Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

nope. there's very little in there that bear's a resemblence to what it was.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Um, how about this?

"The function of the One is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which you will be required to select from the matrix 23 individuals, 16 female, 7 male, to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the matrix, which coupled with the extermination of Zion will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race."

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

something from the matrix. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

The Matrix is simply a rock without mass, water without liquid, Light without brightness,... etc, etc, etc..

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Strange things happen when you translate the following line. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">A friend sent this, and it's final product to me with the question "where did the rectum come from?".

Looks like "reminder" ~ "callback" = "recto un servicio repetido" = "rectum a service repeated"...

Those crazy Spanish.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I tried to get some help with "All your base are belong to us."

---
Its superficial lower whole number is belongs to us.

---
The superficial relative under complete to the east of the number belongs more to us.

---
The surface was used underneath soft on the other hand in the east that the number inside belongs they more.

--- Now Include Chinese, Japanese, and Korean ---
Its superficial lower whole number, is he inner he we, he is connected.

amusing

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

And now for something completely different...

It's a little known fact that after destroying the evil Galactic Empire, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia went on to run a flea circus.

So one evening Luke was training the fleas and he said to Leia, "Hey Leia, come over here... the fleas won't jump."

Leia came over and looked at the fleas, poked them with her finger, said, "Yep, they won't jump, Luke."

Luke said to Leia, "Well we can't go and run a flea circus if the fleas won't jump! You've got to have some idea WHY!"

So Leia sang a song, and that explained to Luke why the fleas wouldn't jump.

WHAT SONG DID LEIA SING?

(Hint: It's a pun on a song from "Guys & Dolls" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif )

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

If the fleas don't jump, Luke can always cheat by using the Force to move them around.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a
night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and
put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to
leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into
the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't
want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi
driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say
goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"
he says, as they drive away. "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her
in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat
*** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car...

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

that's one reason to tell the truth... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

* You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

* Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

* No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

* You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

* there's a giant rubber band stretching the length of the compartment. DON'T ask.

* there's another giant rubber band stretching the length of the rundway. DEFINATLY DON'T ask.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I enjoyed the airline joke David.
----------

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV &Radio...

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed Last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:
"Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me Last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics -
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio -
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977-
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator -
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator -
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Oh my!

Are all of those uncontrived?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles Last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church Last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles Last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

LOL

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

For when you're bored.

This will driving you crazy.

Use your mouse to control the fly swatter...

http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

400, only missed 2 the first time. then i quit, cause i've got other things to do. but it does get challenging around 400. it's just boring to get there.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as the subset of set M and answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.....

[ September 11, 2003, 19:37: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

A professor is doing an experiment on a frog. He cuts off a leg and says, "Jump frog jump!" The frog jumps. The professor takes note of this and cuts off another leg. Again he says, "Jump frog jump!" With difficulty the frog jumps. Writing this down he cuts off another leg and says, "Jump frog jump!" Somehow the frog manages to jump. The professor then cuts off the Last leg and says, "Jump frog jump!"

The frog doesn't jump. Again the professor says, "Jump frog jump!" Still the frog doesn't jump. He came to the conclusion that a frog with no legs is deaf.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

are you sure that Last one won't be in japanese? from what i've heard, there really efficient about logging.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

heh. kinda like some of the ways they determine just how bad something is for you 'ok, now hold the dogs head while i spray six months worth of hairspray in his eyes' or so i've heard.

[ September 11, 2003, 19:58: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">They are very pure wood efficient on logging; they use thinner saw blades so that less of the wood becomes sawdust. In the US, much of the sawdust is captured and used for particle board and other things, so US logging companies are more concerned with the durability of their equipment as they still get use out of most of the 'wasted' wood. Many of those in Japan want pure wood for religious reasons, and the logging companies cater to that; they use thin, more readily breakable blades to reduce the amount of sawdust (of which they can sell very litte). Efficiency is always in reference to something specific, and that something must be previously understood by all parties in order for there to be a consensus on what is the most efficient. It is common for a single item to have vastly different efficiencies when viewed from different perspectives.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

well, that doesn't sound so effecient.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

but they do Elvis more efficently then anyone.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Have you ever stopped to read instruction labels on products?
Here are some things you can find on instruction labels.

ON A HAIR DRYER
Do not use while sleeping

ON A BAG OF FRITOS
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP
Dierecions: use like regular soap

ON A FROZEN DINNER
serving suggestion: defrost

ON A HOTEL_PROVIDED SHOWER CAP
fits one head

ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)

ON MARKS&SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
do not iron clothes on body http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

ON BOOT"S CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
do not drive cars or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (a brand of sleeping tablet)
Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif

ON A STRING OF CHINESE_MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
for indoor or outdoor use only http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY"S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Tesco's got a dessert?

i can see the hair dryer one. somebody probably left it on pointing at them then went to sleep.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

This is for all those people who keep complaining about "proper language".

How To Rite Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ''I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I only got to 335 or so before I accidentally clicked a browser button and reset the page http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

I'm up to 1124, and I can walk away from the computer and come back ans swap them.

Is there a way to lose this game?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">isn't that an overstatement? or perhaps an oversimplification? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

23: Oversimplification is bad.
24: Always, always, always avoid overstatement.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Now they're really big and really slow....

I don't think I can lose.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

i just poured the cheese in the boiling craft dinner. i feel really stupid.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You mean before you drained the water? Well, that's not too bad, just serve KD soup instead. (You'll actually get more servings out of it.) and people will think it's unique and exotic. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Microsoft acquires Electrolux, makes numerous design revisions.
Finally releases a product that doesn't suck.
------------------

A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, " 'Bout what? "
------------------

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four Languages, and it didn't do him any good."
-------------

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God"
------------

Oldie but goodie:

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got internet access to Intel Forums!"

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Maybe you can consider the real challenge as how many you can get in a single swat!

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Nah, for a challenge I'll go bounce a tire. If you get your score above 500, you get a special message when you finally lose.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Well, I'm up to sixteen hundred and it won't put any more than eight on the screen. So the most I can swat at one time is eight, so far.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Those are great jokes, Wardad. I especially like the instruction labels ones. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I overcooked MAC$CHEESE once.
I was listening to my son lie to questions about his day at school. The school had called earlier and told me he had skipped 3 days.
So I served the overcooked MAC&Cheese slop.
When he complained, I told him I am better cook than he is a student. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After
15 minutes speaking he says, 'I will now answer any questions you have.'

Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes off and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning,
Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any
questions you have.'

A little girl named Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Tesco - that's funny now.
Maybe it will not be funny ten years from now.
Did you ever read: "It Can't Happen Here" by Sinclair Lewis?

edit: spelings and dilsecex tyeping.

[ September 15, 2003, 16:23: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

> The Male Stages Of Life
>
> AGE DRINK
>
> 17 beer
> 25 vodka
> 35 scotch
> 48 double scotch
> 66 Maalox
>
> SEDUCTION LINE
>
> 17 My parents are away for the weekend.
> 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
> 35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
> 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
> 66 My second wife is dead.
>
> FAVORITE SPORT
>
> 17 sex
> 25 sex
> 35 sex
> 48 sex
> 66 napping
>
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
>
> 17 "tongue"
> 25 "breakfast"
> 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
> 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
> 66 "Got home alive."
>
> FAVORITE FANTASY
>
> 17 getting to third
> 25 airplane sex
> 35 menage a trois
> 48 taking the company public
> 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
>
> HOUSE PET
>
> 17 roaches
> 25 stoned-out college roommate
> 35 German Shepherd
> 48 children from his first marriage
> 66 Barbi
>
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
> 17 25
> 25 35
> 35 48
> 48 66
> 66 17
>
> The Female Stages Of Life
>
> AGE DRINK
>
> 17 Wine Coolers
> 25 White wine
> 35 Red wine
> 48 Dom Perignon
> 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
>
> EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
>
> 17 Need to wash my hair
> 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
> 35 Need to colour my hair
> 48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
> 66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
>
> FAVORITE SPORT
>
> 17 shopping
> 25 shopping
> 35 shopping
> 48 shopping
> 66 shopping
>
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
> 17 "Burger King"
> 25 "Free meal"
> 35 "A diamond"
> 48 "A bigger diamond"
> 66 "Home Alone"
>
> FAVORITE FANTASY
> 17 tall, dark and handsome
> 25 tall, dark and handsome with money
> 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
> 48 a man with hair
> 66 a man
>
> HOUSE PET
> 17 Muffy the cat
> 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
> 35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
> 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
> 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
>
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> 17 17
> 25 25
> 35 35
> 48 48
> 66 66
>
> IDEAL DATE
> 17 He offers to pay
> 25 He pays
> 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
> 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
> 66 He can chew breakfast
>

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY OR STRAIGHT

(Note: This joke is not in any way intended to be offensive to gay people. Or straight people, for that matter! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif )

To find out if your son is gay or straight, take him to a football game. Then on the way home, ask him how many cheerleaders there were at the game.

If he says, "I dunno, Dad, I wasn't looking at the cheerleaders," he might be gay.

On the other hand, if he says, "Eight divided by two is four... four cheearleaders, Dad, there were four," he's DEFINITELY straight!

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

The stages of life kind of get more and more depressing as you get older. Things look the best around 25-35, and then go downhill from there. Hopefully, things get better again at age 80 and 95.

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

CAPITALISM EXPLAINED

Ideal Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
They multiply and the economy expands.
You sell the herd, become rich and retire.

American Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and make the other one produce four times as much milk.
You're surprised when the cow dies.

French Capitalism
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three.

Canadian Capitalism
You have two cows.
You adopt the American model.
The cows die.
You blame Third World protectionism and adopt some protectionist measures of your own so you can own three cows like the French do.

Japanese Capitalism
You have two cows.
You redesign them to be 1/10th their original size while producing 20 times as much milk.
Then you produce an anime series called "Cowmon" which you export to the rest of the world.

British Capitalism
You have two cows.
Both of them are mad.

German Capitalism
You have two cows.
They produce milk according to a regular schedule, following previously established standards for quantity and quality, in a precise and profitable fashion.
But what you really wanted was to raise pigs.

Russian Capitalism
You have two cows.
You count them and discover you have five.
You count them again and discover you have 42.
You count them again and discover you have 12.
You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss Capitalism
You have 500 cows, but none of them are yours.
You get paid to watch over other people's cows.

Spanish Capitalism
You have two cows and you are very proud of it !

Chinese Capitalism
You have two cows and 300 people milking them.
You claim to have full employment and high productivity.
The guy who leaked the numbers to the press gets arrested.

Hindu Capitalism
You have two cows.
And people had better not touch them.

Argetinean Capitalism
You have two cows.
You try to adopt the American model.
The cows die.
You sell their meat so the IMF can have a year's-end barbecue.

Brazilian Capitalism
You have two cows.
One of them gets stolen.
The government creates a Cow Tax.
An inspector fines you because although you paid the Cow Tax, you should have calculated it accoding to the number of presumed cows, not real cows.
The SRF (Brazilian IRS), also acting on presumed numbers, estimates you own 200 cows.
You give away your remaining cow so the inspector will let you off the hook.

[ September 16, 2003, 17:15: Message edited by: Erax ]

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

Quiz Time:

What Kind Of Idiot Are You?
http://www.calgaryplanet.com/index2.html

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I like that punch line! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I like that punch line! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Did Intel Forums exist 10 years ago? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/rolleyes.gif

Re: Jokes and Riddles Centre
 

wardad no i have never read that book.