Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

George Carlin Strikes Again...

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 out of5 enjoys it?

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I am way out my league nice job Jack Smith,Imperator Fyron I guess I forgot how many people on the forums know how to read [just kidding] http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif anyway here's one.What row of numbers come next? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif

1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">This one's been mentioned before:
1113213211
31131211131221
13211311123113112211

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

The better question now is WHY http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[ August 19, 2003, 22:54: Message edited by: Suicide Junkie ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I don't know why it was posted before, but if you want a few more rows:
11131221133112132113212221
3113112221232112111312211312113211
1321132132111213122112311311222113111221131221

[ August 19, 2003, 23:07: Message edited by: Jack Simth ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

it has occured to me that the riddle could be taken the wrong way and so it has been removed.

bilbo didn't really guess the time one, he just shouted "time" in a panic to get more.

[ August 25, 2003, 09:53: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Why does earth and the other planets spin around their axis?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Because any planet's axis is defined as the line around which that planet spins.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

ok, why do planets spin ? ( ie around that which is defined as the planets axis)

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Because it is very unlikely that all the particles comprising the planet had velocities that would cancel each other out to zero when they came together.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

or, so we would have day and night.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">But to have such a fast spin as most planets have most particles would hav eto have the same general direction, or? (Why do stars spin in the galaxy? I know what keeps them from flying away but why do they spin?)

(It doesn't seem to be any answer, most belive it's from the big bang but it seems there are no good theory as to why things spins (planets arund their axis, all stars in the same direction around the galaxy, etc))

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Actually the particles, orbiting a larger mass, would be traveling at different speeds based on how far away they were from the mass they were orbiting. As they clump up, they must travel at different speeds, and angles to each other. Then, once they are starting to form a body, there will be many bodies clumping together, pounding and knocking each other around. Since the bodies do not intersect through their collative centers of mass the impact would necessarily impart spin.

As for galaxies, they must spin or all matter in the galaxy would fall into the center. The orbital motion is all that keeps them apart from each other.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Take an overall cloud of particles that may form a planet.
That cloud has some angular momentum. For material orbiting a star, the stuff closer in will be moving faster relative to the stuff farther away. (Since it is orbiting the star)

As the planet forms, the huge starting volume compresses down to a relatively puny ball of rock/ice/gas giant.

Since angular momentum is conserved, and the body is now smaller, the planet will be spinning quite fast.
Think diving or figure skating or merry-go-rounds. When you move the mass towards the center the spin rate increases, conserving angular momentum.
Imagine a merry-go round with a radius of a few million kilometers, collecting 6x10²⁴kg of rock and drawing it down into a ball only 6378 km in radius.

Even a small net spin will be magnified by a huge amount as the body collapses.
Bits spinning too fast may get thrown off, and slow bits will sap energy from the medium and fast bits.

[ August 21, 2003, 16:58: Message edited by: Suicide Junkie ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The answer is if they didn't, they wouldn't. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

That seems simplistic and counter intuitive, but to understand it you have to look at it backwards. If there were things in the solar system that didn't revolve around the sun in a particular way then over time they would fall into the sun or another planet, or be flung off out from the system entirely. Early on there were very likely many objects of varying size that were going all about in a chaotic manner. Over time all those were eliminated and what we are left with is only those things that follow a few stable orbits. Plus some small debris of course. The galaxy is the same principle as the solar system on a larger scale. It's not that something is making them revolve a certain way, it's that over time things that don't revolve a certain way get eliminated.

As far as why planets spin on their axis, I believe most of that comes not from the impact of the debris forming the planet, but from conservation of momentum of orbiting bodies. A body orbiting another will pick up a spin from this process. It's compicated orbital mechanic stuff that I don't fully understand, but I think that is the jist of it.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Jupiter is likely responsible for cleaning up a lot of the garbage floating around in the system.
Things passing in front of the planet get their orbital momentum sapped and fall inwards, while things passing behind the planet (like the voyager probes) get whipped out of the system.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I believe, Junkie, that you are right and I am not.

Impacts from lower orbits would be traveling at higher speeds, relative to the forming body, causing it to spin against it's orbit. Impacts from higher orbits would actually strike the leading face of the forming body, as the forming body has a faster orbit, again causing it to spin against its orbit. These examples assume all orbit are circular, but I'm thinking it will all average out that way, anyway.

If, however, the forming body is a cloud of sorts, it ought to be tide-locked to the star. In this case one face of the cloud will always be presented to the star, and thus the cloud will be spinning with its orbit. As the cloud collapses it will spin fast, with its orbit.

We'll just leave Venus and Uranus out of this, and say that all reasonable planets spin with their orbits. It's got to be the cloud thing.

[ August 21, 2003, 17:44: Message edited by: Loser ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Sigh, I want the jokes and riddles back....

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Bring them. I like them. You seem to bring more than anyone else, although I could have been mistaken, and they were always funny.

[ August 21, 2003, 18:40: Message edited by: Loser ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Aw, but orbital mechanics is fun! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

What do you get when you cross ping pong with The Matrix?
http://www.ntv.co.jp/channel/asx/hkzkt10.asx

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

That was good!

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

hey, i know the meaning of life!
anybody wanna know it?

* note: beware. it is really late at night for me. you have been warned.

the answer to my riddle is air.

[ August 23, 2003, 00:47: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

As Bill Cosby would say....

Any PhysED major can tell you why there is air...
There is Air to blow up volly balls, there is air to blow up basket balls, there is air to blow up footballs...

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Are You Smarter Than Miss America? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

http://www.brunching.com/pageantquiz.html

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Well I missed 3.

How I was supposed to know that Mary Tyler Moore was diabetic I don't really know. I guessed Betty White. Stupid question.

The president question I misread as ex-Presidents so I didn't count GHWB. Although their answer of 6 is wrong as well. Did this quiz come out before Nixon died or something? Bush II, Clinton, Bush I, Reagan, Ford. That should be 5 no?

And I am ashamed to admit I missed Thurgood Marshall. Shocking display of ignorance on my part. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Geoschmo

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

well, i know as much about that as one of them. 4.
of course, i'm canadian.
on the other hand, i'd probably do just as bad on canadian stuff.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

DOH! Jimmy Carter. Of course.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I missed the MTM one, I thought she, specifically, had MS or Parkinson's or something... wait... that was Annette Funicello.

And I cheated on the president one. I asked the user who had me on the phone, at the time, if Gerald Ford was still alive.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

What Flavor Lip Gloss are you?

http://www.whirled-peas.org/naivete/.../lipgloss.html

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Internet Addiction Test:

http://www.fuali.com/default.aspx?id=102

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Carter?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Yep. Carter. You may like to forget about him, old man, but we just won't let you.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

21%.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I got 30%.

I was surprised by the question about "All your base are belong to us". Yeah, I can complete the sentence because I saw it in the name change thread. But I thought that it was something Tesco created; I had no idea it was so widespread. I still don't know how this phrase originated or what it means!

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I am 43% Internet Addict
http://www.fuali.com/pix/102/2.gif
I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and Online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

Wow... that worked.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It means "All your base are belong to us"! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Seriously though, it's from a Sega Genesis game called "Zero Wing", and I guess it means something like "We have taken over all of your bases". The whole dialogue goes something like this:

Officer: Sir! We receive message!
Captain: Main screen on!
CATS (the mysterious evil cyborg guy; no idea where his name comes from): Good morning gentlemen. How are you today. All your base are belong to us.
Captain: What you say!
CATS: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Officer: They have set us up the bomb!
Captain: Take off every "zig"
Officer: Launch "zig"
Captain: For great justice!

And then the game starts and you fly one of the "zig" (MiiiiiiG's iiiiin Spaaaaace? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif ) fighters and blow evil stuff up http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

... I'm only 33% WHAT?!? (beats someone random up with two optical mice tied together as nunchukus http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif )

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

39%, in case anyone cared.

Managed to score 100% in one try after doing it for real as above http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
Is that good or bad?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Leave the mice alone!
i decided to see what it would say if i did 100%. i thought it would be funnier.

[ August 27, 2003, 08:13: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Must correct insignificant inacruacies!
Sorry, can't help myself

In A.D. 2101
War was beginning.
Captain: What happen ?
Mechanic: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Operator: We get signal.
Captain: What !
Operator: Main screen turn on.
Captain: It's You !!
Cats: How are you gentlemen !!
Cats: All your base are belong to us.
Cats: You are on the way to destruction.
Captain: What you say !!
Cats: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Cats: HA HA HA HA ....
Captain: Take off every 'zig' !!
Captain: You know what you doing.
Captain: Move 'zig'.
Captain: For great justice.

http://www.planettribes.com/allyourbase/zerowing.gif

HISTORY AND TIMELINE

That will be all for now.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

It appears to have lost something in the translation. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

We have got to make a speech file out of this. Can't you imagine it? The AI declares war and instead of "You have pushed us into a corner...blah blah blah" You get "All your base are belong to us!" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Abbot explains computers to Costello:

ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to manage my money.

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know-accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Why do you keep asking me to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind. >click<

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

--- Author Unknown ---

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

LOL. Thanks, now I understand... sort of. All that stuff about "All your base are belong to us" is really funny! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

LOL. i wonder if anybody's got 'who's on first?'

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I didn't, but it was easy enough to find:
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Here's that portion.

And here's the whole show they built around that routine for radio.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

MIND GAME


This is strange. Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.

* There's no trick or surprise.

* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).
























Think of a number from 1 to 10
































Multiply that number by 9







































If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together







































Now subtract 5












































Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)











































Think of a country that starts with that letter






































Remember the Last letter of the name of that country
















































Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter












































Remember the Last letter in the name of that animal












































Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter










































Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?





I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to others. Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

yay, im in the 2%...

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Apparently, I'm in the 2% too. I thought of "koala bear" instead of kangaroo.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Actually, there is something of a trick: the first section will ALWAYS yield a 4, and hence a D: <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">So we have either 9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81, or 90 (assuming a counting number is selected, anyway) <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">9 is a one digit, leave it alone; 1 + 8 = 9; 2 + 7 = 9; 3 + 6 = 9; 4 + 5 = 9; 5 + 4 = 9; 6 + 3 = 9; 7 + 2 = 9; 8 + 1 = 9; 9 + 0 = 9; 9 is the ONLY option at this point. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">9 - 5 = 4; again, it will always be a 4 here. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">a,b,c,d
D will always be selected, if a person't math is honest, they know their abc's, and they pick an integer in the initial range. Past that point, it is a matter of familiarity. Shakespeare made Denmark well known, the kangaroo is the first animal people usually think of if asked for an animal begining with 'K' as it goes in almost all of the ABC's books, and is just an odd word. Orange is a common choice for the same reason.

It's only freaky until you start analizing it. After that, it makes perfect sense that ~ 98% of the population will go with the predicted selections.