Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

A woman walks into a pharmacy and up to the prescription 'order here' counter..."I need some cyanide or some chemical like it to kill my husband," she says.

"Ma'am, you can't just walk in here and order chemicals like that and it's against the law to kill your husband'" answers the pharmacist.

She rustles around in her purse and produces an envelope and pulls out something and hands it to the pharmacist. It's a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist remarks,"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Programmer or Serial Killer? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

See if you can pick out the killers!!!
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">This will leave any positive integer x completely intact:
1) x div 10000
2) (1) * 80 = (x div 10000)*80
3) (2) + 1 = ((x div 10000)*80) + 1
4) (3) * 250 = (((x div 10000)*80) + 1) * 250 = 250*((x div 10000)*80) + 250 = 250*80*(x div 10000) + 250 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250
5) (4) + x mod 10000 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 + (x mod 10000)
6) (5) + x mod 10000 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 + 2*(x mod 10000) = 2*10000*(x div 10000) + 2*(x mod 10000) + 250 = 2*10000*(x/10000) + 250 = 2*x + 250
7) (6) - 250 = 2*x + 250 - 250 = 2*x
8) (7) / 2 = 2*x/2 = x

It doesn't matter what number you start with.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Here's an explanation of how this works for those of us less mathematically inclined then Jack Simth: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

The idea is to take the first three digits of the phone number and add four zeros after it. You do this by multiplying by ten thousand. Then add the Last four digits to that and the result is your phone number. However doing these two simple steps would be easily recognizable and not illicate the proper "Spooky!" reaction, so the rest of the instuctions are combinations of steps that cancel each other out and so have no net effect.

Steps 2, 4, and 8 multiply the first three digits given in step 1 by 80, then by 250, and then divide by 2. This extra complication serves only to confuse and can be simplified down to multiplication by 10,000. (80 x 250 = 20,000, 20,000/2 = 10,000)

Step 3, adding 1, is usless complication meant only to confuse, and is canceled out by step 7, subtracting 250. You have to subtract 250 because in between you multipled by 250 in step 4.

Steps 5 has to be duplicated with step 6 because you are dividing by 2 in step 8.

Pretty neat, but very simple when you see what's happening. It the mathematical equivalent of a magician distracting you with irrelevant movements of his right hand while he pulls a card out of his left pocket.

[ October 20, 2003, 17:25: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

cool games at Jarky

http://www.jarkey.net/play_games/pool.html

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Something like this actually happened to my mom once... (She was the little girl http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif )

Little girl: Sister, what's the difference between Christians and Jews?

Nun: Well, for one thing, Christians believe that Jesus is God, but Jews don't.

Little girl: Really? (thinks) That's an awful strange thing to base a religion on, isn't it? I mean, what do they do at their churches, go around singing songs like "Jesus Ain't God And This I Know, 'Cause The Talmud Don't Say So"?

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

SE4 Daffynitions

Drushocka - A particularly outrageous episode of "The Drew Carey Show", such as the one where Drew and Mimi get married
Eee - What you say upon seeing a Drushocka
Phong - The only alien in SE4 named for the way the light reflects off his head
Applied Research - The technology that you research with the points produced by the facility that requires the technology that you research with the...
Starfury - An actor scorned
Terran - What ripper beams are doing to ships' hulls
Xiati - Gesundheit!
Ringworld - The bonus stage in a Sonic the Hedgehog game
Depleted Uranium Cannon - Not as healthy as a Vitamins A & D Fortified Uranium Cannon

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

One Sunday, a priest, knowing that God would see him were he out on the golf course, stayed home instead and played Tiger Woods Pro Golf 2004 on his PC. But since God is omnipresent, God saw him anyway and came to him and said, "Father! What are you doing playing golf on a Sunday? You know I could send you to Hell for that!" The priest stammered, "Golf? This isn't really golf... it's only a computer game!"
God's reply? "All right then, I'll send you to VIRTUAL hell - from now on, you can only play Everquest!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

ran into this on a bumper sticker: 'i've got a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.'

[ October 29, 2003, 03:15: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]