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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Subject: Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$300!" she cried. "$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the billwould have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up." |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
/me beats Wardog about the head and shoulders with a rubber duck.
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Stuff you learn from your mother:
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me MORE LOGIC If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me." My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all those sprouts have gone." My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My mother taught me ESP. "Put your jumper on; do you think I don't know when you are cold?" My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" |
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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?" |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
Hehe...
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Don't know if this one has been posted... Nodwick comic updated weekly
http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/no...ewnodwick.html |
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Warning: The following humor may not be suitable for those with weak stomachs.
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
LOL Douglas and Narf, that really rocks.
Thinnest Books in the World: A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking A Guide To Australian Etiquette A Millenium Of German Humor Anagrams Of The Word "A" Bedouin Olympic Swimmers 'Behave Yourself' by David Letterman Blacks I Met While Rowing Blind Dates That Worked Out Burger King Items That Start With "Mc" Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu Countries Where Socialism Is Successful Detroit - A Travel Guide Different Ways To Spell "Bob" Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance Everything Men Know About Women Favorite Foreign Emigration Destinations Of The French Feminists Worth Marrying French Hospitality French, 16 Year Old, Non-Smoking Virgins Fun With Unix George Bush: 'The Wild Years' Good English Cooking Good Norwegian Jokes Household Uses For Plutonium 'How To Be A Successful Politician' by Jesse Jackson Italian War Heroes Jewish Sports Legends 'Life As An Air Traffic Controller' by Ray Charles Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches Mike Tyson On Dating Etiquette Mother Teresa's Guide To Erotic Pottery 'My Favorite Barbers' by Yassir Arafat 'My Life As A Woman' by Martina Navratilova 'My Life Without Michael' by LaToya Jackson 'My Thoughts' by Ronald Reagan National Directory Of Irish AA Members Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid One-Legged Folk Dances 'On Human Rights' by Fidel Castro Party Tricks With Boiling Lead Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians Public Political Activities During Franco's Government In Spain Romantic Words Beginning With "X" Satan's Love Letters Scottish World Cup Successes Sign Language For The Blind Successful Applications Of Artificial Intelligence Sylverster Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips The Genius Of Barry Manilow 'The Road To Lasting Economic Succes' by Boris Yeltsin The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzenegger Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple Things That Taste Better With Arsenic Things You Could Buy At The World Artichoke Festival Venezuelans Who Know Spelling Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas 'Why People Are More Important Than Animals' by Greenpeace Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Hey I didn't make the list! I LIKE Australia!
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
the title pertaining to Arnold Shwarzenegger should be deemed eroneous as he surely has a perfect vocabulary in German. It would only be his expertise in english that could be put in dispute.
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
AGAIN I did NOT create this list..... Geez man! It's just a joke!
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Fair enough. We Australians may have no manners but we can get a joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif
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Oi, I dinn' say Awstrayleeins dinn' have manners..... I LOYKE Awstraylia, mate!
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Two guys met in heaven
- I froze to death. How did you die? - From relief - How could you die from relief? - Well, I had a suspicion that my wife where seeing someone else so one day I went home early from work to find out. I looked in the closets, the kitchen, the bedroom, under the bed but there were nobody. I was so relieved that I died from a heartattack. - Jerk... Had you just looked in the freezer we would both have been alive today http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif |
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How do you know if you are really fat?
- You are at the beach and can hear the whales singing "We are family" |
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Q: Why didn't the cat eat the chicken?
A: Because it tasted fowl! Q: Why did the duck cross the road? A: Because it wasn't chicken! Brought to you by a bored Narf. |
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Another way to know you're really, really fat.....
You're sunbathing at the beach and a Greenpeace team is trying to push you back into the water. |
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Erm yes..... that's the point of the joke. They push you into the sea because you look like a stranded whale.
How do you know you're EVEN fatter? If the US launches airstrikes against you to prevent you from standing up, falling over and causing the entire Atlantic to gush over the US and into the Pacific. (if you're in Europe) |
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Why has this thread devolved to fat jokes? What's next, yo' momma jokes? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif Wardad, save us all!
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
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Archduke Ferdinand was truely a great diplomat. I have not been reading this thread, so this one may have been spent already: A captain walks into a bar, with a ships wheel hanging from his belt. Barkeep says, "Hey man, did you know you have a ship's wheel about your waist?!" The captain answers: "Aye, and its driving me nuts!" |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
They were speaking of Australia however, and not Austria. It is so confusing to have so similar countries; truly, Australians could have chosen a better name when they built their island in the Pacific. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif
Alneyan, French *and* non-smoking *and* virgin. Honest! |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Just got this one in an email from a friend, thought it woulld be worth a post.
Wrong Email It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. PS. Sure is hot down here |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
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*ahem* A man walks into the doctors office, proclaiming "doctor! doctor! you must help me! i have five penises!" The doctor looks astonished and asks, "my god, man! how do your pants fit?" Man answers: "Like a glove!" |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started to become a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Tide With Bleach Alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday and told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. It was quite a relief! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people too! Signed, A Relieved Menopausal Wife |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
A young monk goes to his zen master and asks:
"Teacher, what is your favorite kind of ice cream?" the master answers: "Koan." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Well a quick Google tells me a Koan is the type of story that that is ie. puzzling. It is a joke that Zen stories make no sense (unless I guess you are enlightened http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif)
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
and it rhymes with "cone" which is the hollow conical cookie thing that you put scoops of ice cream on.
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Speaks for itself, I think: http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/do...mic&id=996
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
The players mentioned in that cartoon sure are silly. If you have the muscle and the wits to pull that sort of scheme off, it would be so much better to enslave the whole world rather than destroy it. I mean, why destroy your future playthings?
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Um...I don't think they have wits or muscle...Just the brute, destructive force of stupidity...
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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
You cannot take over the world in Call of Cthulhu. Even when you win, you don't win, you only delay the inevitable. There are only two possible ways your character will end up: (1) dead, or (2) permanently and completely insane. With a lot of work and some luck you can gain all sorts of powerful magic and mystical knowledge, but you go insane in the process. Once you lose too much SAN, your character is lost.
Call of Cthulhu is an unusual game in that it really doesn't pay to make a strong fighter-type character. You can be the toughest guy in the world and have tons of heavy weapons, and it's completely useless. The monsters and aliens are about a billion times more powerful and more intelligent than humans, and many of them cannot be hurt by physical means. Humans are only sane because they don't know the truth. It'a a rather hopeless situation you are in in that game. |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Yes. That's not the funny part. The funny part is that they blew up the world in a game called 'bunnies and burrows'.
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.....and who is this "Cthulhu" persona anyway?
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I'm going to assume you're being serious. Excuse me that my Elder knowledge isn't complete. Cthulhu (pronounced shoo-thool-hu by the way) is one of the Elder Gods along with The Goat of a thousand young and that which man was not meant to know. basically something like 5 Billion years ago a race of ancient aliens colonised the Earth. When I say aliens I don't mean greys or anthromorphic creatures. Think something like 100 tentacles and even more eyes. I'm not sure, but Cthulhu is about 1 kilometer high (then again I might be wrong) and I once read of a game session where someone tried to attack it the reponse being "What, are you kidding. It's Cthulhu. He doesn't even have a hit point score", as it would be impossible to harm him. The writer (whose name I cannot at this time recall) must have been insane and continually on mind altering drugs, or at least thats what it appears like.
Edit: doh!. Why the heck am I showing my lack of knowledge by trying unsuccesfully to explain when I can link to info http://www.cthulhu.org/cthulhu/ |
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Thank you Randallw. I had heard of Cthulhu before, but I didn't know what exactly it/he was. Thank you for enlightening me.
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The writer would be H.P. Lovecraft, in the early 20th century (between 1920 and 1930 for the Mythos of Cthulhu). Other than that, he just had quite an imagination... or was just very well informed.
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Or perhaps Lovevraft was the person that invented psychotropic hallucination drugs.....
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actually, in the original story, someone escaped cthulhu by ramming him with a ship and 'popping' him.
naturally, he reformed and returned to Ry'leth. but the captain of the boat got away... only to be killed later by a falling stack of papers. |
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That sucks. That REALLY sucks.
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http://www.geocities.com/SiliconVall...4173/neko.html
Kitty for your desktop, to chase your mouse around, run around, run from your mouse...fun stuff! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif |
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Awww that's just too cute.....
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/eek.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/eek.gif |
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE
Scary why? It's a little cat thing that runs around your desktop, what is there to be afraid about?
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