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Will said:
One suggestion: try not starting so many lines/paragraphs with quotes. It gets a bit repetitive as far as style goes.
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Thanks for the tip -- real helpful stuff
I often fall into a rut, and need to be kicked out of it.
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As for the story itself... more background, please! All I get is that it's a fleet battle. Nothing of what the sides are, nothing about why there's a conflict/war going on, little of what's going on with the characters. Great on action, and has it's own variety of BLAM!, but overall, needs more substance if it's gonna keep me.
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Don't worry, thats going to come up soon. I just needed to set the stage in the first part; the second part should (*should*) start gettting into more details about the military (at the strategic level, not tactical) and socio-political situation.
And if my grammar starts falling apart, feel free to critique me on it. Unless its an obvious "stylistic" error (I. E. I'm doing it deliberatly to form an effect) or in the dialog where its part of characterization. (I don't do that often, but it happens... "I'm fine, commander" to a lieutenant, right after the rating has been struck in the head for example...).