A Culture question for ya\'ll regarding my story.
 

Well by now a lot of you have probobly read my Icaran story and the like so I decided I would make a thread (outside of the story because I don't want to clog the story thread any further) asking you all what some of you might think of the Icaran culture (likes dislikes that sort of thing).
As well as some questions for you all on my story and hte like.

Well for one I know that unfortunately I have not gone in to as much depth with their society as I would like but that's mainly because I don't know how far you guys would take before being offended and I don't want to offend any of you guys. So any tips here on how much of the "controversial" things I could let into the story would help, such as their justice system for example.


Question #2: I'd like to ask you guys is this, I have gotten a little "vivid" in some of the violent scenes but in upcoming chapters as the war hits it's strides things could get worse, how much "gore" is okay on these threads?

Question #3: Well I know I've "tech wanked" some stuff up and I am trying to be more realistic then Star Trek because I loathe their constant changes in just about every tech. (main reason I've stayed away from transporters lol) So how much "tech wank" do you think I've had on a scale of 1-10 and what areas do you think I could lose without detracting from the story?


Question #4:I have stated the official religious points of view of the Icarans only in passing because of the fear of offending people, so here again (I would not mock religions out of my actual viewpoints btw) how far would it be okay to describe without offending any of you?


Final Question: Is my writing style improving (this is very important to me, as I am hoping to be an author and am even taking writing courses in college) and what areas are still a little weak? (please be gentle here)



The reason I ask all of these is because I really value your folks opinion as readers (you are some of the more educated boardmembers I've encountered, for example the folks over at Relic boards would probobly have stopped reading my story in chapter 2 and screamed me out of the forums) so I base you all as a good "starting fan base" for any of my future works.

Though if I do write books you'll have to pay to read them hehe.

Re: A Culture question for ya\'ll regarding my story.
 

On #1 nice as it is to explain stuff, unless its relavent to the story (or will be in future chapters) then it just strikes as filler. Anything in the story must be linked to whatever tale your trying to tell, or its hard to get involved. Impressive as the thinking and depth behind it may be, the details of a fictional justice system would just seem filler. Unless a certain Admiral is up for a court martial, for instance http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

#2 Seen worse, much worse. Urrgh the flashbacks in fact. So go for it, but like #1 don't make it gratutiously bloody for the sake of it.

#3 If your consistent then it doesn't matter. Keep the story moving and no-ones going to stop and think about the exact details of the tech. Unless you put in awfull pseudo science or deliberately draw their attention to it.

#4 Really don't go there, unless you have some very clever and very important point of plot. It is just asking for trouble. Unless the religion is part of the story then don't mention it.
If it is then do you need the details? Losing your religion, or finding it, being blinded by dogma, a search for redemption. The list goes on of storys involving religion/spirituality that don't need details.

As to the style, I would say that it's still too game based. The last chapter the security guy wanted large ish cap ships, but he admited they wouldn't be fighting ships. So why call them battleships? Oh yes the in game hull size (xxx kT) may be right but just calling them battleships would reduce their chances of being made as it would annoy the millitary.

Such problems aside its better, if a little light on regular characters. Ohh various heads of fleet and El Kingisisimo hang around, but expendable bridge officers and ministers come and go between chapters. Thus when a random officer you only just got introduced to a chapter back snuffs it.. Meh really. When the dozens of SDs go up (as they seem to in most fights http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif) it would have more of an impact if one of the captains, or anyone on board for that matter, we'd knew and known for a few chapters.

Re: A Culture question for ya\'ll regarding my story.
 

Starhawk, in not having read your story (connection limitations) I can offer an un-biased opinion to your questions.
1) Sometimes a story can draw interest as revelations are given on a 'need to know' basis. 'After action' explanations are a good plot twist.
2) One picture is worth a thousand words. You don't need a thousand words to describe death. Everyone who reads the story will walk away with their own images in their mind. That should be enough to just keep the descriptions of gore to a minimal.
3) As you stated yourself, if you keep the tech consistent, it will not draw attention from the story line. After all your not writing a tech manual.
4) Again a 'need to know' basis for the purpose of the story line. If there's religion involved then there is usually a God involved in some form. Keep it simple and straight forward, all people realize that there are many people in the world who worship different Gods and have different beliefs. As long as you're not degrading any form of worship, don't be afraid to write about religion. After all, more wars have been fought in the name of religions then any other reason.
5) Can't answer that, but if your looking for feedback here, then you have the right attitude and are on the right track. Keep looking for answers because "The Truth is out there" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif

Re: A Culture question for ya\'ll regarding my story.
 

El-Phil re: Battleships, hmmm good point but I was sort of pressed for what to call a Federal Security ship that is just short of Icaran Capital standards but bigger then anything a civilian (non freighter) would have got any suggestions, especailly since there will also be FedSec battlecruisers.

2. Well I was not going to "overblow" the gore but as the war gets more intense we'll be seing ground actions growing more common, and in fact some other things I don't want to reveal just yet that could be graphic (yet important)

3. Well new tech is going to be introduced (non game tech) as the plot goes on but I wasn't planning on trekkified 'everything is solved by technobabble' approach.

4. Well the Icaran view of religion and how it drives them was going to be made a bit more clear as the story went on, I mean we've already had a peak at their "Path" religion which is a mix of western christianity with asiatic influences.

Slight Spoiler:
The main reason I asked this is because the "Cult of Terra" was going to make another appearance and a much more "in depth" one at that and there may be refferences made to modern religion. And this is also where the Icaran legal system would come in to play.
/Slight Spoiler.

Hmmm well the thing about "expendable" main characters is that I'm already phasing them in a little bit http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif but slowely as I dont want to pull an ST where everytime you see a new guy you know they're dead before the EP is through. And Sandra Fowler was one of my earlier characters and the story had her for I think about twenty odd years before she and her whole SD division got wiped out heh only problem is that is also when that guy e-mailed me with the "glad she's gone" post and I was unsure of how to bring in replacements without it being obvious that some of them can and will die.

Thats another thing here most of my folks don't have character shields lol if the ship they're on blows up and it seems like it would be unreasonable to have them survive then they won't.
Rukia was a different matter though as I deliberately gave her a "character shield" in that chapter so that we would have a character with personal trauma hiding under the calm jovial exterior, I mean she saw her Admiral and just about her entire crew killed and she herself suffered horrible wounds that took years to recover from even with Icaran technology-not all of it was physical if yah get where I'm going with this- so anyhoo on that area thanks for the suggestions I will definately work on that http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif


Any other advice/suggestions guys?

Re: A Culture question for ya\'ll regarding my story.
 

Starhawk writes: "I don't know how far you guys would take before being offended and I don't want to offend any of you guys."

It's no doubt unintentional, but here Starhawk seems more like a marketer than an author. One of the best aspects of fiction is that an author can use/invent societies that he/she does not necessarily admire. The novel "1984" is an excellent example. I think most of us on this board are smart enough to recognize this and not condemn an author for including unsavory characters, politics, etc.

On the other hand, it's a good bet that somebody, somewhere will be offended by ANYTHING, so the only way to avoid all offense is to write nothing (which by the way would probably offend other people, including me!) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif

#2 Gore - I don't know Shrapnel's policies with regard to fiction on its boards. I'd say anything within those standards is OK. Gratuitous sex/violence is boring, but horrific descriptions can be a great way to explain character motivations. If Shrapnel is too restrictive, an author can always get a web site from a less inhibiting provider.

#3 Tech "wank" - BTW, that term offends me! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif I'm a Space Empires player and long-time sci fi fan, so weird pseudo-tech doesn't bother me. In general, however, it's probably best to be non-specific where possible. Instead of giving an exact mass for an SD, for example, perhaps it could be described as "three times the size/mass of our largest dreadnought." Instead of giving specific terawattage for a weapon, one might describe its killing power relative to an older weapon or to a given target. In the film "Master and Commander", for example, we don't need to know the exact penetrating power of a nine-pounder cannon at 100 yards. It is helpful, however, to know that the enemy ship has bigger guns and a thicker hull, but it's still vulnerable at the stern.

#4 Religion - Again, as long as description doesn't cross the line into advocacy, I don't see a problem with devil worship, human sacrifice, naked rituals, self-flagellation, etc. provided it's tied into the storyline. Religious aspects can be casually exposed e.g. in passing, during conversations, or more explicitly as when dealing with militant fanatics. For what I see as a good example of religion in sci fi, check out Arthur C. Clarke's "The Star".

#5 Improvement - Yes, but with a long way to go. I still see misspellings, awkward grammar, and run-on sentences that contain a number of different thoughts that should be broken into separate sentences but instead go on and on until the reader is figuratively begging for punctuation to rescue him from the confusion and put the storyline into some sort of order but that doesn't happen until far too late and by that time he often has to go back and start over to sort out what just happened in the story. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif Character development is adequate for a sci fi game after action report, but well short of what's needed for a more mainstream audience. The "plot" is somewhat disjointed, but that's probably inevitable given the work-in-progress nature of the story at this point. All these problems could (and I expect will) be addressed in a complete rewrite of what I see here as a first draft.

Ideally these college-level writing classes Starhawk mentions are merciless in their criticism of ALL aspects of students' writing, i.e. grammar, punctuation, character development, exposition, plot, etc. If so, they are potentially much more valuable than critiques from the (presumably) amateurs on this board.

#6 (Not asked by Starhawk) Grow a thick skin. By exposing his thoughts, ideas, and emotions in print, a would-be author deliberately becomes the proverbial "tallest nail" just begging to be hammered. This can be educational, but painful. As part of the improvement process, it helps if the authorling can take a good hammering and enthusiastically ask, "Please, sir, may I have another?" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/image...es/biggrin.gif

Re: A Culture question for ya\'ll regarding my story.
 

Starhawk, please email me. I have an item I would like to send you to read. It is helpful and interesting.