OT-Horrorscope
 

For the Week of Dec 25th- Dec 31st.

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will be cited as living proof that the word "love"can mean different things to different people.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it's true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you'll take over.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

For the Week of Jan 1st

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the Last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okayHe believes in Himself.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

For the week of Jan 8th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as **** magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

for the week of Jan 15th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The stars are aware of your wish to shake it, but they warn you not to break it, as it took your mama nine months to make it.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
A bump in life's road causes you to lose control of life's car and spin out of control, careening off life's cliff and into life's rocky valley below, where the car bursts into life's flames.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Under no circumstances should you take no for an answer this week. You'll wind up in jail or hospitalized, but the stars will have fun watching.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
After developing a form of psychosis, you will become convinced you're Napoleon and conquer half of Europe before the British stop you next week.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You'll spend the rest of your life experiencing a painful kind of celebrity as you burn to death over a period of 37 years.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Hotei, the Buddha of epicureanism, challenges you to a pie-eating contest, which you will, of course, lose. Also, the pies are surprisingly mediocre.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Your name will become synonymous with financial success when you have it legally changed to Rich Wealthy.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Scientists say the universe will end in a state of heat death, which makes the giant stuttering cartoon pig's announcement that much more of a surprise.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will continue having problems establishing meaningful, non-strangling relationships with men well into your 40s.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Your recent visit to the hospital to entertain sick children is a nice gesture, but they scream themselves senseless upon seeing you again.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
It appears that this is your year at Last, and it is--especially the "at Last" part.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

for the week of the 22nd

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The good news is, at long Last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told ****ing everything?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

for the week of Jan 29th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
They think they've won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The pain of your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you'll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
While it's true that you're a sharecropper's son, it's because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum--but you promised her you wouldn't...

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

week of Feb 5th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform Version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white *** laughed off the stage.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

lol http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

cite your source tesco!

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">They are dead, Jim.

[ February 06, 2003, 02:23: Message edited by: Rollo ]

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

That reminds me of a Tarot reading I had.

The fortune teller turned over a card clearly marked the "Scottsman".

"The Scottsman?" I asked, "I have never even heard of that card!"

The fortune teller replied, "Well not to many people have this future, have they?"

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

Here's a fun "alternate" Tarot:

Silicon Valley Tarot {link}

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

Astrological Signs of the ZodiEgg
(Chicken Horoscopes)

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18):
Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20):
Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and Lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19):
Chickens born under the sign of Aries are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20):
Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20):
They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they are curious and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22):
While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They have a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

LEO (July 20 to August 22):
Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunity to escape a normal, humdrum existence.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22):
Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22):
Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making the crossing a considerable risk to themselves and others.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21):
Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21):
These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world and a spirit which longs to be free.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19):
Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

For the week of Feb 12th

Source : By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

for the week of Feb 19th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

For the week of feb 26th... Yea I know... But I had a run in with Wayne

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for $93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.

Re: OT-Horrorscope
 

For the week of Mar 3rd

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."