[narf poit chez BOOM]

I checked the Baen humour forum...Fear! Feeeear!!...

Subject: And now a word from our legal department:.....
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 10 Aug 2006 11:57 PM
And now a word from our legal department:.....

This is a test. It is only a test. If this were not a test, it would not
be called test. Therefore, it is still a test and only a test. This test
is not to be confused with an emergency test. For that is an old test.
Those who created this test need no embellishment for they have already
passed this test and you need to pass this test as well.

If you received this test with prior notification that you were about to
receive this test, then it would be safe to say that you too are part of
this test. However, if you were not part of this test and received it,
then you could pass this test to the person or persons who should have
received this test on their behalf.

If you want to take this test, then you are most welcome to take this
test as long as you too pass this test. The pathway to the success of
this test leads the way to two kinds of constraints, those that pass the
test and those that do not pass the test. However, if you fail this test
it will go on record that you to have not succeeded in passing this
test.

Please note, that anyone not authorized to take this test, will be in
violation of test requirements and therefore their participation in this
test will be known as an invalid test. It is in the judgment of the test
committee, that, test management immediately disqualifies all invalid
tests. Empowered with this new understanding we could create more
assertive tests.

For those of you who have any questions about this test they should
write them down and send them to the test committee whereby they will
have a meeting to discuss the further possibilities of having still
another test.

In the meantime, Thank you for taking part in this test. This concludes
this test.

Signed,
Test Management

P.S. A warning is hereby given to those who have been granted permission
to take this test, they should never seek council after taking this
test.

I made sense of most of that; how about you?

Subject: Ooops by 2
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 08 Aug 2006 04:15 AM
I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment with a
highly recommended stylist. I was told customers were taken on a walk-in
basis only.
On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m., only to learn that it was that
hairdresser's day off. I drove to another salon, but it was booked
solid. Still another had no openings.
The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted
me at the door. "That was fast," he said cheerfully. "Your hair looks
great!"

------------------------------



Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in
Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special.
When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would
sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell,"
the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

You know you're in an Australian Summer when....

1.The best parking space is determined by shade
instead of distance.

2.Hot water comes out of both taps.

3.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding iron.

4.The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a
little chilly.

5.You discover that in February it only takes two
fingers to steer your car.

6.You discover that you can get sunburnt through
your car window.

7.You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

8.You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

9.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

10.You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

11. While walking back barefoot to your car from the
beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.

12.You catch a cold from having the aircon full
blast while you sleep during the night.

13.You pray that your train will have air-conditioning, and if it
doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth it.

Grumpy, Australia

Considering that it was 0 degrees last night - roll on Spring!
dave

And the thread's good, too

Subject: Ethnicity
Author: Dan Neely
Date: 07 Aug 2006 06:06 PM
My dad is Icelandic, my mother Cuban. I'm an icecube.

I'm english, irish, scottish, welsh and german with a possible spot of russian. Somewhere in there is rumurs of gypsy and american indian (One of my uncles was actually mistaken for an american indian by the national geographic, among other things.).

Guess that explains why I'm so confused...

Subject: You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 05:10 AM
You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .

*You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
*You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
*Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
*You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
*When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three
bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
*Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
*You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
*You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
*The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
*You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the
pool.
*You own more than three large coolers.
*You wish that other people would get hit by a hurricane and not feel
the least bit guilty about it.
*You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take
gallon of gas to get there and back"
*You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your
freezer
*Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can
assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
*You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
*You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance
policy.
*You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
*At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
*You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
*There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
*You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work
at the Weather Channel.
*Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
*Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
*Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
*Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
*You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
*You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a
tree worker.
*A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
*You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
*Your child's first words, "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
*Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
Christmas.
*Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
*You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad
side."
*Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
*You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

Subject: Camping Chips
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 05:07 AM
Camping Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of
your underwear.

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

*A large carp can be used for a pillow.

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn

camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

*The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

*It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

*Effective January 1, 2000, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

*Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
a snoring tent mate.

I get the feeling some of those are not to be taken seriously.

Subject: I don't blame him
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:58 AM
A woman, her husband, and their three very rambunctious young sons were in
their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car
next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last
baby, I want to try for a daughter."

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said,
"Here, have another cookie."

Subject: Problem solved
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:55 AM

The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having
trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.
Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the
tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed
his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly
called him back, "Hey, where's your lift ticket?"

"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow."

At this, the two operator produced an ax and, with two
blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis,
just ahead of his toes.

With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator
lowered his ax and turned to the crowd, "Anyone else out
there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"

Subject: Zinger!
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:50 AM
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a
hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became
more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package
had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect
me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good
health."

Subject: Ooops
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:48 AM
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They
stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found
the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.