[narf poit chez BOOM]

Subject: Garden Grass Snakes - DANGEROUS!
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 22 Aug 2005 11:48 PM
Originally Posted: 23 Aug 2005 12:50 AM

Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes.. Thamnophis
sirtalis) can be dangerous .... yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The
husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the butt.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on
the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him
up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded
him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time
the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical
Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He
armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down
on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between
the cushions, where she! felt the snake wriggling around. She
screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the
neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, he tried to use CPR
to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from
shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where
it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he
had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now
the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey, and assumed &! gt;that a drunken fight had occurred. They
were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it
all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and
hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The
table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it
started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through
the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved
to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, the
burning drapes were see! n by the neighbors and they called the fire
department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its
ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore
out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block area but they did get the
house fire out.

Time passed.

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired,
the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right
with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked
his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the
night.

That's when she shot him.

Subject: Christian Humor
Author: Deann Allen
Date: 22 Aug 2005 04:58 PM
Got this from my brother. Enjoy.

D.
--
http://savageheart.blogspot.com/
---------------------------------------

Christian Humor


1. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

2. "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========

3. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

4. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========

5. While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

6. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

7. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

" The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========

8. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========

9. A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========

10. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

11. The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________

Give me a sense of humor,
Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

* * * * * * * * *
Excellent Lesson

One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was teaching evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes

TEACHER: Go outside and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see GOD?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: TOMMY, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No.

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one..........

II CORINTHIANS 5:7 "FOR WE WALK BY FAITH , NOT BY SIGHT"