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Thtas irnesttineg!
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. |
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There was a boy and a girl in a doctors waiting room.
The girl starts crying. "whats wrong?" asks the boy "Im having a blood test so their cutting my finger" replies the girl. At this the boy starts crying. "whats the matter?" asked the girl. "im having a urine test" replies the boy. |
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BBegemott, go to the 'spelling is out' thread. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for him. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif |
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speaking as one who stopped watching baywatch because i couldn't find any brains...
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Two geeks walk into a bar and sit down...
One geek says to the other, "You know, I had the strangest dream Last night. I dreamed that Windows XP had a secret lockout feature that keeps anyone who uses it from sleeping with more than 32 women!" The other geek turns to him ans says, "That's completely ridiculous - everyone knows that the mere act of touching a computer prevents you from sleeping with more than 0 women!" (yes, this joke is inspired by an actual dream I had Last night! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif ) |
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Wedding Bliss
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Wally's life of celibacy. |
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the difference between...
the difference between a romulon and a klingon: a klingon will only stab you in the front. the difference between a romulon and a cardasian: the romulon won't enjoy stabbing you. well, not as much. the difference between a cardasian and the dominion: the dominion'll just stab you. the difference between the dominion and a ferengi: the dominion won't use lawyer's. the difference between a romulon and a vulcan: well, logically speaking...*raises an eyebrow* |
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the difference between a Klingon and a Bajoran: a Klingon will challenge you a Bat'leth fight to the death; a Bajoran will stab you in the back.
the difference between a Klingon and a Borg: negotiation is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. the difference between a Klingon and a Vorlon: The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote. |
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since when did the bajoran's stab people in the back?
they blow you up with planted bomb's, you filthy oppreser. |
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yes, the romulan's did do a transition from honerable to dishonerable and the klingon's did the reverse, now that you mention it. not to mention 'what happened to your face, man?' to qoute somebody on the forum's.
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A teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer were driving home together from a fishing trip when the vehicle blows a tire and flips over killing all three.
As they all stood in line waiting to be checked for admittance into heaven, the three started discussing how the world would remember them and what they hoped people would say about them at their wake. The teacher said "I want people to say how I was a fine educator and how some of my students grew into prominent positions of stature." The doctor said "I want people to say how I was a skilled surgeon and saved many lives and enhanced many others." The lawyer said " I want people to say 'Look, he's moving!!!" |
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Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all that:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks. 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block: * synergy * strategic fit * core competencies * best practice * bottom line * revisit * expeditious * 24/7 * out of the loop * benchmark * value-added * proactive * win-win * think outside the box * fast track * result-driven * empower (or empowerment) * knowledge base * at the end of the day * touch base * mindset * client focus(ed) * paradigm * metrics * economies of scale * game plan * leverage 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases. 4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL***T!" Testimonials from satisfied "Bull***t Bingo" players: "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."- Adam W., Atlanta "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- David T., Florida "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."- Dan J., New York City "The atmosphere was tense in the Last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL***T!' for the third time in two hours."- Carl G., Ca. So try it! Besides your job, what have you got to lose?! |
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Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Ottawa parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the Prime Minister for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Bon Jour. Jean Chretien, How might I help you?" And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at your favourite Parish. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Wouldye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" The Prime Minister, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of Last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin." |
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Noah in Canada
A little updated Bible story, if Noah lived today... The Lord came to Noah in Canada in the year 2003. Earth was wicked and overpopulated. The Lord instructed Noah to build an ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. Here's the blueprint," said the Lord. "Hurry. In six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Six months later the rain came down. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard -- and no ark. "Noah," He roared, "Where's my ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and the height limitation is being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro One wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this. "Getting wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go! I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space. "Environment Canada decided that I could not build the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trade unions want me to hire only union trades people with ark building experience. To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally and with endangered species. So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years to finish this ark." Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked. "No," said the Lord, "your government already has!" submitted by email, author unknown Copyright 2003 Cantender.com |
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Brass Monkey
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But,if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey ............ |
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In the old series, it was the other way around with Romulans and Klingons : a Romulan would only stab you from the front.
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!" |
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Jokes you can tell in church:
============== Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" =============== A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!" =============== A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" =============== Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" =============== An elderly woman died Last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. =============== A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." =============== A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." =============== A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter." =============== A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." =============== At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." =============== Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad." |
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[Actual comments from sports commentators they wish they
could take back.] Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event: "This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this mor- ning during her warm up and it was amazing." Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a love- ly horse and I speak from personal experience since I moun- ted her mother." At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew." Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?" |
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf! |
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ISN'T IT NICE THAT SOMEONE CARES
Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active. Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well. Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers. Howard Dean called with a get well message. Richard Gephardt called with encouragement on recovery. Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry. |
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The perks of being 50:
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 21. You can't remember who sent you this list. Chapter 1: Games for when we are older 1. Sag, You're it. 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Doc Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10. Musical recliners. Chapter 2: Signs of menopause 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. Chapter 3: Signs we are getting old "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. |
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look horrible, fat & ugly.... pay me a compliment." He replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect." |
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LOL. Thanks for posting these jokes, Wardad. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
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Here is a special one for you Kamog:
------------------ I just received the following warning: There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else - do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. Have a good day!!!!!!!! |
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How can you tell if a shark likes you?
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WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
Passing requires only 4 correct answers!! 1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? |
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#1 was what? 116 years? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif #10 is orange? Or was it white? But where do you get the answers for the list? |
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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap.
Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and returns to reading her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies...as she thinks to herself, "isn't that obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have you charged with rape," snaps the woman. "But, I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "Yes, that's true, she replies, "but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. |
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#1 was what? 116 years? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...s/confused.gif #10 is orange? Or was it white? But where do you get the answers for the list?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">You were right, #1 is 116 years, #10 is Orange. BTW: I lost a star. Maybe my jokes were badddd... or my signature line is not PC. [ October 09, 2003, 21:37: Message edited by: Wardad ] |
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4. MayDay, I think?!? 7. George (seems strange though) 9. New Zealand Kiwi. |
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4 is definately November.
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Trichinosis virus want ad: "For Rent - SPAAAAACE IIIIIN PIIIIIGS!!!!!"
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Last time i visited the doggy isles, I could have sworn they was located in the Atlantic http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif |
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Here's another example of someone with too much time and nothing to do.
Check this out: Is This Your Phone Number? Ignore your area code & using only 7 digit phone: 1) key-in the first 3 digit of your phone number into the calculator 2) multiply by 80 3) then plus 1 4) multiply by 250 5) plus Last four digit of phone number 6) plus Last four digit of phone number again 7) minus 250 8) divide by 2 at Last Is the answer your phone number??? |
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Redneck vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The Last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." |
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710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." Click here to see the photo: http://rtccom.net/~mfjgolf/710.jpg |
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..as the mechanics laughed, another blond woman came in and looked over their shoulders.. "I don't see why you are all laughing, it was some dumb mechanic that installed it upside down in the first place."
Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif [ October 16, 2003, 17:54: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ] |
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1) x div 10000 2) (1) * 80 = (x div 10000)*80 3) (2) + 1 = ((x div 10000)*80) + 1 4) (3) * 250 = (((x div 10000)*80) + 1) * 250 = 250*((x div 10000)*80) + 250 = 250*80*(x div 10000) + 250 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 5) (4) + x mod 10000 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 + (x mod 10000) 6) (5) + x mod 10000 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 + 2*(x mod 10000) = 2*10000*(x div 10000) + 2*(x mod 10000) + 250 = 2*10000*(x/10000) + 250 = 2*x + 250 7) (6) - 250 = 2*x + 250 - 250 = 2*x 8) (7) / 2 = 2*x/2 = x It doesn't matter what number you start with.... |
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It's more like orange-haired.
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It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running". The following year the young bride gave birth gain. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running". The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running". The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black". |
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