OT: Advice....
 

Slynky's thread on love has gotten me thinking. Which may not be such a good thing http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...ies/tongue.gif

Ok, so here's the situation that I could use some advice with:
I've been going to school with this one girl for the past 12 years, since kindergarten. We're friends, not close friends, but friends. Well, she may not know it, but I really like her. I've also gotten the impression that she may (and I stress "may") like me as more than just a friend. Now we come to the advice part. Should I let her know how I feel, and risk the causing a rift in the friendship (making it "weird"), or should I just be content being her friend?? I really don't know what to do here, and have been in the same position for about the past year. Only now she's single, so there's actually a chance for me. Now, lets just say that this is one beautiful girl, with a great personality, so I'm not exactly in her league.

Like I said, advice would be appreciated. Even if its of the "shut the hell up and quit complaining to us. Oh and while you're at it, get a LIFE!" kind http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...ies/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Not much experience there, but if you don't try, you'll probably woncer 'if' for a long time. Or so say people with more experience than me.

Side note: I've still got a crush on one of my sister's friends. I got it about ten years ago...And she's married now!

Man, these things stick around for a loooong time...She gave me my first stack of comic books. We had a few others, but those were mine. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Re: OT: Advice....
 

go for it, you'll regret not finding out
but don't get dorky or whatever, don't approach situation heavy handed is what I mean
dont worry about rejection, you'll live and (hopefully) still have a friend

anyhow
like I said previously
love is crap

Re: OT: Advice....
 

OK, the first thing I'll point out is that you seldom make gains without risk, the trick is to minimize your risk! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Seriously, since you don't want to mess up your friendship then you should take things slowly. Just hang with her as a friend to see if the chemistry is really there. If it is you'll know it.

The downside to going about it that way is that she may wind up thinking friendship is all you're interested in. That can lead to some painful situations for you.

Personally, I'd go ahead and tell her. Being up-front really is the best way to go.

Sometimes people ask for advice knowing what the responses will be, they just want to hear someone else say it. You already know the right answer, you just need to follow through and do it.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

"Shut the hell up and quit complaining to us. Oh, and while you're at it, get a LIFE!" Sorry, I couldn't just repress the urge of doing it, since you expressly asked for it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Slightly more seriously: I would go with Narf's advice myself, but you shouldn't be listening to me here.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Been/Am there Renegade. It's a headache alright. Same thing happened between me and my best friend at one point (well, it was before we became best friends). I liked her, She liked me and we were both too worried or shy to say anything. Two years later we actually found out we both liked each other and laughed about it. I don't see her much these days but we decided to stay friends and stay on the "safe" track. But I am in the same situation now, a very good friend of mine and I have began to hit it off and it's exactly the same for me, all I can say is if she's as good as my friend then you're a lucky guy.

All I can say is you might have a chance, When ever i'm in this situation I get paranoid which makes me doubtfull when really there's more chance than I think. And from the ammount of threads you post like this questioning advice and such I can guess you can't have too bad a personality, sometimes nice guys don't finish Last so there's hope for us yet http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif. I'd say go with Nodachi's advice, it's what I'd do/am doing. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

And whatever you choose to do Good Luck with it, it always helps to have some nearby. And as everybody's been saying, if it doesn't work out there will be another chance with another, you won't find the right girl the first time around unless you're dam lucky! (hence the luck http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif)

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Well I can’t say that I have ever been in that spot myself but my advice is this:

If you are true friends than letting her know how you feel will not hurt the friendship. If she does not feel the same about you it will at least make her feel good to know the truth. I know that sounds strange but after 10 years with this chick of mine the one thing I have learned for certain is that they do not think like us men, if she feels the same way than you both will be happier for it.

Now here is the part where I do have experience:

I don’t believe in love at first sight. I am not saying it isn’t out there, just that I have never felt it. I have only meet two ladies I wanted to marry and one of those I did, I never felt “love at first sight” for either of them but I did feel “something” inside that told me “I would like to spend my life with her”. So what is my point you ask? My point is that after 12 years if you do not have this feeling than I would think you are actually just feeling the love of a long and dear friendship. Making a move to seek something deeper might even work for a year or more but it will probably just end in hurt. I don’t think you should ask her for something more than what you have, but you should at least respect her enough to tell her the truth so she can decide what she wants.

I hope that is not too confusing.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Once again, as others have said. Tell her. Been in similar situations too and, yep, if you don't you'll regret it for years later.

1) don't be too casul or 'slick' about it.
2) don't be too oppressive or dramtic about it.

In a nutshell, she'll respond to your confidance. If you talk to her thinking 'she's out of my league', then you're right. And she can tell (women are strange that way).

Sooner is always better than later.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

First decide whether you want to risk the friendship for the chance or not, because it could mess it up.

If so, then resist temptation to reveal feelings you already have. Ask her out as casually as you can, and don't let her know you you already _really_ like her, until it's demonstrated she _really_ likes you back. Generally she'll want to develop affection _with_ you, and not to know about any feelings you had before you were going out, as that tends to just scare girls or creep them out.

PvK

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Oh, and you could also consider than since you only have less than a year before graduation, you may not be seeing anyone you went to grade school with much after then anyway.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Isn't you half Norwegian [img]/threads/images/Graemlins/Flag_Norway.gif[/img] [img]/threads/images/Graemlins/VikingHelm.gif[/img] Renegade ?

You got to embrace your Norwegianess. Bottle up those emotions. Keep it all in. Don't show any weakness http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Seriously: Tell her. You won't regret it.
Why do you think women spend all this time in front of the mirror ?
They crave attention. Nothing they like more than to hear they are wanted. Even if you are rejected as boyfriend material there is little risk she will turn you down as a friend. Any awkwardness following a rejection will probably be of your own making. Remember; women are much better at these things than we are http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/frown.gif

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Well, no one here can advise you perfectly. We/they can only make suggestions and give life examples. But, they may not pertain to you exactly.

So, without knowing a whole lot about the two of you, I can offer this:

(1) You are young. I suspect, being hasty, perhaps, that you might be more interested in the "thrill" of a sexual contact than just remaining friends. Having said that, I'll back it up with some wisdom (that the elder around here can most assuredly attest to)...that first year or two with your love is exciting but it will fade and the both of you will need to have friendship as your "anchor". Being married (or with) your best friend is about as good as it gets. Just ask anyone who has been with a girl for a long time (married or not). WHEN you can say, my girlfriend/wife is my best friend, you will most likely be about as happy as you can be. So, considering she is already a good friend, I'd say "go for it". But, choose your words carefully...which leads to item #2.

(2) As I said before, I don't know you two. Not sure what is between you two more than just a friendship. If it were me, I'd say something like: "I've known you for a long time. You're my best friend. I'd never want to do anything to hurt that connection we have. But, I have other feelings, too, and rather than let them be neglected, I thought it was important to see if you had any additional feelings as well. You see, it's hard in this world to find people that you feel might be your soulmate and it's stupid to pass up a chance to see it "this" is the one because you are scared. So, there it is! You can always count on this...that I will be your best friend regardless of how you feel about me and my words...because I care about your happiness and friendship."

Well, it might not be the exact words you would say but it's an example. All in all, I've found truth is the best thing to pursue.

Let us know what you do and how it turns out.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Ahhh, nice to see you, Big P! Seriously! Glad you still poke around here.

So, no dragging by the hair with a big club? LOL

When's your next game going to be?

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Still browse the forums once in a while.

Not much time for playing though. I'm in Pairs and RTH2 and thats more than enough for the moment http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Tell her you would like to take her on a date. Try to have a good time. Date for a while. THEN tell her about your feelings. If you play all of your cards up front, there is nothing to build on.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

But the word, "date", means more than he might like to discuss. I mean, saying the "D" word already indicates more than a friendship. Perhaps the "D" word WITH something like I said before.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

I disagree. I feel that asking someone on a date is pretty low risk, and says everything you need in the question. He says,

"Hey, let's go out on a date."

Then, she will react. Either she wants to go or she doesn't. Unless she's clueless, she'll know he likes her. How much does he like her? Well, she'll have to go on a date to find out.

My experience has been that if I try to tell a woman how I feel, I either end up screwing it up and looking like a psycho, or sounding like an idiot. I feel that in some instances, if I had just started with something low pressure like, "I want to go out with you" then the object of my affections would have an easy time of just saying yes or no, with no hard feelings. If I sat down and composed a love poem to her, and then asked her out at the end (like I've done), they usually run away screaming.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Friends can be fun to go out on dates with.


Could be a really good time for both of you.
If it does not work out.
Well at least you were honest with yourself and your friend.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

First of all, thanks so much to all of you who have replied thus far. I can see several opposing viewpoints, and some that agree. It has all been very helpful to me.

This is a good point you make, and is a large part of why I am so hesitant to do anything about how I feel. I mean, within a year we're both going to be outta here, and probably not to the same place. So what is really the point of getting attached to someone that you'll have to say goodbye to in less than a year?? But there's the other hand too. If you're never willing to take the risk that you'll have to leave someone that you like, then when will you EVER take the chance, and tell someone how you feel?

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm only 1/4 Norwegian. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif But quite proud of my heritage!

On a more serious note, this advice seems quite logical to me, and has helped me a lot (along with all the other advice posted here)

Re: OT: Advice....
 

I would reply to this in more length, but I'm running out of time for the moment. So I'll simply say that I appreciate all the thought you've put into this reply, and thank you for the good example of what to do/say. I never would have thought of that particular approach myself!

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Sometimes the simplest approaches are the best, eh? I find myself agreeing with this approach a lot. Thanks so much for your wise words. But as mentioned above, I'm running out of time for now. Or else I'd write more http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Yes, I've seen this happen from several perspectives before (from my own effort, to hearing about it happening to someone else from the girl herself), about six times that I can think of. The very best reaction to honest disclosure of strong feelings I've seen is polite, "sorry, no", and the worst was savage, "I hate you!!! Leave me alone!!! etc. etc." Success rate 0 for 6 tries. However it seems you _can_ say they made a great impression, and that can work well. You just can't let on that you already have strong feelings, because girls tend not to understand that, and not to want it until they've been going out with the guy for a while.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

No need to reply, R-13 (I like that name...LOL). I know you are rushed for time. BUT, don't rush into anything.

I will share THIS about girls/women as I understand it.

Men/guys think more about sex...women/girls think more about feelings (etc.). I'll explain it with this example:

3 girls ring your doorbell and when you answer it, you see them in bikinis and they ask if you want to party all night. Typical answer for the single guy? "COME IN!"

BUT, 3 guys dressed in tight speedos ring the doorbell of a girls house and say the same thing...the girl is most likely to slam the door.

That's the difference between guys and girls.

So, girls will (usually) treasure feelings more than sex. So...this is not to say girls don't have sexual feelings...it's just that they usually need to feel something special for the guy. Otherwise, there'd be as many male prostitutes trying to satisfy the "female need" for sex...LOL.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Um, I think your statement needs a little more clarification Slynky. Ladies don’t think about having sex with strangers as much as men. In my experience girls like sex just as much as guys they just have more restraint. After ten years with my wife our sex life is still strong. I still find her very appealing but any guy who has been married will tell you that the appeal for his wife will drop off (sometimes a little others a lot) after a few years. If my wife is any indication ladies keep the desire level up year after year. Either that or I am just THE MAN! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif

Anyway R13 I stick with what I said, tell her but don’t put it in a manner were it sounds like you are actively (stress on actively) looking for more. Respect her and let her make the choice.

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Not sure we can chalk it up to restraint. While I will readily agree that there are some women who will meet a guy, decide they like him and that he is sexy (and take off for a night of fun), ON AVERAGE, females usually need to have a bit more "attachment" to someone. Hence, as I stated, the reason there is more of a demand for female prostitutes than male ones.

And no argument about how much females like sex (I'd just say it is usually with someone they have a "connection" to). As my Grandpa used to tell me (grin), "Son, let me tell you about marriage. That thing is there when you want it and it's there when you don't want it." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

Re: OT: Advice....
 

Heard a quote once that sums it up nicely.
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Re: OT: Advice....
 

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif Wise man, I like him already!