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You know it takes 2 to have a fight! (flame) and I agree there is NO place for it here this is one of the better areas for people to gather info and that sort of actions are not needed here!
thats my $0.02! |
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Plus it'd be hard for you to delete Posts in this thread. Only Moderators can do that. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif |
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OOPS, Sorry to upset you mlmbd.
I was just bored with posting links and jokes and decided to do some put down humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif Remember, it takes two to flame http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif |
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Marriage Advice From Kids
(As answered by elementary school students) ------------------------------- How Do You Decide Who To Marry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10 ------------------------------------- What is the Right Age To Get Married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 -------------------------------------------------- How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 ---------------------------------------------------- What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 -------------------------------- What Do Most People Do On A Date? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 ----------------------------------------------------------- What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9 ---------------------------------- When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 ------------------------------------- Is It Better To Be Single or Married? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 -------------------------------------------------------------- How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 ----------------------------------- How Would You Make a Marriage Work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10 |
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These kids are smarter than most adults! Some of these kids have already learned to be cynical and realistic at the same time! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
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Little kids' answers are so great!
Cynical and realistic, wait isn't that the same thing? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif |
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I argue like that with myself all the time! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif <font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font |
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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male's side. These are our rules!
Please note. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down. 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a Calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that Last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.) 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping. |
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You do not want to know how much greif my Xs refusal to tell me what she wanted cost me.
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hear, hear!
amen to all of that! [ May 05, 2003, 13:26: Message edited by: Gwaihir ] |
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Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "I did," says the other guy, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shoot! THAT'S the word!" |
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The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate. Remember: Money talks...But Chocolate sings. |
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"Remember: Money talks...But Chocolate sings."
Warning! Chocolate can occasionally trigger the "But this will make me look FAT!" response. Or even the dreaded "Do you think I'm fat?" (note there is no proper response to that) |
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Q: do you think i'm fat?
A: have some chocolate. hrm, on second thought, maybe not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif |
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Why parents go gray...
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes," "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" Asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper," Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME." |
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speaking of gray hair...
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?" |
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So shouldn't the question be, how does one get some sort of high standing? |
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Example: Dating someone 10 years younger than you. >>>>>>>Not Good: 17 year old with a 7 year old. >>>>>>>Normal: 80 year old with a 70 year old. So, it all depends on age. |
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URBAN LEGEND?
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it" "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the Last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent, the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known. [ May 12, 2003, 16:51: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
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TEXAS CHILI
If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you. NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the Last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 --My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the Last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mildn'or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili. |
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Sounds like what happens everytime I have Thai food! Thai dishes are really spicy!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif I have never been able to finish a Thai dinner because it's just too painful to continue after a while.
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I know what you mean Kamog. I had an Indian curry like that...burned me on both ends, if you know what I mean! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif
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Brings a new meaning to "Ring of Fire"
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I can remember feeling like I was farting razor blades!
I wanted ice cream, any flavor, but not to eat! |
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For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. 8. ... no way am I gonna post #8 .... 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old. 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. PLastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade....true story: The day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh*t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. |
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Mixed funny and not.
Laughed alot and sometimes not. (Have a 6 year and a 2 year old) |
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My mother wants a word with you.
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Laughed, eyes teared-up, fell out of chair.
Congratulations, you have just played accessory to convincing my coworkers that I am mad. This is not altogether a bad thing. I have found that when your boss thinks you are crazy he or she will only bother you after carefully considering the alternatives. Internal dialog, Boss: Looks like Jon Doe didn't get that memo about the cover sheets on the TPS reports. I guess I'll have to go have a talk with him. Wait a minute, Jon is the guy who talks to himself and laughs alone.... well, I'm sure he'll find out about the cover sheets sometime and it's not really important enough to interrupt his work... *Boss goes and harasses someone else about the coversheets on their TPS reports* |
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Man I had to wipe me eyes on that one! ROFLMAO! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
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Wardad, excellent post. However, i'm relatively new to parenthood (small boy, 5 months old) and these stories start to slightly worry me http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
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Priceless, Wardad. LOL. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
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Subject: CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for Last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the ! whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." |
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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. |
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LOL. Where is this magical river? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
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Some Folks here seem a bit sensitive about age:
How many do you remember? Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. Real ice boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom. 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! |
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My count is seven. Numbers 3, 8, 14, 16, 17, 18 and 19. But we may have had them here long after they were phased out in the US. And other stuff on the list may never have existed outside the US, so I guess it evens out.
Accoding to the SEIV code, I'm A+, if it helps any. |
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ONE WISH...
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man." The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that freakin' map again." |
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the Last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. |
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this had become a joke thread now? either way, i enjoyed the jokes people, thanks for the morning's laugh http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
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Well, this thread is supposed to be about relationships and living. So I throw in those type of jokes.
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ok sorry, but the jokes are realy good http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
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"Yes. In this state, anyway." |
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A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. And Finally A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he Deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own so does she. |
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Didn't want to gunk the other thread.
This is the correct quote: Quote:
Then again, maybe that is what you meant. |
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we still have a metal ice-tray.
what do people use now? |
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Reasons the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) There's no time like the present to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? If the plural of foot is feet, why isn't the plural of boot, beet? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop? |
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Wait, Wardad, you forgot some...
Comb, tomb, and bomb do not rhyme. Womb and doom do. 'ghoti' is pronounced 'fish' ('gh' from 'enough', 'o' from 'women', 'ti' from 'tion'). [EDIT - dang, two were already in there.] [ August 04, 2003, 23:56: Message edited by: General Woundwort ] |
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I will never forget the day:
Third grade in New Jersey I contradicted the teacher. I told her that dauwg does not rhyme with fog. I got sent to the princibles office for being ... [ August 04, 2003, 21:51: Message edited by: Gryphin ] |
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