[dogscoff]

-To get the job done quicker, motivate your movers with a cat 'o nine tails or cattle prod.

-You break my wardrobe, I break your legs.

-Make sure the first things that get moved are your most comfortable chair and a fridge full of beer, so that you can sit in comfort and gloat as the poor saps drag your housebrick collection up three flights of stairs.

-Reclaim petrol money by charging them for imaginary breakages.

...uncomfortable pause...

What? Why are you all looking at me like that?