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Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

OK its written as "my own game" but I think it could be re-written as "my own module" and TOTALLY fit here.

http://www.gamespy.com/articles/606/606686p1.html

Gandalf Parker

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start?!"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

http://www.eykir.com/index.htm

http://www.collegehumor.com/?movie_id=138298 < Those guys (And gals) have earned their 'Ultimate Geek For Life' badges, I think. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

A chicken crossed the road.

It's not going to take that lying down.

---

Two ghosts walked into a bar.

Dead silence.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

More quoting!

Quote:

Subject: Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 May 2005 06:13 AM
Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains upon those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can opn up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus cautious doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

~Shakespaw (from Stan Kegal)

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

A true story:

I was working at Wendys for 4 months before I quit because the whole situation sucked, however there is one moment I remember very fondly (actually a few but I can't mention the others lol):

It was a monday afternoon and I had just finished with the lunch rush and had a pounding headache from dealing with an irate family that always came in and always had something to complain about, well a woman and a man walked in with a dog that was wearing a "service dog" vest and since it was blue I knew it was a dog in training.
Well anyway I take their order and make a little small talk about the dog (a yellow lab puppy about a year old) and this man walks in and sees the man with the dog and says rather rudely
"Hey Man you ain't s'posed to have dogs in here can't you read the signs."
The man ignores him and walks to the bathroom with the dog, well I am still talking a little bit to the woman as we wait for her food to get done and this man walks up to me and goes.
"Hey I thought you people didn't allow pets in here what's the deal?"

I looked at him-a little baffled because I thought everyone knew that the vests of different colors meant different types of service dogs- well I lean over to the woman and say in a tone loud enough for him to hear "Ma'am she is a working dog right?" the woman nods and goes says yes very politely.
I looked at the gentlement and said
"Sir she's a working dog they're allowed in restaraunts and stores"
The man streightens his back and looks down at me with a cocky grin (did I mention he was really freakin tall?) and says in one of those "I'm smarter then you" tones
"Man that's bullsh%t that dog don't work here."

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Funny, in a sad, sad, way.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

2 brothers from an un-determined country arrive at Immigration. The official tells them that they have to answer a few questions one of which is what line of work they are in.
"Pilot" says Brother number 1.
"Peat cutter" says brother number 2.
"congratulations" the official says to brother number 1 "We are glad to accept you into our country. Then the official turns to brother number 2 "I'm sorry but we can't accept you.
"Why not?" asks brother number 2 "You took my brother"
"Yes" explains the official "but you see we desperately need new pilots, whereas there is no demand for peat cutters"
"But if I don't cut it he can't pilot" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

What do they have against Peat Cutters? He's a nice guy.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Ok, so I know what peat is but why does the other guy need peat to pilot something?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

"pilot" -> "pile it"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

damn, sorry. Should have corrected the spelling at the end. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre HEHEHE

Man runs into doctor's office: Doctor, doctor, please help me! My wife thinks she's a car!
Doctor: OK, give me a few minutes, and I'll see what I can do for her.
At that, the man starts running for the door, and the doctor says: Hey, where are you going?
Man: Oh, I can't just leave her out there. She's double-parked.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Could have been worse it could have been the one about the what you call two Phillipino pilots (A Pair of plyers)

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

If you wanted to know how Greeting cards are made (or even if you couldn't care less http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif)

http://www.chrisharding.net/animatio...playmovie.html

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

I like that one Randall. Funny stuff.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Ok it's not a joke and it's not a riddle but it is a puzzle (kinda). I will admit it's the opposite of funny.

http://artscool.cfa.cmu.edu/~lee/deanimator.html

2 tips.
1. It only takes 1 bullet if the Zombie is still emerging.
2. I managed to get 130 by resorting to rapid fire when they are bunched up.

Edit: just discovered you can change to a shotgun by pressing shift. Warning though, they get halfway across in the time it takes to reload the shotgun.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

I got 233.

The trick to the shotgun is to use it for emergencies, and then just before the round ends, blast it all away and start the reload.
The pistol auto-reloads for the next round, but the shotgun has to be emptied first.

Emptying the pistol into the air so you can reload is also useful when there are no zombies on the screen yet.

Also, if you just shoot in their general direction, you'll only hit sometimes.
If you click right on them, you'll hit for sure.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

I'm qouting.

Quote:

Subject: FINAL EXAM HYMN
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 06:47 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 06:46 PM
*FINAL EXAM HYMN*
(sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term.
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm.
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold.
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told.
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few,
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two.
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me.
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea.
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class.
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas!
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass;
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known!

Quote:

Subject: Ain't it the truth.....
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 06:21 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 06:20 PM
Ain't it the truth.....

If you consider that there have been an average
of 160,000 troops in the Iraqi theater during the
last 22 months, that gives a firearm death ratio
of 60 per 100,000.

The firearm death ratio in DC is 80.6 per 100,000.
That means that you are more likely to be shot
and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has
some of the strictest gun control laws in the
nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion:
We should immediately pull out of ...
WASHINGTON, DC!

For cat people.

Quote:

Subject: PC: Personal Cat Specifications
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 05:35 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 05:34 PM
PC: Personal Cat Specifications

Standard input:
1. Bilateral frontal whisker array
2. Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range 20-20,000Hz)
3. Stereoscopic scanning device, with night vision
4. Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector
5. Twin front-mounted odor sampling devices

Standard output:
1. Internally mounted purrbox
2. Single speaker with separate growl mode
3. Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device

Processor:
1. Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
2. Autonomic control of system software

Included Hardware:
1. Calcium-based skeletal structure
2. Byte-to-bit conversion array
3. Retractable document shredder/hole punch
4. Pawpad printer
5. Mouse (standard catnip)
Also included: natural fiber protective covering in various colors

System Software:
Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:
* DOS (domestic shorthair)
* OS (other shorthair)
* MS (megasoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
- Conversion to EUNUCHS can be done by a simple operation. This is
recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.
- Bundled software may include the following: Mortal Kombat, Acrobat,
Explorer, and Stuffit Expander.
- Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.
- There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

Operating Your PC
- To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).
- Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will -
Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may
invoke the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area.
- To wake your PC From Sleep, press the power button as in Start,
shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a Warm Boot:
Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a Cold Boot:
Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your shoe on.

To Reboot:
Repeat the Warm Boot.

Cleaning your PC:
Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only.
Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is
necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC
is fully dry when finished.

Compatibility and Networking:
Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other
PCs. Running EUNUCHS will generally give your PC greater
compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a
firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the
other's security systems. Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and
cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes. Please note that
your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH, unless
appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed.
Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a
subordinate position within the hierarchical structure.

Power Requirements:
- Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food.
- Direct supply of water.
- Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

Troubleshooting:
-PC has difficulty exiting: Perform a Warm Boot.
- PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot
your PC prior to running food-related software.
- PC hangs up phone during connection to ISP: Try invoking sleep mode
Prior to connecting to ISP; otherwise, perform a Warm Boot.
- PC is frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms; reboot
until it responds.
- Deleted material not going to trash or recycling bin: reprogram
preferences in PC sys/litter_box/deposit/target.aim

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

You and that guy I keep qouting should have a chat sometime.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Quote:

Subject: *A CRAZY LANGUAGE*
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 May 2005 07:47 AM
Originally Posted: 18 May 2005 07:46 AM
*A CRAZY LANGUAGE*
(Stan Kegal)

For those who Reed and Right..

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and showed you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beech?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say other, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it! - English is a crazy language!

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

What the Kamikaze instructor told his students:

"Watch carefully. I'm only going to do this once."

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

And here's the guy who needs no introduction (Because I've qouted him (Qouting websites) about a billion times).

Quote:

Subject: Hurricane Season
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Jun 2005 02:42 AM
Originally Posted: 16 Jun 2005 02:41 AM
Hurricane Season

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you
need a refresher course:

We have entered hurricane season. Right now, you can to turn on the
TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the
Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.. If
you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2:

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3:

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge
you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so.
He lives in Nebraska . . .

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead,
you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your
home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In
addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights - At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Subject: No Child Left Behind...update

"In response to President Bush's Federal "No Child Left Behind Act"(NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. The new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test (FART).

All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3, 4 and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART with a score of 80%.
If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language (SMELL).

If, with this increased SMELL program, the students cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation (CRAP).

If, by the age of fourteen, the student cannot FART, SMELL or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students (PRUNES).
It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL or CRAP. This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill101 should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing Act."

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Quote:

Just want to make sure I have this clear guys. I'm ok on everything up to the Wormhole, but let me make sure I understand whats happened after: I'm an Akashic Mage, who firmly believes himself to be a Jedi. I'm in a tie fighter, chasing Tremere whos in an X-Wing. We're about 500 yards above Ansalon, being chased by a magicaly enhanced red dragon, with a highly pissed off Raistlin on her back. His pissed because his tower just caught a stray proton torpedo. Oh, and most of Palanthas is a flaming ruin. And none of you see ANYTHING wrong with this?

Man, that game must have been either a hoot or a train wreck.

http://www.rpgsurvey.com/cgi-bin/sur...p;surveyid=601

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Quote:

Subject: Garden Grass Snakes - DANGEROUS!
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 22 Aug 2005 11:48 PM
Originally Posted: 23 Aug 2005 12:50 AM

Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes.. Thamnophis
sirtalis) can be dangerous .... yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The
husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the butt.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on
the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him
up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded
him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time
the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical
Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He
armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down
on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between
the cushions, where she! felt the snake wriggling around. She
screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the
neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, he tried to use CPR
to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from
shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where
it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he
had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now
the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey, and assumed &! gt;that a drunken fight had occurred. They
were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it
all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and
hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The
table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it
started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through
the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved
to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, the
burning drapes were see! n by the neighbors and they called the fire
department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its
ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore
out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block area but they did get the
house fire out.

Time passed.

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired,
the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right
with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked
his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the
night.

That's when she shot him.

Quote:

Subject: Christian Humor
Author: Deann Allen
Date: 22 Aug 2005 04:58 PM
Got this from my brother. Enjoy. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

D.
--
http://savageheart.blogspot.com/
---------------------------------------

Christian Humor

1. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

2. "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========

3. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

4. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========

5. While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

6. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

7. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

" The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========

8. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========

9. A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========

10. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

11. The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________

Give me a sense of humor,
Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

* * * * * * * * *
Excellent Lesson

One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was teaching evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes

TEACHER: Go outside and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see GOD?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: TOMMY, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No.

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one..........

II CORINTHIANS 5:7 "FOR WE WALK BY FAITH , NOT BY SIGHT"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Quote:

Subject: Mary Poppins
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 10 Sep 2005 07:07 AM
Originally Posted: 10 Sep 2005 08:11 AM
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather,
she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached
the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs,
please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up
to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came
down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional,
I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though
....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts
to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to
improve our service and would value your opinion,"
said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then
scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to
continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the
comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocio us!"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

I don't care who you are, this is funny!

"Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

"A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans."

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

I got this off a link off the Baen website. Not sure where it started. I've edited it here and there; if you don't like that I'm sure you can find an unedited copy.

This had me laughing the whole way through the first and second times I read it. Obviously inspired by 'The # things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the US army'

Quote:

300 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
28. - Edited
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepid mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. - Edited
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. - Edited
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. - Edited
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. - Edited
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. - Edited
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. - Edited
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. - Edited
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. - Edited
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. - Edited
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. - Edied. Didn't know what it meant, but pretty sure it was bad.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. - Edited.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. - Edied
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. - Edied
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. - Edied
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enambled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. - Edied
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. - Edited
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. - Edied
229. Not allowed to spontaniously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two more than none.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. - Edited
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. - Edited
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. - Edited
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. - Edited
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" everytime the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration. (Note by Narf: Not dirty: http://education.yahoo.com/reference...efenestration)
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontanious games of dodgeball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Warning: This could make the 'Worst jokes ever' book.

Quote:

Subject: Spew alert.
Author: Leonard Hollar
Date: 23 Sep 2005 06:56 PM
Originally Posted: 23 Sep 2005 08:00 PM
Two Norwegians walk into a pet shop in Duluth. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks
if
he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's
pick-up and drive to the top of the Skyline Hwy Park. At the park, they
climb the Engor Tower. Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says:
"Dis
looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the top of the Tower. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and
says:
"Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!

PART TWO:

Moments later Ole arrives up at Engor Tower. He's been to the pet shop too
and climbs up to the stairs to the top of the Tower, carrying another
paper
bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole
says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
Tower. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.

Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."

BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!

PART THREE:

Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars
appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he
pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over
his
head and hurls himself off the top of the tower and disappears down and
down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der vas Sven with his budgie
jumping, den Ole parrotshooting . . . . . and now Lars tries hengliding.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

*wipes tears* Okay, I am a hopeless geek. The " 300 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG" made me laugh to tears. Many times.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Found in someone's sig:

Quote:

Subject: Re: Happy Birthday Honor
Author: Joe Buckley
Date: 01 Oct 2005 06:48 PM
"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers
on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher
Robin, you have the bridge."

Pooh = Picard, Eeyore would probably be Worf, Piglet could be Riker and I'm not sure who Robin is supposed to be.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Since he is transferring command I'd say Robin was Riker. Piglet is most likely La Forge.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Nah, I think Piglet would be Data.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

> Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
>
>
> This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold
water
> to clean.
>
> John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
> area of Georgia.
>
> After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather
> prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film
> like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are
> these plates clean?"
>
>
> His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
> Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
>
>
>
> For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about
> the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked
> like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
>
>
>
>
> Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
> dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't
> want to hear another word about it!"
>
>
>
> Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
> leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him
pass.
> John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
>
>
>
> Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on
> TV, the old man shouted ..
>
>
>
>
> "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
>
> Meet Coldwater.....................

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

A double feature for you:

Quote:

BAD DAY ON THE FREEWAY

A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he'd been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said the woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice said in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

PLANET PROCTOR
(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Published 12/11/99

Quote:

Subject: Just Asking
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 23 Oct 2005 09:47 AM
Originally Posted: 23 Oct 2005 10:54 AM
JUST ASKING

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Published 6/6/99

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

More funnies. A whole lot of funnies:

Quote:

Subject: the bronze rat
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 29 Oct 2005 04:08 PM
Originally Posted: 29 Oct 2005 05:15 PM
RAT ON!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Sorting through the objects on display, he discovers a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. He picks it up and asks the shop owner the cost. "Twelve dollars," says the owner, "and a thousand dollars for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he walks faster, but every time he passes another drain, more rats come out and join the parade.

Soon, at least a hundred rats are following him, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, breaking into a trot as the rats swarm from the sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of a hill, he panics and starts to run.

But the rats keep up, squealing hideously, and by the time he reaches the water's edge, he's leading a trail of rats 12 city blocks long. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post and hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay, as far as he can heave it. Clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the shop owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.

Quote:

Subject: letter of recommendation
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 29 Oct 2005 03:50 AM
Originally Posted: 29 Oct 2005 04:57 AM
Here's a letter of recommendation

"During John's time with us , I have always found him

working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or

gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

finishes the given assignment in time. He is always

deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

dispensed with. I strongly feel that he should be

pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be

sent away as soon as possible."

(A second note from the Branch manager followed:)

"John was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternative lines 1,3,5... for true recommendation

Quote:

Subject: Real life resumes
Author: ginnilee berger
Date: 28 Oct 2005 09:17 PM
Originally Posted: 28 Oct 2005 10:25 PM
For those of us who have gone through the job-mill recently, it strikes close to home.

Ginnilee
Lady Lavender of Teal

I'm Dear, Sweet & Innocent- just ask my cats!

Actual Lines from Resumes
Job hunting can provide us with some interesting challenges. It can also provide us with some entertainment. The following are excerpts from real resumes and cover letters. Let the ridicule and/or pity begin.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume�it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed�a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.
Special skills: Thyping.
My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
I can play well with others.
Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.
Experience: Provided correct answers to customers' questions.
I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost.
Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.
Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.
Special skills: Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping.
Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
Work best with kids five and under.
Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.
I have happily been a "kept man" for the past 10 years.
Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.
I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.
Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.
I'm inquiring as to weather or not you have any jobs open.
Experience: Completed semester project with a classmate of mind.
While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.
Hire me and you won't regret it�I am funny, cute, smart and creative... really.
Referees available upon request.
Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills.

Previous rank: Senior instigator.
Work history: Bakery�proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards.
Previous experience: Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy.
Previous rank: Senior instigator.
Looking for an employer that believes in prompting from within.
I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.
Interests: Music, dancing computers.
Personal achievements: Successfully played "Chop Sticks" on a toy piano with my big toes.
Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.
Strengths: Impersonal skills.
Experience: Cocktail sever.
Honors: Have been named most reliable, most popular and best actor in school.
Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.
Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
Duties: Constant oversight of kennel operations.
Other: Joined the Air Force in 1776.
Vocational plans: Sea World.function sendform(){document.form0.ref.value=document.locat ion;return true;}

Quote:

Subject: Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 28 Oct 2005 06:13 PM
Originally Posted: 28 Oct 2005 07:20 PM
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Quote:

Subject: New income tax form
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 27 Oct 2005 01:09 AM
Originally Posted: 27 Oct 2005 02:16 AM
A TAXING TIME FOR ALL

If you haven't filed yet, just use this new short form W-2-CFSAP:

1. Name: _____________________________________

2. Social Security Number: _______________________

3. How Much Did You Make In 2005: ______________

SEND IT IN!

Signature_____________________________________

Date_________________________________________

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

What your computer does at night... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif [img]/threads/images/Graemlins/WinLogo.gif[/img]

http://www.justracin.net/is.swf

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

ROFLMAO ------------- FANTASTIC

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Read this on another forum: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Quote:

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fianc�e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSe xPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

One for the ladies:

Quote:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate
---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash
Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Heard those before, They still make me laugh though http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

"Mary?" said Fred.

Something in his voice catching her ear, Mary crossed over to the table. "What is it, Fred?"

"Well," he said, his voice seemingly worried, "It's just something I've been thinking about. About me. And maybe you."

"What?" She asked again. It sounded like a proposition, but at the same time, the voice wasn't right.

"It's just...I think this might be you, too." He said, leaning his arms on the table.

"Yes?" Mary asked, leaning forward instinctively, arms on the table, wishing he would get to the point.

Fred leaned forward even further, brow creased with concered, looked both ways furtively, leaned even closer and whispered "It's just, Mary" he paused "I see dead people."

"Fred" said Mary "you're a mortician. And so am I."

* Runs away Really, Really Fast.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

*hurls something in Narf's direction as he flees the scene

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre

Hurls?!? No, that one requires the plasma missiles. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif