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-   -   Jokes and Riddles Centre (http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/showthread.php?t=9958)

AdmiralMartin November 10th, 2005 03:55 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif

Quote:
Basic Rules for Pilots

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

narf poit chez BOOM November 16th, 2005 03:10 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
This is either the 13th post or the 11th post. Hmm...(Bad math joke)

This one's from my sister:
Quote:
>>
> Subject: Should You Be Institutionalised?
>
> >>> Should You Be Institutionalised?
> >>> It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
> >>> this should help get you started.
> >>> During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
> >>> the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
> >>> institutionalised.
> >>> "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
> >>> teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
> >>> empty the bathtub."
> >>>Now pause and think about what you would do?















"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the

> >>> bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
> >>> "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
> >>> want a room with or without a view?"

AdmiralMartin November 16th, 2005 06:02 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Quote:
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Paladin_SE5 November 17th, 2005 10:49 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
I thought you might like these (absolutely true) scientific prizes:
http://www.improb.com/ig/ig-pastwinners.html
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif


Some 2005 Ignobel Winners:

PHYSICS: John Mainstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland, Australia, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1927 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.
REFERENCE: "The Pitch Drop Experiment,"

MEDICINE: Gregg A. Miller of Oak Grove, Missouri, for inventing Neuticles -- artificial replacement testicles for dogs, which are available in three sizes, and three degrees of firmness.
REFERENCES: US Patent #5868140, and the book Going Going NUTS!,

LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of short stories, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Mariam Sanni Abacha, Barrister Jon A Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with the kind person who assists them.

PEACE: Claire Rind and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of a brain cell in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights from the movie " Star Wars."
REFERENCE: "Orthopteran DCMD Neuron: A Reevaluation of Responses to Moving Objects (Locust = Criquet)

ECONOMICS: Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, repeatedly , thus ensuring that people DO get out of bed, and thus theoretically adding many productive hours to the workday

CHEMISTRY: Edward Cussler of the University of Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University of Wisconsin, for conducting a careful experiment to settle the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?
REFERENCE: "Will Humans Swim Faster or Slower in Syrup?"

BIOLOGY: Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide, Australia and the University of Toronto, Canada and the Firmenich perfume company, Geneva, Switzerland, and ChemComm Enterprises, Archamps, France; Craig Williams of James Cook University and the University of South Australia; Michael Tyler of the University of Adelaide; Brian Williams of the University of Adelaide; and Yoji Hayasaka of the Australian Wine Research Institute; for painstakingly smelling and cataloging the peculiar odors produced by 131 different species of frogs when the frogs were feeling stressed.
REFERENCE: "A Survey of Frog Odorous Secretions, Their Possible Functions and Phylogenetic Significance,"

NUTRITION: Dr. Yoshiro Nakamats of Tokyo, Japan, for photographing and retrospectively analyzing every meal he has consumed during a period of 34 years (and counting). Japanese picture-taking at it's finest...

FLUID DYNAMICS: Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow of International University Bremen, Germany and the University of Oulu, Finland; and Jozsef Gal of Loránd Eötvös University, Hungary, for using basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin, as detailed in their report "Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh -- Calculations on Avian Defaecation."
PUBLISHED IN: Polar Biology, vol. 27, 2003, pp. 56-8




Some of the 2004 winners:
PHYSICS
Ramesh Balasubramaniam of the University of Ottawa, and Michael Turvey of the University of Connecticut and Haskins Laboratory, for exploring and explaining the dynamics of hula-hooping.
REFERENCE: "Coordination Modes in the Multisegmental Dynamics of Hula Hooping,"

CHEMISTRY
The Coca-Cola Company of Great Britain, for using advanced technology to convert ordinary tap water into Dasani, a transparent form of water, which for precautionary reasons has been made unavailable to consumers.

PSYCHOLOGY
Daniel Simons of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Christopher Chabris of Harvard University, for demonstrating that when people pay close attention to something, it's all too easy to overlook anything else -- even a woman in a gorilla suit.

ECONOMICS
The Vatican, for outsourcing prayers to India.

geoschmo November 29th, 2005 09:58 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
This isn't really a joke or riddle, but I think it's hilarious.

A little creative editing can turn any movie into "The feel good hit of the year."

El_Phil November 29th, 2005 11:09 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
1 Attachment(s)
I laughed! I cried! I was spiritually uplifited to the depths of my soul!

I also remember something which I now attach.

TurinTurambar November 30th, 2005 01:54 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Does that mean that the depths of your soul were uplifted, or did you just totally boff that phrase?
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

El_Phil November 30th, 2005 09:02 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
I was spiritually uplifited to the depths of my soul. I never mention where I started from spiritually....

narf poit chez BOOM December 6th, 2005 05:43 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Some things from the Baen forums:
Quote:
WHAT IS REALITY

Well, according to TV and the movies...

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. If being chased, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade (at any time of the year), and if you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. The Chief of Police is always black and will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. (A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite; and during all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe, and most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology but a single match will still be sufficient to light up a room the size of a stadium.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock, and cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage and a man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside; but an electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one and most dogs are immortal.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language as a simple German accent will do. Indeed, when they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Quote:
YOU THINK YOU SO SMART... here's "The World's Easiest Quiz"

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes panama hats?
3. Where do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is the purple finch?
9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?



GIVE UP?
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November, since the Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria -- Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. He respected Queen Victoria's wish that no future King should be called Albert.
8. Distinctly crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty Years, of course -- from 1618 to 1648.
Quote:
Subject: Groaner
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 05 Dec 2005 01:54 AM
Originally Posted: 05 Dec 2005 03:04 AM
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they
have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a
pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best!

For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous
home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread.
Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

Randallw December 6th, 2005 07:03 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
I feel I must point out that in Australia we call chinese goosebeeries Kiwi Fruit. Then again we call New Zealanders Kiwis.

AdmiralMartin December 6th, 2005 01:57 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Quote:
Watch Your Mouth

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


narf poit chez BOOM December 20th, 2005 04:12 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Some more from the baen forum:
Quote:
Subject: The Twelve Bugs of Christmas - Unix
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 Dec 2005 08:35 PM
Originally Posted: 18 Dec 2005 09:47 PM
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Quote:
Subject: How To Wrap A Cat . . .
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 Dec 2005 03:45 PM
Originally Posted: 18 Dec 2005 04:57 PM
How To Wrap A Cat . . .


1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut
door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc. . .

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the
paper.

16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the
present came in.

17. Place present on paper.

18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't
reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent
sticky tape.

20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.

21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve
ribbon.

23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's
enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right
size for sheet of paper.

27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked
room.

30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper
and materials.

31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and
relock.

32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear
cat from outside door)

33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small
area of the toilet, but do your best)

34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt
through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last
year as well.

35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to
make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst
areas.

37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on
completing a difficult job.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
Quote:
Subject: The life raft
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Dec 2005 10:00 PM
Originally Posted: 16 Dec 2005 11:11 PM
I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of
buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform.

My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked.
(Don't ask, I never did).
What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that
they issue to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I couldn't wait to test
it, so I called Jason, and told him to come on over.

I took the back seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down.
This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without the hatch.
Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed up. They
had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the
raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and
Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off.

I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of the area lakes.
The windows were down and the hot August wind was roaring through the
car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend started complaining about
the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled in her hair.
I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and gave it a
good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window.

Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yepp, that darned
raft started to inflate right there in the VW! It takes about 15
seconds for one of those things to inflate, and for the first 5
seconds or so I was frozen with something of a mixture fear,
amazement, and a sense of "this really can't be happening!'' In the
6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering
wheel hard enough that I couldn't really see where I was going, and
started pushing the windows that weren't down out of their frames,
and onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the raft was fully
inflated. I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was
going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on the road.

By this time the real chaos had started. The girls were screaming
their fool heads off, Jason was laughing like an idiot, and the
Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me when all this
started had turned on his siren.

I finally got the car to the center median, and stopped. I got hold
of the door handle to open the door and pulled. The door shot open,
and the raft exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I
got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop laughing so
hard he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time
breathing.

I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft
started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again and
somewhat coherent.

He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever
seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket. He said no, he just
wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we
could and
went back to my place.

The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that all
that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside
the car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had
talked to the OHP cop.
Quote:
Groaner Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to
be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so
no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one
it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff
honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed.
"Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when
he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF
HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and
some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until
the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps
forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have
written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance
to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only
thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

narf poit chez BOOM January 12th, 2006 01:44 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
And a funny quote:
Quote:
Subject: Re: It's quiet... too quiet...
Author: Leon Brooks
Date: 08 Jan 2006 09:21 PM
Originally Posted: 08 Jan 2006 10:34 PM
William Anderson wrote on Monday 09 January 2006 06:38 [interspersed]:
> You have encountered the "obsolescence" rule about computers. If you
> can buy it at the store, it's already obsolete.

The ditty goes like this:

I bought a new computer
it came fully loaded
the warranty was for ninety days
but in thirty 't'was outmoded.

Cheers: Leon

--
"Okay, it's not the best plan I've ever been part of, but at least
its doing something. If it doesn't work, there is always Plan B."

"Colonel, there is no Plan B."

"There will be if we need it."

narf poit chez BOOM February 7th, 2006 05:45 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Some goodies from the Baen humor forum again:
Quote:
Subject: TOMBSTONE
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 06:03 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:18 PM
Three tipsy Irishmen were in a cemetery, searching for the oldest person buried there. One of the men, Shamus, yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Quote:
Subject: BEST THING
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 06:02 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:16 PM
A reporter is interviewing a 104-year-old woman. The reporter asks, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" The woman replies, "No peer pressure."
Quote:
Subject: CAT AND MOUSE
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 05:57 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:12 PM
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Quote:
Subject: LONG-HAUL DRIVER
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 08:54 AM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 10:09 AM
Two men are chatting at a roadside diner, and one discovers that the other is a long-haul truck driver. The man says to the truck driver, "I'd love to drive a big rig, but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "I have a trick to stay awake," says the truck driver. "I just put a $100 bill in my left hand and hold it out the window."
I saw this one on the Baen forums and decided to share it. (You can thank me later...after I've had a running start.)
Quote:
Subject: Snicker, snort
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 05 Feb 2006 05:07 AM
Originally Posted: 05 Feb 2006 06:22 AM

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U...

Randallw February 7th, 2006 07:54 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Real Monkey style (ok, yes I know it's an ape)

http://www.youtube.com/w/Martial-Art...0arts%20monkey

There's Monkey Kung-Fu as well but that's just some master doing Kata.

narf poit chez BOOM February 7th, 2006 04:14 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
There's only one responce to something like that..."MONKEY NINJAS!! ATTACK!!!!"

narf poit chez BOOM August 11th, 2006 08:44 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
I checked the Baen humour forum...Fear! Feeeear!!...
Quote:
Subject: And now a word from our legal department:.....
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 10 Aug 2006 11:57 PM
And now a word from our legal department:.....

This is a test. It is only a test. If this were not a test, it would not
be called test. Therefore, it is still a test and only a test. This test
is not to be confused with an emergency test. For that is an old test.
Those who created this test need no embellishment for they have already
passed this test and you need to pass this test as well.

If you received this test with prior notification that you were about to
receive this test, then it would be safe to say that you too are part of
this test. However, if you were not part of this test and received it,
then you could pass this test to the person or persons who should have
received this test on their behalf.

If you want to take this test, then you are most welcome to take this
test as long as you too pass this test. The pathway to the success of
this test leads the way to two kinds of constraints, those that pass the
test and those that do not pass the test. However, if you fail this test
it will go on record that you to have not succeeded in passing this
test.

Please note, that anyone not authorized to take this test, will be in
violation of test requirements and therefore their participation in this
test will be known as an invalid test. It is in the judgment of the test
committee, that, test management immediately disqualifies all invalid
tests. Empowered with this new understanding we could create more
assertive tests.

For those of you who have any questions about this test they should
write them down and send them to the test committee whereby they will
have a meeting to discuss the further possibilities of having still
another test.

In the meantime, Thank you for taking part in this test. This concludes
this test.

Signed,
Test Management

P.S. A warning is hereby given to those who have been granted permission
to take this test, they should never seek council after taking this
test.
I made sense of most of that; how about you?
Quote:
Subject: Ooops by 2
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 08 Aug 2006 04:15 AM
I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment with a
highly recommended stylist. I was told customers were taken on a walk-in
basis only.
On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m., only to learn that it was that
hairdresser's day off. I drove to another salon, but it was booked
solid. Still another had no openings.
The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted
me at the door. "That was fast," he said cheerfully. "Your hair looks
great!"

------------------------------



Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in
Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special.
When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would
sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell,"
the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
Quote:
You know you're in an Australian Summer when....

1.The best parking space is determined by shade
instead of distance.

2.Hot water comes out of both taps.

3.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding iron.

4.The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a
little chilly.

5.You discover that in February it only takes two
fingers to steer your car.

6.You discover that you can get sunburnt through
your car window.

7.You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

8.You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

9.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

10.You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

11. While walking back barefoot to your car from the
beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.

12.You catch a cold from having the aircon full
blast while you sleep during the night.

13.You pray that your train will have air-conditioning, and if it
doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth it.

Grumpy, Australia

Considering that it was 0 degrees last night - roll on Spring!
dave
And the thread's good, too
Quote:
Subject: Ethnicity
Author: Dan Neely
Date: 07 Aug 2006 06:06 PM
My dad is Icelandic, my mother Cuban. I'm an icecube.
I'm english, irish, scottish, welsh and german with a possible spot of russian. Somewhere in there is rumurs of gypsy and american indian (One of my uncles was actually mistaken for an american indian by the national geographic, among other things.).

Guess that explains why I'm so confused... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif
Quote:
Subject: You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 05:10 AM
You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .

*You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
*You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
*Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
*You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
*When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three
bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
*Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
*You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
*You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
*The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
*You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the
pool.
*You own more than three large coolers.
*You wish that other people would get hit by a hurricane and not feel
the least bit guilty about it.
*You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take
gallon of gas to get there and back"
*You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your
freezer
*Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can
assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
*You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
*You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance
policy.
*You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
*At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
*You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
*There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
*You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work
at the Weather Channel.
*Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
*Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
*Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
*Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
*You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
*You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a
tree worker.
*A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
*You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
*Your child's first words, "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
*Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
Christmas.
*Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
*You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad
side."
*Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
*You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
Quote:
Subject: Camping Chips
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 05:07 AM
Camping Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of
your underwear.

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

*A large carp can be used for a pillow.

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn

camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

*The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

*It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

*Effective January 1, 2000, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

*Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
a snoring tent mate.
I get the feeling some of those are not to be taken seriously.
Quote:
Subject: I don't blame him
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:58 AM
A woman, her husband, and their three very rambunctious young sons were in
their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car
next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last
baby, I want to try for a daughter."

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said,
"Here, have another cookie."
Quote:
Subject: Problem solved
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:55 AM

The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having
trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.
Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the
tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed
his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly
called him back, "Hey, where's your lift ticket?"

"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow."

At this, the two operator produced an ax and, with two
blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis,
just ahead of his toes.

With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator
lowered his ax and turned to the crowd, "Anyone else out
there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"
Quote:
Subject: Zinger!
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:50 AM
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a
hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became
more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package
had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect
me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good
health."
Quote:
Subject: Ooops
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:48 AM
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They
stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found
the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

Randallw August 12th, 2006 03:40 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
ALthough I live in the coldest state I can verify the following Australian summer items.

2,5,and 10

Renegade 13 August 25th, 2006 07:15 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

---------------------------------------------

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a deep valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk.

---------------------------------------------

Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time and this should help to get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

narf poit chez BOOM August 25th, 2006 07:50 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
That second one was especially good.

AngleWyrm September 1st, 2006 04:15 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Yea, but can you do THIS? (video clip)

AngleWyrm October 21st, 2006 11:01 PM
FInally Found Inner Peace
 
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished

And before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, 1/2 a bottle of red wine, a small box of chocolates, 3 shots of tequila, a can of cider and some cheese triangles.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Edit:
Picture

Randallw October 22nd, 2006 01:21 AM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
I Found a list of computer RPG cliches. I have only ever played one such game, FFVII, and yet I still recognise every one of them.

Short of copying the entire list here I'll post a link

http://project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html

Kamog October 22nd, 2006 12:20 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
That list is quite funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif I recognize a lot of stuff from the Final Fantasy series as well as Luna the Silver Star, Phantasy Star series, etc. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

narf poit chez BOOM October 25th, 2006 12:47 AM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
I thought that 'alcohal' one was hilarious - So did my Mom.

My usual copy-paste from the Baen humour forum:
Quote:
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Oct 2006 04:50 AM
Sub hunters
While my son Cliff was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE
WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally
left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy
sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that
the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the
pilot broke the silence by announcing, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are
hunting submawenes."
--
"I know now why men who have been to war yearn to reunite. Not to
tell stories or to look at old pictures. Not to laugh or weep on one
another's knee. Comrades gather because they long to be with men who
once acted their best."
Michael Norman's 'These Good Men'.
Quote:
Subject: DRIVE AROUND, PLEASE
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Oct 2006 04:50 AM



One night J. D. Roberts, an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency, was
involved in a raid on a drug house that was doing a brisk business in
marijuana sales. He and the other agents were dressed in black "battle"
fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on them. Local uniformed
officers in marked police cruisers also took part in the raid.

Roberts and his team easily entered the house and apprehended the
suspect. Several hundred pounds of marijuana were confiscated without
incident. Within minutes the officers were collecting evidence and
finishing up at the scene.

As Roberts started out the front door, he noticed a pickup truck parked
behind one of the marked police cruisers in front of the house. Two
long-haired individuals got out of the pickup and strolled past the
police cruisers parked in the driveway, then walked up to Roberts and
his partner.

"Hey man, he still selling pot?" Roberts looked at his partner, then
back at the guy. "Yeah, he is. Just go around and knock on the back
door." "Cool." The two men nodded and walked on.

Roberts watched in amazement as the two individuals sauntered around to
the rear of the house. Roberts radioed the officers still inside the
house that they had customers at the back door.

The uniformed officers inside quickly hid while one plainclothes
detective answered the door. The new customers asked where the old
owner was, and the officer explained that the owner had stepped out but
that he could help them.

They requested a fifty-dollar bag of marijuana. The officer went to the
next room, grabbed a handful from the four hundred pounds of pot they
had just confiscated and stuffed it into a plastic bag. The two
customers were ecstatic. They thanked the officer for his generosity.

Roberts and his partner were still in the drive way, still wearing the
black battle fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on their chests,
when the two customers headed back to their pickup, oblivious to the
uniformed officers and the two marked police cruisers in the driveway.

Finally, Roberts walked up to the two satisfied customers and arrested
them. The agents reconfiscated the dope and impounded the pickup - just
as another prospective customer pulled up.

Roberts decided this was too easy to ignore. "We moved the two cruisers
and started putting the impounded vehicles in the back. We make about
fourteen more sales and arrests that night. By the time we were
through, the backyard was filled with cars. It was the darnedest
impromptu sting I've ever seen."
Quote:
Subject: Groaner
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 Oct 2006 05:14 AM

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The
cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time
with his cymbal clash.

The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect
and that he wouldn't play it as written.

The Music Director told him he either had to play the piece as written,
or he would be kicked off the band. The young man refused, and the
Music Director had no choice but to kick him off the band.

Late, the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he had kicked
the young musician off the band.

He replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."

Randallw October 25th, 2006 01:43 AM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
This is your brain on drugs.

narf poit chez BOOM November 1st, 2006 10:54 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
Dead C'thulhu lies dreaming,
But now he's waking up!
Better leave the planet in a Big Space Ship!
Shippy dip! Ship-shippy dip!
Shippy dip! Ship-shippy dip!
No, I cannot explain. Eldritch pony horrors have captured my mind.

narf poit chez BOOM November 9th, 2006 09:45 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Tube Peace
 
Thought I'd post a LDS joke...You see, some otherwise-pleasant people are convinced we are going to hell...

A man died and, having lived a good life, was met by Saint Peter at the golden gate. So, he was given a tour of heaven so he could pick where he wanted to live.

He was shown towering mountains, beutifull forests, calm lakeside beaches and glorious waterfalls...And then they came upon a sheer cliff.

'What's down there?', the man asked.
'Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell down there', Saint Peter said.
'Well, can't hurt to look', the man said.

So, he looked...Then he turned to Saint Peter and asked 'Are you sure that's hell? It's beutifull - All wheatfields and orchards!'

Saint Peter looked over the side and said...

...'Darnit! Those mormons are cultivating again!'

Ok, so maybe it's a little obscure. But I like it.

Randallw November 10th, 2006 04:11 AM
Re: FInally Found Inner Tube Peace
 
As a Catholic I may disagree with you, and on at least 2 occasions I have actively debated with your brethren, but I find that sort of joke thing uncalled for and frankly offensive but I applaud your ability to shrug it off and make fun of it.

I actually know quite a few Catholic jokes so in the spirit here's one.

Paddy and Sean are working on the road when a protestant minister walks past looks furitively from side to side and then ducks into the local Brothel.
"Look at that, Sean" says Paddy "Filthy protestant ducking into the house of sin. For shame"
Later a Rabbi walks past, and again, looks up and down the road before walking into the brothel.
"There's another of the dirty perverts" says Paddy.
Later a Catholic priest also walks past and as before also enters the Brothel.
"Take your hat off Sean" says Paddy "One of those poor girls is dying"

oh and don't worry. According to this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell%2C_Norway

Hell doesn't have Mormons. It's full of Lutherans http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

Disclaimer: I can see this could get controversial. But in Narfs, and my defense, we are telling jokes about our own religions.

Randallw November 10th, 2006 04:34 AM
Re: FInally Found Inner Tube Peace
 
In an attempt perhaps to get away from a touchy area, here are a few more PC jokes.

"Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

"Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability."

"Three blind mice walk into a bar. They are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from their predicament would be exploitative

Q: What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
A: "Get in the car."

capnq November 10th, 2006 01:20 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Tube Peace
 
Randallw's jokes remind me of this gag from one of my favorite Web comics.

narf poit chez BOOM November 10th, 2006 09:08 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Tube Peace
 
Two guys...Er, two people...Er, two mobile object...Er, two...Ah, never mind.

Two guys walk into a bar. The gal ducks.

Randallw November 10th, 2006 11:25 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Tube Peace
 
Quote:
capnq said:
Randallw's jokes remind me of this gag from one of my favorite Web comics.
Haha you read IW too. I have written at least twice to Dr Marr about strips. He is very nice and responds. You know it's quite possible that's the reason I looked at Meta-Humour on wiki.

Here's another one. I just yesterday read this one in a book I was reading about Quantumn mechanics. It was in a section about infinity.

Problem 1: A kettle is hanging on a peg. Describe the sequence of events to make a cup of tea.

1.Take the kettle off the peg
2.Put it in the sink
3.Turn on the tap
4.wait till kettle fills with water
5.Turn the tap off
etc.

Problem 2. A kettle is sitting in the sink. Describe the sequence of events needed to make a cup of tea.

answer: take it out of the sink and hang it on peg. follow sequence 1 http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

If you get the joke, congratulations you are apparently a mathematician.

and equally obscure. Here's a PHP joke.

OBGYN.

I came up with that one a few weeks ago. Hah I am officially a computer nerd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif

Renegade 13 January 21st, 2007 08:01 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
What, no new posts since November? I'm disappointed with all you jokers here! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...ies/tongue.gif

=====================================

Came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

*****

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena (a new employeed) is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

*****

They're back! Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge Up Yours".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

*****

Ramblings of a Retired Old Man's Mind .....

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
*
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
*
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
*
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
*
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
*
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers !
*
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
*
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
*
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me,I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
*

*****

The Purina Diet

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

*****

Bungee in Mexico
Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in
Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the HELL is a pińata?!"

*****

Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

*****

Young Couple
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

*****

Emergency Flashers
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer... "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

*****

After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life, An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly broad he's runnin' around with."

Renegade 13 January 21st, 2007 08:11 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
1 Attachment(s)
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/redface.gif
http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/thr...89123-1001.png

Renegade 13 January 21st, 2007 08:14 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
1 Attachment(s)
*

http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/thr...89124-1003.png

Renegade 13 January 21st, 2007 08:24 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
1 Attachment(s)
&
http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/thr...89127-1004.png

Renegade 13 January 21st, 2007 08:31 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
1 Attachment(s)
Ouch

http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/thr...89128-1005.png

Ironmanbc January 21st, 2007 08:38 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
The Purina Diet

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.


Oh god my sides... that was FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Renegade 13 June 16th, 2007 05:56 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts of Indiana and Louisiana.

=========================

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

=========================

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

=========================

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

=========================

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

=========================

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

=========================

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Renegade 13 June 17th, 2007 10:58 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
School 1967 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant nest.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and the FBI are called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated; Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.

1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

narf poit chez BOOM June 18th, 2007 05:04 AM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
There is some truth there.

The simple fact is, people are a lot less trusting today. But much of that mistrust is not earned.

Let me put it bluntly: Most of the world doesn't care enough about you to try to rip you off. Sit on the side of the road with a flat tire and eventually someone will help.

Of course, if everyone goes around mistrusting everybody, less people help with flat tires.

Which means that more people mistrust other people.

Interesting, isn't it?

Randallw June 18th, 2007 07:28 AM
Re: FInally Found Inner Peace
 
Quote:
narf poit chez BOOM said:
Let me put it bluntly: Most of the world doesn't care enough about you to try to rip you off.
Generally one philosophical discussion at a time is enough for me but I see an error in your statement.

If they don't care enough to rip you off then concurrently they won't care enough to want to help.

The problem I see with modern society is people are so self centred and obsessed with their own comfort and appetites, the so called me generation, they don't have time to work together to advance society as a whole.

capnq June 18th, 2007 08:42 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
IMO it's quite poor form to hijack a jokes thread for a political rant, even if I agree with the sentiments.

Randallw June 18th, 2007 09:58 AM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
oh sorry, I was just replying to Narf. We have a similar discussion in another thread.

Renegade 13 June 18th, 2007 06:16 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Tube Peace
 
Apologies in advance to any blonde women who read this forum!

The blind man...
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Renegade 13 June 18th, 2007 06:18 PM
Re: FInally Found Inner Tube Peace
 
California DRIVER'S TEST

For those of you who are not "fortunate" (mmm.....not the word I would use) enough to live in California ,here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam.

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California , you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the California area.

2007 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name:__________________
Agent: ___________________ Attorney:____________________
Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
_______________________________________________ (Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*
* If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test; you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.

Renegade 13 June 18th, 2007 06:21 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Quote:
capnq said:
IMO it's quite poor form to hijack a jokes thread for a political rant, even if I agree with the sentiments.
Who, me? That was meant to be the joke, no political rant intended.
Quote:
Narf said:
Sit on the side of the road with a flat tire and eventually someone will help.
Not always true. I had a flat tire a couple weeks ago, and spent 2.5 hours on the side of the road trying to replace it (the old tire was rust-welded to the axel)...and not a single person stopped. Hundreds of vehicles passed, not a single one stopped. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/Injured.gif

narf poit chez BOOM June 18th, 2007 07:14 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
I've seen people stop to help others.

Renegade 13 June 19th, 2007 05:19 PM
Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

===============

Worm Demonstration
A priest decides to demonstrate virtue with four earthworms. At the beginning of his sermon, he places the first into a jar of whiskey, the second into a jar of tobacco, the third into a jar of deep fryer grease, and the fourth into a jar of dirt. At the end of the sermon, the worm in the whiskey is DEAD! The worm in the tobacco is DEAD! The worm in the grease is DEAD! The worm in the dirt is alive and happy. The priest asks the congregation, "what can we conclude from this demonstration?"

Little Johnny yells from the back, "As long as we continue to drink, smoke, and eat fried foods, we'll never get worms!"

===============

(No offense intended to anyone of the following national groups...it's just so funny I had to share http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif )

Terror Alert
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross " Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


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