[narf poit chez BOOM]

Some things from the Baen forums:

WHAT IS REALITY

Well, according to TV and the movies...

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. If being chased, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade (at any time of the year), and if you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. The Chief of Police is always black and will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. (A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite; and during all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe, and most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology but a single match will still be sufficient to light up a room the size of a stadium.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock, and cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage and a man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside; but an electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one and most dogs are immortal.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language as a simple German accent will do. Indeed, when they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

YOU THINK YOU SO SMART... here's "The World's Easiest Quiz"

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes panama hats?
3. Where do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is the purple finch?
9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?



GIVE UP?
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November, since the Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria -- Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. He respected Queen Victoria's wish that no future King should be called Albert.
8. Distinctly crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty Years, of course -- from 1618 to 1648.

Subject: Groaner
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 05 Dec 2005 01:54 AM
Originally Posted: 05 Dec 2005 03:04 AM
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they
have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a
pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best!

For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous
home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread.
Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.