political scale. I have conservative views on some things, liberal views on others.

You guys are insane, making some sort of joke scale out of my name. Sheesh. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[ January 25, 2003, 21:03: Message edited by: Imperator Fyron ]

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Fyron, you should be thanking us. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I mean, just wait till this hits the comedy circuits. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

You'll be famous! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Stand up comedians will be using the fyronometer as the standard by which they can judge the quality of their jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Audiences will now have a standard as to whether they should applaud or throw vegetables at the comedian. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

You'll be famous for being the progenitor of the fyronometer! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And just think, if you would have picked "Byron" or "Myron" none of this would have happened. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Because by picking "Fyron", you are ultimately responsible for what happened! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

(tbontob is LOLROF as he realizes he is avoiding responsibility for his own actions.)

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Yes, being "nutso" can be so much fun! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Why do some people insist on always posting multiple times in a row? It is quite easy to put it all in one post...

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Trying to respond to two different people with two different topics in one post can be confusing to the readers. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Also, it is just easier to respond to the posting of each person! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Some people call me lazy! Yep, that I am! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And maybe....

No, I shouldn't say it.

But...

No, don't.

Yes, but I...

tbontob, don't!!!

And maybe it is just "bait" to catch Fyron. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Grooooaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn. You had to say it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

It is not at all confusing to anyone I have ever talked with.

Open a second window to copy the quoted stuff from into your post.

A new quote implies a new topic of conversation (or a variation on the current topic).

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Like: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

1) open a "Post A Reply Window" with the quote.
2) copy it (control-C)
3) Open a second "Post a Reply Window" with another quote.
4) Paste the copy of the first window into the second with control-V

EDIT: But both responses do add something so that can be a variation of the topic. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Anyways, I have done my good deed for the day. Edited a post instead of posting a new one. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

RE-EDIT: Like if I hadn't used the "edit button", I would have posted 2 in a row! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

RE-RE-EDIT If the two quotes, were put in the same posting you may mistakenly assume they deal with the same topic. But they do not!

So, doing a separate posting, puts the reader "on notice" that different sub-topics within the main topic of the thread are being referred to.

RE-RE-RE-EDIT of the forgoing paragraph.

[ January 25, 2003, 23:12: Message edited by: tbontob ]

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

The sky was dark, the moon was high
All alone, Just her and I
Her hair so soft, her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do
Her skin so soft, her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine
I didn't know how, but I tried my best
To place my hand upon her breasts
I remember my fear, my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when she did it, I felt no shame
All at once, the white stuff came
At Last it's finished, it's all over now
My first time ever, milking a cow!

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Seen recently on a Donato's Pizza billboard:

"The 100 pepperoni pizza...Why, that's like 150 in Canada."

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">That's an "f" on my fyronometer! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh I wish, I wish. With the exchange rate, it is more likely to be 60. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

But I see your point, when you are used to 60, a 100 will seem like 150. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Brought to you by the same crowd that once accused you of being an extraterrestrial

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

..it depends on what side of the fence you're on,.. 100cdn = about 60US, but 100US is about 150cdn!

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No, it does not. Everyone I have ever talked to about stuff like this is quite capable of distinguishing when new topics begin. All you are doing with the multiple Posts is padding your post count, and making it more annoying to read.

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to some of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.
As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one. "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No, it does not. Everyone I have ever talked to about stuff like this is quite capable of distinguishing when new topics begin. All you are doing with the multiple Posts is padding your post count, and making it more annoying to read.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Really?

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No, it does not. Everyone I have ever talked to about stuff like this is quite capable of distinguishing when new topics begin. All you are doing with the multiple Posts is padding your post count, and making it more annoying to read.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Was I doing that?

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No, it does not. Everyone I have ever talked to about stuff like this is quite capable of distinguishing when new topics begin. All you are doing with the multiple Posts is padding your post count, and making it more annoying to read.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I didn't know I was doing that! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Primitive, that was a good one! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves......she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts!

She says,...............................
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

tbontob, please stop making this thread harder to read with so many Posts in a row (esp. ones that don't have anything of substance in them).

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Fyron, lighten up! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

We can't be serious every moment of the day.

It lightens the heart to have fun. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Besides, you don't "have" to read this thread if you do not want to. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

But, I will try.

But my natural playfulness, may result in a slip or two...
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

i do it as well... So I am guilty...

Double and triple Posts...

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

Shame on the both of you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hate to say this Fyron, but I know you are guilty of the occasional double post! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

And maybe even the triple post? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Maybe the "shame" pointing finger is pointing in the wrong direction. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif