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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Wow, it seems that everything I've heard about vampires is wrong... is it true that you need to drink blood? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
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Although nailing 3 people on the head to the wall while alive was done... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif Several Edits: Darn, I really need to use the preview. [ November 12, 2002, 03:43: Message edited by: TerranC ] |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Yeah TerranC but I think you need to qualify that as Vlad Drakul only nailed Turks to the walls, and the Turks were invading at the time so I suppose there is a modicum of justification
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
AWOOGA AWOOG AWOOGA - Cantina alert, Cantina alert
We have now passed 1550 Posts, it strikes me that this is an appropriate time to begin thinking about closing down the cantina..... Dogscoff and Gryphin, you and I need to discuss potential mayhem, plans to take over the world etc, I have some ideas, send me a PM and we will talk over the master plan. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Why close the Cantina yet again? Sounds crazy to me. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
Edit: By the way, I fixed my sig so that now I actually say "Onions" in every post. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif [ November 12, 2002, 09:29: Message edited by: Imperator Fyron ] |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Fyron: I'll modify my timetraveling gearbox. When you say O..o.s in the cantina, my gearbox will transport you into another plane of time. It's up to you to get back again. Ehh... the gearbox is not traveling with you of course, that would be too easy. Happy timetraveling, dear Fyron. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Ahhh, it's that time again is it?
*Dogscoff puts in a call to his orbitting battlemoon and soon a five-hundred-strong squad of genetically-altered bio-mechanical suicide demolition lobsters march into the cantina, taking up position in strategic structural points. "OK boys, we haven't yet decided the right time to bring the Cantina down, so hold on to your fuses for now. We might even destroy it in some other way altogether, but you being here will make sure everything goes with a Bang when we do." Dogscoff looks at the exploding crustaceans and wonders what the point of them wearing hardhats is. To illustrate the point, he stamps on a lobster which promptly detonates, throwing Dogscoff across the room to land behind the bar. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Something worse than exploding lobsters looms on the horizon, Growltigga, up in the cantina observatory with his large telescope, catches sight of his nemesis, and promptly needs to run to the loo in terror
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
A van pulls up outside the cantina with "Health & Safety Executive" written on the side of it....
Growltigga is cowering in the toilet, gibbering with terror and desparately calling for more paper |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
The health and safety execs walk into the Cantina, armed with nothing more than white coats and clipBoards.
Everything goes quiet. They move around the room, with Tig, Dogscoff and Taz following dejectedly. The officials read aloud as they add items to the list of health and safety hazards. Item: One beaten and bloody Bill Gates clone and auto-cloner. When was the Last time you had this thing washed, hmm? The auto-cloner's filthy as well. Minus 8000 points. Item: One highly dangerous and unpredictable wall-mounted Graviton Hellbore, minus 20000 points. Item: Bartender appears to be a tasmaninan devil, species Sarcophilus laniarius Cartoonus. I don't care how often you wash your hands, Mr Taz, I fail to believe you can keep all that slobber out people's drinks. Minus 15000 points. Item: Approximately four hundred and ninety nine loose lobsters. Minus 4990 points. Are these on the menu Mr Scoff or are they customers? Exploding lobsters? Minus 49900 points. tyhen again, they are at least wearing hard hats, so we can overlook this item. Item: One non-western vampire. Kindly turn that cloaking device off, Mr Fyron, it's very rude and your powers are useless against Health and Safety. Do you have a license to serve the undead Mr Tigga? No, I didn't think so. Minus 75000 points. They continue their listings... |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
The inspectors walk over to the kitchen.... "my god" one of them cries, "we have a code 3 offence here"...
Growltigga is sobbing into his hands, Dogscoff is looking worried and Gryphin is looking constipated..... "Dont you know that keeping fanatical killer mongoose staffed comical mediaval armies in the kitchen is seriously illegal" says one of the inspectors, "that is an automatic minus 50,000 points" "and what are we going to see when we look into that large fridge?" "and what is large bowel of dogpoo on the cooker marked "Mac's special chilli?" "and why is there the remains of a 400 foot long genetically modified giant squid in that fish cooker?" "and why are the cupBoards infested by assorted woodland creatures dressed in fake chainmail?" Growltigga frantically waves to one of the FBW's and tells her to put some clothes on, clean up the, ahem, office and to get the pygmies out of the lavatory FAST |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
While the health inspectors pore over the various violations in the kitchen, Dogscoff slips quietly out to the car park to summon Barry.
He returns to the kitchen with the T-Rex, who has just been promised a sizeable bonus if he'll give the health inspectors a very personal demonstration of our food preparation techniques. Barry is standing just about to bite the head off the nearest inspector when he turns and bonks Barry on the snout with his clipboard. "Attempting to eat a member of the Galactic Health and Safety executive is a very serious offence. Attempting to do so without first ensuring that he is properly gutted and cooked in a hygenic environment is even more serious. Minus 60000 points. Also, prehistoric carnivores over 30 tonnes in weight fall under subsection 2.77 of the dangerous animals act. Furthermore I think I can smell fetid chunks of Anklyosaurus meat in between its teeth, which represents a serious hygeine hazard in this food preparation area. Minus 35000 points." Barry, who is very sensitive about his breath problem, runs from the Cantina in tears. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Growltigga, tears in his eyes at the severity of the points being deducted from the cantina, rushes back to his private commode where he proceeds to vent his anxiety in the most solid way possible....
Summoning Dogscoff and Gryphin, he asks them to come up with a cunning plan to get the cantina out of this unholy mess it has gotten itself into!! |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Dogfscoff, holding his nose and averting his eyes from 'Tigga's source of relief, suggest either bribery or full scale Lobster detonation.
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Hmmmm... says Growltigga, screwing up his eyes and forcing a particularily large bit of anxiety out, bribery could be good given that the fines are going to financial demolish Tigg-Scoff PLC, detonation of the exploding lobsters may just result in more fines (but could possibly wipe out the evidence).. we have tried extreme violence, do you think, excuse me, plop plop, it could be worth persuading the FBW's to try and catch the inspectors in compromising positions??
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
The FBW plan might work, but on the other hand it might backfire if they try to do anything the inspectors consider "unhygenic". We have to do something though, look at some of the stuff on this list:
Item: One half empty bottle of Vaxin absynthe. You do realise that this is the stuff they make kamikaze warheads out of don't you? Minus 22000 points. Item: A severed arm found in the dishwasher. Minus 12000 points. Item: An extreme number of customers' battlemoons parked in orbit above the Cantina causing unwanted gravitational effects for the entire system. Minus 200000 points. Just to remind you of the Galactic Health and safety points scale: 80 to 100 points: Exemplary H&S procedures. 50 to 79 points: Good H&S procedures. Cleanliness and safety not considered an issue. Some room for improvement. 30 to 49 points: Satisfactory H&S. No work needed to comply with legal requirements, although many improvements could be made. 1 to 29 points: Borderline H&S, improvements reccomended. Enforcement at disscretion of visiting H&S official. -30 to 0 points: Bad H&S. Immediate minor improvements required. Establishment may stay open while improvements are made. -60 to -31 points: Major, immediate work required. Establishment to be closed while improvements are made. -100 to -61 points: Grave H&S violations. Closure of premises required while work is carried out, business owner must then re-apply for H&S permits. -200 to -101 points: Deliberate flouting of H&S procedures. Owner may be liable for criminal prosection. -400 to -201 points: Establishment poses serious threat to surrounding community. Recommend immediate demolition and purging of entire area. -800 to -401: This score only awarded to disease ridden, radioactive swamps which are home to maurauding rabid killer mutant sludge beasts. Notice that the score doesn't go below -1000, because no-one has ever scored that low. Our score is currently at around -400000 and dropping rapidly... [ November 12, 2002, 17:18: Message edited by: dogscoff ] |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Oh lordy, we is going down and no mistake
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
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While the health inspectors are busy checking the kitchen area Geo scurries about picking up any remaining pieces of his various heads that might have been missed by Taz's apparently less than throurough nightly cleaning. Don't want to make things any worse than they already are. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
*Storms over to the cantina from his precariously hovering dreadnought, after a bad week, hoping to drown his sorrows and rage he heads towards the cantina when... A health inspector complains that the ship is hovering above the van and order RD to knock off the engines*
~Sigh~ *doing so numerous accounts of verbal abuse can be heard from the driver of the flattened van Walks over to a table in the dark cornor with a bottle of absynthe that was in a basket labelled "do not touch - Health Hazard" assuming this is gt's way of disposing of unwanted stock RD Takes one but is halted by yet another inspector* "One fully armed leader of the deadstar continuum, those tachyon projectile missile loaded phasers are Banned! Minus 1000, carrying Banned bottle of alchohol, minus 500, sitting in an overly brooding corner, minus 700 pts" *The resulting inspector can be heard dissolving into a pile of vaporised as RD's week procedes to get worse...* "Oh well, wheres the new establishment, a swedish lodge? a beach hut? or the bar from the large tigga scoff party stadium? Also i believe that the FBW's wouldn't be in any unhygenic positions, maybe the use of their construction sized cheese graters and strimmers would though..." *picks up one of geoschmos old heads and hides it behind his back so the health inspector doesn't see* [ November 12, 2002, 18:22: Message edited by: Raging Deadstar ] |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
You banished the vegetable god who was dumping onions on your head evry time you said "onions", now he has no way to get to you, so he won't be throwing onions at the Cantina any more.
Saying "onions" has just become harmless. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
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*Contemplates whether he should use his unholy powers of persuasion on the H&S Inspectors to save the Cantina or not. He has been constantly persecuted and repressed here, after all.* |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
We've went through 2 already, and now we're going to close this one, and open another one? Unnecessary fuss to me, lads.
Well, can't disagree with the majority. Somebody go to new england and tell them to make a oak sign, light and small as possible without compromising the legible-from-200-parsecs limit. And tell them to include the new name: *insert name here* Somebody open a new poll, will ya? *goes back to the Last stool available and keeps the lobsters away as best as TC can.* |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
...Destroy the Cantina??? Haven't we been doing that all along?
Well, if the bosses want destruction, then I guess we will HAVE destruction... Hmmm, what to use... Alcohol burns nicely... The electrical equipment COULD be rigged to spark and explode... Those pent up GASSES in the Gents Room might combust... Nope. The Cantina has survived worse! Perhaps if we cause a nova in the local sun?? ...Taz begins to construct a Star Destroyer http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
:: Scans the cantina, notes the dart board, Steps over and packs them away, Nudges Paladin of Earth,:: Come on, we got to plan the new place.
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Help! What's going on? Why are you blowing up the Cantina? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif I don't know anything, I just stepped in here a few minutes ago... Where's the emergency exit? By the way, I had no idea this place was so unsanitary and dangerous! Is the new place going to score above -1000 at least?
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
No emergency exits. -25393 points.
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Huge piles of mouldy onions scattered about the Cantina. Minus 3000 points.
Patrons buried under said piles of onions, many of them in advanced stages of decomposition: Minus 4000 points. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Allowing elderly patrons smelling of urine and colostomy bags into the cantina -1000 points
Repeated unlicenced uses of them-a-matic machines -1000 points Serving carbonated urine extracted from alcoholics to north american patrons -2000 points Hey, good news guys, we have gained a 1000 points for the hygienic state of the FBW's quarters, gawd bless 'em The inspectors continue prowling round the cantina, so far, the kitchen is taking up a lot of their time and they havn't even gone into the toilets yet.... Growltigga runs into the loos with the Cif mousse in order to clean up the results of his latest anxiety attack........ Coming out of the new pine fresh and lemon scented loos, Growltigga summons the regulars into a huddle.... Listen guys, unless someone has a phenominally clever brainwave to get us out of this mess, the cantina is going to get closed down by the HSE rapido.... what do we do? open up a new cantina elsewhere and try and improve our hygiene standards? what do we do? |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Pssst. GT, quietly evacuate the patrons from the cantina, then use the Planet size sliser and dicer befor the HSE people know it, ya know, one Last act of cartoon violence, We can then sell pieces of the cantina to raise credits for the new place.
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
ONION
Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to stem a four-year decline in freaky Yolandas throwing they titties on U.S. glass, U.S. Sen. Mix-A-Lot (B-WA) introduced sweeping new putting-'em-on-glass legislation Tuesday. "Now listen up, Uncle Sam / I wanna see soul sistas pressin' that ham / Make me say damn / I wanna rear-end 'em / So I'm callin' a Senate referendum / Bounce by the ounce don't make no fun / I'll take 'em by the ton, son," Mix-A-Lot said. "Don't hand this bill down to no committees / 'Cause Mix don't wait on monster titties / Note to my colleague Tom Daschle / That if the babies be gettin' bashful / No melons droppin' on my windshield / So get them nudie laws repealed." Mix-A-Lot then gave props to the authors of H.R. 1610, from which several key clauses were sampled. History Channel Admits To Profiting From Nazi Documentaries NEW YORK—The History Channel confessed Monday that it used Nazi footage to fatten its coffers. "The time has come to bring our network's shameful legacy to light," History Channel president Warren Brabender said. "Over the past 10 years, more than $300 million in ad revenue has been generated through the airing of Nazi documentaries." The channel will likely be required to pay reparations to Americans who viewed the atrocities. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Gryphin, I think that is a good idea although my preferred plan was to evacuate the cantina whilst I detonate the super powerful tactical nuclear warhead located in the basement of the cantina...
(yes yes the cantina has a basement, it is where the mongoose, raccoons and various denizens of the deep live) |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
We can do both.
< soto voice > First we slice and dice espcialy the area with the inspec.. (and not the celler), Collect 1/2 the pieces, then ignite your bomb. Charge extra for pieces with FBW costume parts. (yes we evacuate the FBWs first). |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Hmm, what an image:
The Great Kat begging: Quote:
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
*Rags walks in after thinking all night as to how we could save the Cantina. "I have an idea guys, come here... First of all we get ahold of Timstone, and borrow his Gearbox... Then we send the HS people to the other diminsion(sp) for them to finish their study. I mean, doesn't each diminsion have an exact opposite? So that would mean that the other Cantina is extreamly clean right? So we send the HS people there, along with one of us from here and they finish their stuff in a clean place. Resulting in getting alot of points and saving the Cantina. Then when they are finished, tell them, "LOOK A COW!" and when they turn around have the person we send with them activate the Gearbox and send them back here. Recieve our bill of a clean establishment and we move on with life. You guys think it will work?"
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Hey, I'm Sold. And I don't mean into any kind of slavery, either.
mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
...Hey Boss, my Star Destroyer is almost finished. How about I launch it, and we all take off in our Battlemoons? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
 BOOM  Then we come back and recreate this whole system. The nova should eliminate those pesky inspectors and their unholy paperwork too! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Taz,
that would be very effective but somehow I don't think the other denizens of this planet would apriciate it much. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Fyron feels that there is no room in the hearts of the Cantina members to accept a Vampire. So, he will not help them in getting rid of the inspectors.
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Imperator Fyron, I have no objection to Vampires at all.
mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Dont be daft Fyron, we do not mind any forms of undead in the cantina... after all, Mac has been a regular patron of the cantina and he smells like a zombie and is close enough to expiring anyway.....
The only problem with vampires is that we do not serve blood at the bar, you can have a bud if you want... Back to the inspectors, they are still ensconced in the kitchen, I am favouring evacuation of the cantina closely followed by total nuclear destruction, does anyone else have any bright ideas? (Timstone, yours does have a glimmer of hope) |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Well you kept trying to kill me... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
I am capable of drinking other stuff than blood, you know. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
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* Dogscoff swings a revving chainsaw at 'Tigga's neck, but in a friendly sort of a way. |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Avoiding the alarming use of armour plated genital protection by Dogscoff, Growltigga pulls out his trusty cricket ball and whallops Dogscoff on the head, on the foot and on the derriere
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Minus 2000 points for allowing violance in the Cantina.
Minus another 2245 points for that violance being the dangerous sort. "(Timstone, yours does have a glimmer of hope)" Are you talking about the gearbox idea and sending them to another dimension? If so that was my idea... But we would be using Timstones gearbox. But I don't mind not getting the credit for it. I'm just a lowly patron here in the Cantina anyways. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Growltigga turns and gives Rags a stomping hard kick in the happy sacks for being a cheeky chappy of the first order
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Rags bends over from the pain. He says, "Ok, sorry, I'll be leaving now." Rags walks out of the Cantina still howling in pain as he Boards his Cruiser.
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
Quote:
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
So why did you try to exorcise me? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
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Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
You posted that link, you deserve it http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif (and no, I didn't click on it, I read the URL. Seen way too many of those things lately)
Phoenix-D |
Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
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