Re: Advise
 

New joke of the Day...

***
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
***

Re: Advise
 

For any of you that get in a accident, hopefully you dont, but here is what you should do.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Re: Advise
 

Wardad and rags, <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font>

I am not sure which is funnier. I do know that the two combined, helped me pass a large sip of my coffee and part of a chocolate dogunt through my nose!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

Re: Advise
 

99 Reasons Beer is better than women.

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the ""wet spot"" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a ""buzz"" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't *****, yell, or cry."
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are ****heads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous t@#s.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

Re: Advise
 

Wardad, any reason you stopped at 99???

<font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> The list, by the way, is great! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

Re: Advise
 

***

WISE OLD INDIAN

The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes.

No debt.

Plenty buffalo.

Plenty beaver.

Women did all the work.

Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night loving women."

The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

***

Re: Advise
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Yes, I stopped for a beer run.

Re: Advise
 

THE NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8hrs.

St. M O M 'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Re: Advise
 

Wardad, <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> are these over the counter pharmaceuticals???

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

Re: Advise
 

KABUL (Voice of Sharia) -- Citing worldwide reaction to Last week's terrorist attacks, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors. The "holy war" concern said the move was necessary because of an expected 20 percent fatwah reduction and the cost and complexity of thwarting new airport and immigration security procedures, according to a statement broadcast on Afghanistan's Voice of Sharia radio. "This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have had to do in my over two decades as a mujahad," said Al Qaeda mastermind and chief operations officer Osama bin Laden in a letter to employees. He added, "Some of these people are my friends, who have been fighting the infidel by my side since we were were living in caves in Afghanistan during the Soviet occupation. We are still living in caves in Afghanistan, but I believe the bottom is forming and we will see a turnaround soon, provided we can meet the challenge by getting both leaner AND meaner."
"I have declared a state of emergency at Al Qaeda," he said. "This declaration is an official recognition that, hard as it may be to accept, our network's very survival depends on dramatic change to our operations, our jihad and worst of all our staffing levels." The cuts, bin Laden said, would include both mujahadin (holy warriors) and ulema (clerics). They will impact Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq. Some mujahadin will be notified immediately, others won't be notified until the end of next week as they finish attacks in progress or in late stages of planning, according to Taliban spokesman Wakil Ahmed. Staff cuts for suicide pilots, car bombers, petty religious clerics and other Al Qaeda holy warriors will be based on seniority, Ahmed said, in a deal worked out at a meeting between bin Laden and union officials from the IBIJ (International Brotherhood of the Islamic Jihad).

Mujahadin and others who lose their jobs will not receive any sort of severance package, according to the Al Qaeda statement. Pakistan, which oversees Al Quaeda and its subsidiary Taliban organization, is the world's largest country with a pre-medieval culture and justice system. The country's latest quarterly report said the different units of the Al Qaeda/Taliban organization, including the madrassas (schools Pakistan has been running for twenty years to turn ordinary children into suicidal holy warriors) had at total of 30,000 employees, meaning the cut represents a 16 percent reduction in staff. Al Qaeda is the latest in a string of Islamic terror network layoff announcements, pushing the total of announced cuts in the Last five days to 10,000.

Referring to massive U.S. troop movements involving three carrier Groups in the Mediterranean and Arabian Sea, worried Afghani ulemas in testimony during the emergency sharia council in Khandahar on Thursday told their spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar that the number is likely to cross the 20,000 threshold in the coming days, through attrition, with none of the expected openings slated to be refilled. OIC (Organization of the Islamic Conference) and bin Laden are considering spending billions on emergency aid to the industry, distributed through a vast network of corrupt Saudi emirs, international prostitution rings and drug smugglers. The current exchange rate is approximately 100,000 afghanis to the dollar. The PLO announced Tuesday it will reduce its workforce by 200 to 300 sleeper agents worldwide by end of 2002 at its commercial bus bombing division and restaurant theater operations.

Re: Advise
 

Down To The Old Pub Instead
A good old Irish song. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

http://www.whatarerecords.com/oldpub

Re: Advise
 

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=873

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=387

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=566

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=236

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=662

[ March 24, 2003, 19:08: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Re: Advise
 

Wardad, don't worry I am here. Reading and laughing. It just took me this long to regain enough composure to post. Just laughing to much........ <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font>

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

Re: Advise
 

TOP TWENTY WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...

1. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

Re: Advise
 

"You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the USA of arrogance,
and the Germans don't want to go to war"

author unknown

Re: Advise
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> Ain't it so?!?

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

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Truth or urban legend?

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.
A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.
At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many Languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked.
"Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.
"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

Re: Advise
 

Truth or?
I don't know but Touche!

Re: Advise
 

We must never forget this danger!!!!!!!!1


Try this.

Go to http://members.aol.com/matt999h/beer.htm

Re: Advise
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Been there - done that.

Re: Advise
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Been there - done that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Excellent! You and Wardad are making my time light, and lively! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

Re: Advise
 

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets see now...

No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks. Rags For clothes, towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors. 24 hour wailing from a guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas. You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses, and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else; she smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you when you die it all gets better.

NO MYSTERY HERE.

Re: Advise
 

A Blonds Wish....

http://www.madbLast.com/view.cfm?typ...e&display=1268

Re: Advise
 

Wardad, I am glad they aren't! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Brains, that is!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

Re: Advise
 

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.

"One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out,
"One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge fire fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
again silence.

The American voice calls out again,
"One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"

Re: Advise
 

Wardad <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font>

That is GREAT!!!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

Re: Advise
 

Updated Employee Handbook 2003
Effective immediately

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now Banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1, July 4 and Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders Category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

The Management

Re: Advise
 

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>OK, I'll show up to work and spread my sickness to the whole company! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
>My replacement will catch my disease, and will die two weeks after me, so he will immediately have to train another replacement for him!

RESTROOM USE:
>No problem. I'll keep a jar in my cubicle so I won't have to leave.

Re: Advise
 

OK! You both got me!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

Re: Advise
 

Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a "diet" coke.

Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Re: Advise
 

Wardad, I especially like the view of "politics". Seems I have been more right, than I had thought! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

Re: Advise
 

I need a copy of the hand book!

Re: Advise
 

Let's play HANGAROO!

http://www.insanepictures.com/gm.shtml?0034.htm

Re: Advise
 

My personnal favorite: Battered Wives

http://www.insanepictures.com/pic.shtml?1042.jpg

Re: Advise
 

CEO TROLL!

You are a sick sick puppy!!!

but maybe she would better off in cookie dough.

Re: Advise
 

Wardad, I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Re: Advise
 

CEO you are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Re: Advise
 

WD I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

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CEO I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

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WD you sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

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CEO, did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Re: Advise
 

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

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Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

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I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Re: Advise
 

CEO any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

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WD the fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

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Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Re: Advise
 

Well, how about you sit together and talk about it in private. I bet you know each other better then one would expect. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Re: Advise
 

CEO TROLL:

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Don't know who you are, and I do not care. This is my thread. You want to flame someone, fine! Do it somewhere else. If not I will lock this thread! Or, I will delete just start deleting Posts!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

Re: Advise
 

Mlmbd, I think they're actually the same person.