Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

"Abbott and Costello, now they were partners, right? And Abbott was the straight man?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Well what I want to know, is if two men are partners, why the hell would one of them be STRAIGHT!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

well, i read the bottom first and some reason camal got stuck in my head instead of kangaroo.

can anyone think of a fruit that starts with L?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Lime.

I'm curious though, what country did you name that starts with a D and ends with a c?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Lemon starts with L too.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Was it Dominican Republic?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

no, i mutated denmark. consiously. i'm really tired today.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Does any one have a link to the 200 + ways to tell if your addicted to SEIV?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It was easy enough to find: link

Interestingly, I also found an earlier Version: link

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Got this from the latest copy of the Dilbert Newsletter:

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Thought for the Day

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates.....
it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today,
might burn your butt tomorrow."

---------------------------------------

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
She says, Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

"Life.. is like a box of chocolates. A cheap thoughtless gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back in another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those all you've got left is a.. is an empty box.. filled with useless, brown paper wrappers."
-The Cigarette-Smoking Man

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I have another one of those MIND GAME from Wardad I was going to use mine is

pick a number 1-10



then multiply by 2

then add 8

then divide by 2

now subtract from the number you first picked[1-10]

now make it to a letter like 1-a 2-b 3-c ect.

think of a country that starts with that letter

now move to the next letter

think of a animal that starts with that letter

one Last thang think of the color of the animal

Why thats silly there are no GREY ELEPHANTS in DENMARK! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

hopeful I did it right just as Wardad said it's FREAKY! I was going post this a week ago but didn't but I never heard Wardad's Version nice http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif . by the way I was the 98% because I knew what was coming

Sign the SPACE WEASEL \\//_ Live Long and Prosper Wardad http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Ewwww, that gives a whole new meaning to "Who's on first. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

pulled from News of the Weird <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Yep, I'm guessing those two occupations will keep you light on your toes.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hello, fellow DNRC member! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hello, fellow DNRC member! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You too? Did you ever put in for a title, or request support for the presidency?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Heheh, we're all members of the ruling class. All hail Dogbert!

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

hitler was an atheist.

it's amazing how quickly some little socail theories can be blown out of the water.

oh, yes. he shot himself.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Nah, hitler was a Christian. He was a member of Skull & Bones, the occult group that George W. Bush is a member of.

It's amazing how quickly some little dogmatic theories can be blown out of the water.

And so on.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Neither of these would surprise or trouble me, but do you have documentation?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

napolean and the french revolution were both definitivly athiest.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">ROFL!!! Uh, you really need to check your history a bit. First of all, "Skull and Bones" is an organization that you have to have gone to Yale University to join. Basically it's nothing but a fraternity/alumni association/lodge. It's a boys club where they get to dress up and drink and stupid stuff. They also do a little networking. If you're a S&B man you have an inside track on that job you want if the boss is an S&B man too. Somehow it picked up all sorts of nefarious rumors while George W. was president. Unless Hitler found time to go to Yale University at some point he was definetly not a member of S&B.

Hitler was a member of something called the Thule Soceity. Apparently that is where the confusion comes from because some people have tried really hard to make a connection between the Thule Soceity and Skull and Bones. There is none, unless you count the Trilateral Commision of course. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif

[ September 02, 2003, 13:25: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Microsoft vs. GM
================

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Diest, Athiest, six of one or half dozen of the other. i'm just saying that true believers in christ, at least, with no reference to other religion's, try to love other people. hitler's and napoleon's actions cannot be reconciled with love and neither can the french revolution. since Europe had an oficial religeon with very little else in the way of religeon practiced at that time except the new one of science, napoleon and the french revolution where athiest. it's a person's actions that speak the loudest.

granted, there where other religeon's around when hitler was, but megalomaniacs are generally there own religeon. and on a happy coincidence, that goes for napoleon, to.

[ September 02, 2003, 19:01: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif So true, so true http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Did somebody say "the Spanish inquasition"?

If "non-belivers" aren't seen as people, you can be "loving to people" yet commit terrible acts against others.
There are numerous examples of christians commiting terrible acts, some in the name of religion.
Being cristhian doesn't mean you are a "saint".
You are just as human as the rest of humanity.

(Edit, shouldn't this discussion be moved to another thread, or maybe we can just dig up some old thread on the issue and re-use it http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif )

[ September 02, 2003, 21:08: Message edited by: Ruatha ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

the parable of the good samaritan rules out the inquisistion. at least, if you know what a samaritan is.

short Version, for those who don't know what i'm talking about, this parable was told by Jesus. this is a rendition of it.: man lying on the side of the road, robbed and left for dead. man's a jew. jewish priest walks by, goes to the other side of the road. jewish levite walks by, goes to the other side of the road. a samaritan walks by, binds the jews wounds, puts him on his donkey, when he reaches the city at the end of the road, he puts him in an inn and tells the innkeeper to charge the man's stay to his bill when he comes around next time.

the parable is supposed to show who a neighbor is, that is, everyone. the samaritan's where viewed as lower than the gentile's by the jews at the time, from what i know. and the samaritan's didn't like the jews, either. a levite is a member of the jewish tribe of levi and a heriditary priest.

no, christian's aren't any better than anyone else. nobody is better than anybody else except god, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. but a christian is supposed to strive to be a better person.

[ September 02, 2003, 21:29: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

EVIL GENIUS TEST http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

http://www.fuali.com/default.aspx?id=111

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I am 35% Evil Genius
Deleted, because i didn't like the movie.
and 32% computer geek.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com

[ September 02, 2003, 21:58: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I thought he was just irreverent.

Actually, they didn't really have atheists back then, per say. He may have been a ... umm... ah, here it is, a "Deist":

Quote:

The belief, based solely on reason, in a God who created the universe and then abandoned it, assuming no control over life, exerting no influence on natural phenomena, and giving no supernatural revelation.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">
Anyway, if this is not the case, documentation?

[ September 02, 2003, 12:51: Message edited by: Loser ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

For those wishing to show their support!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

http://www.arnold-2003.com/

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

"Questions"

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

3. There are two pLastic jugs filled with water.
How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

READY FOR THE ANSWERS? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

1. Take the Lions. If they haven't eaten in three years they are dead.

2. She shoots him with a camera. The water and hanging are part of deloping teh negatives.

3. Edit: Oops, misread that one Is the answer freeze the water in one of the jugs?

4. Charcoal

5. Yesterday, Today, tomorrow

6. Hmmmm. Haven't figured it out yet.

[ September 03, 2003, 18:20: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

1. The lions that havn'et been fed for three years are dead. This is a fairly safe room, just watch out for dieseses.

2. The woman is a photographer, and developes her own film.

3. I feel like I'm clsoe on this one...

4. Not getting anywhere.

5. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

6. No e's

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

That would be using the jugs.

You need to freeze the water before putting it in the barrel.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Good one on the Charcoal.

I have it on the jugs. Freeze the water from the first jug, then pour the second on in there.

[edit: dangit. Beat out again.]

[ September 03, 2003, 18:25: Message edited by: Loser ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

1. didn't get it.

2. i came up with a more elabrate one. she shot him with a needle, held him underwater with a snorkle and then hung him by his feet. on a side note, a picture isn't the person. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

3. was thinking dye, but that wouldn't Last long.

4. didn't get it.

5. yesterday, today, and tommorow.

6. didn't get it.

but i did just wake up. an hour ago. hardly time to really wake up.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Riddle Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm...Barbecue."

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

READ THE OFFICIAL POOP REPORT STORIES:

http://www.poopreport.com/Stories/index.html

Your #1 Source for Your #2 Business.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif

[ September 03, 2003, 19:53: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

The copper wus leggin' it afta this geeza darrn the chainy when iz torch fell n e bugg'd darrn the ol' apples n pears e nearly brarn-trou'd imself', und e stretch the swannie t see is ol' dear stand'n dare in the buff.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">near as i can tell, a cop was chasing somebodey and climbing a chain-link fence when he dropped his flashlight. during which, he or somebody else, lost his pants.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No Thanks!

[ September 04, 2003, 08:10: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">If the barrel in question was that of a double-barrelled weapon, you could pour one jug of water down each http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Xmas Eve, Xmas Day, Boxing day.

Oh, and Narf, you're not even close, I recommend a correspondence course at the Dick Van Dyke school of painfully bad cockney.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Can you say the "B" word... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

9 things to hate about everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the Last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butt!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb--s?

[ September 04, 2003, 22:43: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

a few points to cool your temper.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">yes, i know you probably got this off a website. but if these things bother you, you really need to relax and listen to what people are really saying. because, for some reason, humans don't always say what they mean, even when there communicating what they mean.

the mouse is analytical tonight.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh yeah? Watch me....

*Dogscoff rapidly devours a large gateaux in the cookie-monster style.

Urp!

See?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

[quote]Originally posted by Loser:

Quote:

That said, look here. You know you want to. You can get things like the following.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh man! That is so cool.

Here's a few more we might, or might not recognize. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">can anyone venture half a guess as to what this might have been?

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">this survives rather well. 3 times.

[ September 05, 2003, 19:40: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Angry man ranting about things that don't really matter is funny. I know some people don't like this style, but George Carlin, Dennis Miller, Hunter S. Thompson, Dennis Leary, and even Jerry Seinfield make quite a bit of money off making people laugh at this stuff.

That said, look here. You know you want to. You can get things like the following. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Maria had a small lamb, small lamb, marcature small, Maria had a small lamb that that trapunte this began that the snow was the woman of the objective of the woman.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Here's a list of the new features in WinXP that's probably more accurate than the standard one:
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And this one, which started out as "Do you, John, take this woman, Mary, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward?":

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The progression there was especially amusing. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ September 06, 2003, 03:18: Message edited by: Krsqk ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">can anyone venture half a guess as to what this might have been?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Everything outside is broken! He cut up everything, including the ball of wax, and didn't pay for it. I'll extract the price of my troUsers from him, using whatever means necessary.