What follows is a transcript of Schnurt Niggel's speech to the Katamaran Academy of Science & Compost. Mr. Niggle is a Professor of History at the Academy, and co-owner of the San Dorp Dirt Hoarders; Katamaran's Championship Go-Fish Team...
Professor Niggel begins:
"Poop...
Poop is the foundation of the Katamaran Service. Without it, we would starve and would have no shelter. Without poop, we could not sustain our economy, nor could we explore the galaxy. The Katamaran Service owes it's existance to poop."
The auditorium vibrates with the furried clicking of agreement by the attending audience. The Professor's mandibles click rapidly before continuing.
"Poop, also known as ****, manure, excrement, crap, doo, number 2, and lincoln logs just to name a few, is necessary for our survival. This we can all agree upon. That is why our expansion into the Solar System is so vital to our survival."
*click*click*click*
"With every new world we discover, fresh varieties of poop are discovered. Why, in just 3 years we have discovered 14 new specimens. The rapid growth of the Baskin & Robbins chain of kiosks is a prime example of this impact.
Our encounters with other species in the Galaxy compound this trend. Our analysts predict that for every new race we encounter, 120 new specimens of poop are discovered. Our current Treaties with the Sweden Democracy & Thermolian Empire have provided a fresh mound of poop for us to explore, analyz, and devour.
For example, poop from the Sweden Democracy contains several herbs and extracts that are not present within our current society. Wether these ingredients develop naturally within the Swedish People or from their diet remains unknown, but our union with them will allow us time to find the answers. For afterall, wherever there is poop, the Thermolians will be there, hip deep in it.
The recent trade of population with the Thermolian Empire will further expand this resource base. Within several months their transport will be on our Homeworld, and we will begin analyzing their stool. One of our chief scientists who has had a chance to study the projected data informs me that Thermolian poop is especially "nutty" and "crunchy". This news has not been released yet, but when it does, the candy bar industry will skyrocket!"
The Professor clicks his mandibles as he dips a sponge into a bowl of water, soaking it thuroughly, before placing the sponge into his maw and squeezing the water out with his mandibles, much like chewing gum.
~squish~squish~squish~
"Our emerging Space Fleet is another example of the benefits of what the tabloids are calling "Poop Culture". As you all know, the hulls of our Fleet are made primarily of polarized poop. By subjecting certain grades of poop to intense, pressurised radiation, we can create a surface material 28 times stronger than conventional metals. With this material our Service has explanded beyond the borders of the Usean System. We finally have a place among the stars, and the Galaxy is noticing.
The next several years will see futher discoveries in this bowl of research. It's well known that other Races are there out among the stars. The Sweden Democracy mention one specific race called the Vorlons. Contact with this Race alone would increase poop research by another 80%. Our Fleet has begun sending ships through the unknown parts of space to search out these Races.
The future is now, and it smells great!"
The audience stand and salute the Professor as he finishes his speech. The sound of mandibles clicking and claws clacking fill the grand hall as the Professor walks of the stage and begins to mingle with the attendees.
--
Boy, I bet you regret asking for this now, don't ya?
