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-   -   The Funniest Canadian Joke. (http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/showthread.php?t=8394)

tbontob January 24th, 2003 03:21 AM

The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Here is the funniest Canadian joke as determined by Discovery Canada in a week long marathon of jokes.

Overheard, a radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadian: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision."

American: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision."

Canadian: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision."

American: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert your course."

Canadian: "No. I say again, divert your course."

American: "This is the U.S. carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the U.S. Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by 3 cruisers, 8 destroyers, 2 submarines and numerous support vessels. I demand you change your course 15 degrees north! I say again, that's 15 degrees north or countermeasures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadian: "This is the lighthouse. Your call."

Arkcon January 24th, 2003 03:49 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by tbontob:
Here is the funniest Canadian joke as determined by Discovery Canada in a week long marathon of jokes.

Overheard, a radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.


<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Link-a-chow

Still funny though. Look at some others.

Fyron January 24th, 2003 04:41 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
That isn't really that funny. I guess people in Canada (or at least those on that tv station) have odd senses of humor.

tbontob January 24th, 2003 04:55 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Arkon, I looked at your site and it is interesting that this joke is an oldie and has been around a long time.

So, I am going to play devil's advocate. (My apologies to fellow-Canadians)

First, it is obvious that there an element of animosity in the joke against the Americans.

Secondly, it is told in such a way to make the Americans look stupid.

Why is this?

First let me say, that I perceive the American military in general and the navy in particular, as being in the top upper-percentile of professionalism.

So what is going on?

Let's look at the joke first. Assuming the right-of-way rules do not apply, it only makes sense that a lone ship should give way to an armada.

Much easier for a lone ship to change course than a fleet and maybe this is the way Americans sometimes percieve things. It is just logical that a sailing schooner should give way to the fleet rather than the other way around.

Yet many nations perceive the power of the U.S. as kind of a "big brother" and they are obligated to give way.

Someone once described Henry Kaiser as a friendly elephant leaning on him. Nations may view the U.S. in a similar fashion.

However, friendly the elephant, you do not want to make him angry! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

So, I suspect there is suppressed anger in having to "give way" to a superior force.

In the joke, the US fleet gives the impression that it is applying its strength to get its way in Canadian waters.

However reasonable it is that the "fishing schooner" should give way to a fleet which is understandably more difficult to maneuver than a fishing schooner, force is still being applied in Canadian waters against a "so-called" Canadian vessel.

And this angers many people of nations who find themselves on the wrong end of the appication of force, however friendly it is applied.

And this is something I think Americans miss. They are often perceived as applying force when they may be just trying to be friendly. Or maybe something in between, friendly force. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

So, the joke ends with the Americans making a fool of themselves. And it does is give Canadians a feeling of superiority. An unwarranted feeling of superiority perhaps, but it does relieve the tension which is the purpose of many jokes.

Americans should not take this joke to heart. We can love an older brother but dislike the times when we are pressured by him to do something.

With Canada having at most one-tenth the power of the U.S. it is a way of dealing with the power inequity and thereby relieve the tension.

Arkcon January 24th, 2003 05:03 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by tbontob:
Arkon, I looked at your site and it is interesting that this joke is an oldie and has been around a long time.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hey, I just find it interesting that these old jokes get morphed into urban legends, back to jokes, etc.

You can see from the site, sometimes its told with Americans on both sides.

It will always be hilarious. I think the Imperator has a better explanation, there are somethings people latch on as funny that are pretty wierd.

[ January 24, 2003, 03:14: Message edited by: Arkcon ]

Arkcon January 24th, 2003 05:12 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
That isn't really that funny. I guess people in Canada (or at least those on that tv station) have odd senses of humor.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It's so strange you should say that, some group called Laugh Lab {their web page} says this is the one that got the most votes from Canada

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.


Which is also an UL, once developed the pen replaced the pencil on both US and Russian spacefights. It was less likely to break and send conductive particles floating into sensitive components, also it was less flammable in a rich oxygen environment.

All I can say is ... what is with those Belgians? Nothing personal, but that's a real old one guys. I know you can do better.

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:13 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
That joke was even less funny than the one Tbontob posted.

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:17 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Arkcon, the pen/pencil joke was one of the runner ups on the Discovery Channel.

But again, it was designed to make the Americans look foolish.

Yet, the Americans were vindicated in the end if, it is as you say, the pen was used by the Russians. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Arkcon January 24th, 2003 05:18 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
That joke was even less funny than the one Tbontob posted.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">See... and the big winner world wide ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Yeah, cute, but not hilarious. Have you checked out what's splitting sides in Belgum yet?

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:21 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Some people just don't have very good senses of humor...

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:22 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Some people just don't have very good senses of humor...
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">LOLROF http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:23 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
See what I mean? That wasn't very funny, but it got Tbontob to roll on the floor laughing. I am no comedian.

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:24 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
See what I mean? That wasn't very funny, but it got Tbontob to roll on the floor laughing. I am no comedian.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">And that was why I was laughing so hard! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:26 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
As a old Christian saying states, "Take the log out of your own eye first before complaining about the splinter in your neighbour."

You were complaining other people had no sense of humour and just verified you do not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:26 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
He is still grinning like an idiot. Maybe I am a comedian after all... nah...

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:27 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
He is still grinning like an idiot. Maybe I am a comedian after all... nah...
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:27 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by tbontob:
As a old Christian saying states, "Take the log out of your own eye first before complaining about the splinter in your neighbour."

You were complaining other people had no sense of humour and just verified you do not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Just because I didn't think 3 lame jokes were funny doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:28 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by tbontob:
As a old Christian saying states, "Take the log out of your own eye first before complaining about the splinter in your neighbour."

You were complaining other people had no sense of humour and just verified you do not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Just because I didn't think 3 lame jokes were funny doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It's a good start! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

DavidG January 24th, 2003 05:30 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Post your jokes here. Have Fyron tell you they're not funny. Eventually we'll figure out what passes for humour in CA, USA. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:31 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Ok... you are getting better with your alleged jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif After all, I am the CA, USA authority on humor. Nothing is funny here unless I say it is.

[ January 24, 2003, 03:32: Message edited by: Imperator Fyron ]

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:32 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by DavidG:
Post your jokes here. Have Fyron tell you they're not funny. Eventually we'll figure out what passes for humour in CA, USA. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">LOLROF http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

You guys gotta stop this! Or I'll have a stroke!

Arkcon January 24th, 2003 05:41 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Boy, I was so excited with the laugh lab. I thought the jokes were going to be the funniest ever, and define humor, instead every single one was lame.

Did they just not poll the people with a sense of humor or what?

And what's with the Discovery Canada poll? Two top jokes are urban legends?

I mean, a joke should make you wonder what was said, and as you gradually piece it together, a glimmer enters your eye, and ROTHLMAO.

So, an Englishman, an Irishman, and an American are drinking in a pub. They're getting drunk, getting rowdy, and the bartender throws them out.

They go to the roof to get some air.

The Irishman says, "Les takka jog 'round the bbbuildn' to sober up"

The American says, "Let's fly around instead"

"You're on", says the Irishman.

As the ambulance wheels away the Irishman, the Englishman turns to the American and says,

"Your're a real jerk when you drink, you know that Superman"


[ January 24, 2003, 03:42: Message edited by: Arkcon ]

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:42 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
That was a little better...

Arkcon January 24th, 2003 05:43 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
'Kay see, someone could point out the Superman was a Kryptonian not even a naturalized American citizen. They could say the Irishman shouldn't have fallen for it. Superman should have helped him, drunk or not. I could be said that it's sad the Irishman got hurt. Can Superman get drunk? Alcoholisim is a disease. Heck, they could point out that in Superman the Movie, much of it was filmed in Canada.

But they know, that everyone knows that already.

The joke is the unreal, presented as the real, almost convincingly.

The lighthose works in that way, the space pen doesn't. And flaming ducks? What does that just get pronounced funny in Belgian or something?

[ January 24, 2003, 03:50: Message edited by: Arkcon ]

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:44 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Yes Arkcon they polled the people.

Every joke you have presented so far was a joke to be voted on. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:45 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Well, not polled. People wrote, e-mailed etc their selection.

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:46 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
That was a little better...
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Is that a slight crack of a smile? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:47 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
No, as it was only slightly better.

3 Posts in a row... use the edit button more often. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:49 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
No, as it was only slightly better.

3 Posts in a row... use the edit button more often. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh, don't be such a fuddy-duddy! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron January 24th, 2003 05:55 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
I'll duddy all the fuds I want to.

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:57 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
I'll duddy all the fuds I want to.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">LOLROF http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Yes, I guess you will. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob January 24th, 2003 05:59 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
I'll duddy all the fuds I want to.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I would just recommend you not say that too openly. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Fyron January 24th, 2003 06:00 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Am I missing something here? I assumed those were made-up nonsense words. They may be real words, but would still be nonsense (like fair progressive tax).

tbontob January 24th, 2003 06:02 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Am I missing something here? I assumed those were made-up nonsense words. They may be real words, but would still be nonsense (like fair progressive tax).
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No they were not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok January 24th, 2003 06:07 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
LOL! This has been one great thread let me tell you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I got to post a joke now to see if I can make Fyron laugh. He probably is dying over these jokes but just isn't busting to make us look like fools. Right Fyron? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif
Here it goes.....This joke is a polock joke but no offense to any polish people out there today. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I was watching the news today and a news flash came across the screen and reported a bad air plane crash in poland early this morning. It was a little Sessna(sp?) 2 seater plane with a full crew complement of 2 people. Suddenly something went wrong and the plane crashed into a cemetary. They started questioning a polish police officer about the crash. Here is what was said: "How are things going in your search for the bodies of the pilot?" asked the news reporter.
"Not so good I'm afraid. So far we have found over 300 bodies and expect to find more as digging continues.

The end...
Sad thing was they never found the Pilot. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
So Fyron, how'd it do?

DavidG January 24th, 2003 06:34 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
LOL! This has been one great thread let me tell you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I got to post a joke now to see if I can make Fyron laugh. He probably is dying over these jokes but just isn't busting to make us look like fools. Right Fyron? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif
Here it goes.....This joke is a polock joke but no offense to any polish people out there today. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I was watching the news today and a news flash came across the screen and reported a bad air plane crash in poland early this morning. It was a little Sessna(sp?) 2 seater plane with a full crew complement of 2 people. Suddenly something went wrong and the plane crashed into a cemetary. They started questioning a polish police officer about the crash. Here is what was said: "How are things going in your search for the bodies of the pilot?" asked the news reporter.
"Not so good I'm afraid. So far we have found over 300 bodies and expect to find more as digging continues.

The end...
Sad thing was they never found the Pilot. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
So Fyron, how'd it do?

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Well let's see 3 funny ones Fyron found not funny then a lame one he found a bit funny. Since this one is truly lame he'll probably find it really funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Ragnarok January 24th, 2003 06:40 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Well let's see 3 funny ones Fyron found not funny then a lame one he found a bit funny. Since this one is truly lame he'll probably find it really funny.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I know it's lame that's why I posted it.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I figured same as you did, if what we find as truely lame he surely has to think it's funny.
But before I hit the sack for the night one Last joke, I just found it on the bob and tom website and thought it was an ok joke.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their Last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your Last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Ok, so I am going to post two instead, so what...

Q - What did George Washington say to his men just before they got on the boat?
A - Men, get on the boat.

Ok, I'm done... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

So they aren't the best jokes but I'm trying ot see what kind of humor gets Fyron to laugh.

tesco samoa January 24th, 2003 07:03 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Old one and a good one... posted it a few years back on the G&G thread

The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.

His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you
know that with one nod of my head I can make every Australian in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk
of it and rejoice for months."

The Queen seriously doubts this .. "One little nod of your head, and all the Australians are joyous for a week? Show me."

So the Pope head butts her.

tesco samoa January 24th, 2003 07:07 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
California: By 30, Our Women Have More PLastic Than Your Honda

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___


Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)


Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead


Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop


Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____


Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____


Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________


What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)


In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.

Kamog January 24th, 2003 08:20 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
An old joke that's been around for a while...

Quote:

McDonald's fast-food establishment actual job application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! Enjoy.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

couslee January 24th, 2003 10:40 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for
about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse ****.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

Fyron January 24th, 2003 10:52 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Rags' jokes were just plain bad taste.

Tesco's were pretty funny.

Kamog's was kinda funny. It could have been better.

Couslee's is just plain wrong, and not funny at all.

This has been your official report on the California Humor Compliancy of this thread.

primitive January 24th, 2003 11:49 AM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Tesco, I love that queen and pope joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
The key to a good joke is the suprise ending.

Here is a classic:
There's a Scottish old timer, in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya f*** one goat . . . "

couslee January 24th, 2003 12:55 PM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Couslee's is just plain wrong, and not funny at all.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">LOL. must have got you good to prompt such a rating. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

geoschmo January 24th, 2003 03:19 PM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
A young married couple decided they wanted to join the local church. This was an obscure denomination in which the minister had a peculier restriction for new members. As a test of their comittment they were required to abstain from sexual relations for a period of one month.

The couple had not been married long and were very attracted to each other, but they were eager to be a part of the community so they agreed. At the end of the month the minister called them into his office to ask them if they passed the test.

"Well preacher, I'll tell you," the husband began sheepishly. "we did allright for the first couple weeks. But the other day we were getting some food and I walked up behind her and saw her bent over getting some frozen vegatables. I tried to resist but the urge was too great. I had to have her and she felt the same way. I took her right there on the floor in front of the freezer."

"Well my son," the minister said disapointedly. "I am afraid that you have failed the test and will not be permitted to join our congregation."

"I understand, and I don't blame you at all. They won't let us back in the supermarket either."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok January 24th, 2003 05:38 PM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
woohoo! I got one of the worst Ratings possible! That's what I was going for. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif But I know they were lame, I just had to try them out. I got a couple more.

This Pirate walks into a bar with a steering.............Sorry, I had to do it.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Ok, here we go seriously...

"Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...."

And...

Two guys are going camping. After they had reached the base camp and had set it up, one of the guys says "I gotta take a dump! Where do I go?"
"Go around the corner there, behind those trees and do it."
"Okay."
So the guy is gone for about 10 minutes, all of a sudden he remembers that he didn't bring any toilet paper. So he yells at the other guy for some TP but to no avail, the two didn't

have any at all.
"What do you mean "We don't have any?"
"Just what I said, quit your whining and use some leaves or grass or something!"
"There isn't any!!"
"Well use some rocks or maybe a pine cone!"
"There isn't any!!"
"Well... Have you got a dollar?"
"Yeah" (Somewhat confused)
"Well use that then, geez!"
Another 10 minutes go by and the man emerges from the trees, with crap all the way up to his elbows.
"What the HELL happened??!!"
"Have you ever tried to wipe your *** with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?"

Ragnarok January 24th, 2003 05:39 PM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Found a couple more, I'm done until later tonight. I find these rather funny but I doubt Fyron will. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened.

He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

And...

starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

[ January 24, 2003, 15:40: Message edited by: Ragnarok ]

Wardad January 24th, 2003 06:43 PM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Do you know an arse from an elbow? Take the quiz.

http://www.assotron.com/arse-or-elbow/

[ January 24, 2003, 16:50: Message edited by: Wardad ]

David E. Gervais January 24th, 2003 06:47 PM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Have any of you ever heard of the '**** List'? It can be kind of personal, but here it is, see how many on the list stir your memories..

1) The Lincoln Log (It's big and it floats!)
2) The Phantom **** (You felt it come out, you heard it splash, but when you look, it's nowhere to be seen!)
3) The Peek-a-boo **** (Every time you strain, it peeks out, but when you stop straining to breath it hides back in!)
4) The Brain-hemorage through your nose **** (..and it's not called blushing!)
5) The Super snake (also known as the spiral ****!)
6) The Memorable **** (So strange, big or unique that you need a witness!)
7) The Popcorn **** (you know plop, plop no fizz oh what a relief it is!)
8) The Niagra **** (aka the liquid ****!)
9) The Kodak **** (similar to the Memorable **** but you grab a camera because no-one is around!)
10) The Air **** (It's when you spend a half hour on the bowl farting!)
11) The Oxigen Deprivation **** (It stinks so much you have trouble breathing!)
12) The TNT **** (The one that litterly blows out of you in a matter of seconds, often associated with the 'liquid ****'!)
13) The Alien **** (Often recognized by it's strange yellow/green color! Are babies aliens?)
14) The Drain Blocker (The one you have to chop up in order to get it to flush!)

If you know of any missing '****' that should be on the list feel free to add to it!

I bet Fyron is Laughing so hard now that he's crying. Like I said this list can be very personal, RIght Fyron? LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ January 24, 2003, 16:52: Message edited by: David Gervais ]

kalthalior January 24th, 2003 07:41 PM

Re: The Funniest Canadian Joke.
 
Not terribly PC, and with apologies to blondes out there ... the Seven Degrees of Blondes

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitols. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."


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