[Potatoman]

... And welcome back to the Dominions News Network. As the world's only secular news network, DNN is your number 1 choice for unbiased ascension coverage, 2 years running.

Tonight, we join our Field Reporter Dennis Hardbody in Troll Land, where he has exlusive coverage of the ongoing cataclysm that has gripped the southwestern populace tightly in icy tentacles of fear. Dennis?

Thank you Jon. The scene here in Troll Land is one of unfettered desolation, and from what I've learned, the nations of R'lyeh and Kailasa are both responsible. It's like a moonscape now, Jon. I need a special helmet just to survive out here.

What happened Dennis? Are there any survivors?

Yes Jon. Fortunately, anyone that was able to burrow down more than a mile beneath the Earth's crust was able to survive the battle's collateral damage. Otherwise, well, it would have been a good time to invest in a Crystal Heart or really hope for the success of your pretender.
As for the cause, Jon, eye-witnesses tell us that both the Kailasan and R'lyeh armies were spamming the same spell- Gifts from Heaven. For those not versed in high level battle magic, this spell grabs giant chunks of rock from outer space, some weighing more than an Earth Mother, and hurls them down at our defenseless Earth. This is an Extraordinarily deadly Spell, Jon. There really is no defense after you have been hit with a piece of rock the size of a tropical island, some of which are radioactive, or on fire.

How many times was this spell cast at Troll Land, Dennis?

Reports are sketchy, Jon. A mole that we interviewed via Gift of Reason was not willing to comment and the other witnessess have marched on with their army or passed on to the Celestial Sphere, a place that has denied entrance to this foreign correspondent. The one thing I'm sure they all agree on is that there were certaintly enough gifts from heaven to go around. Our experts estimate that almost 50% of the earth's kuiper belt "got lost" sometime last night. With this kind of destructive power as the plaything of pretending gods, this reporter can only hope that the R'lyeh and Kailasan armies learn from the lesson of Troll Land, or their eventually victory will be pyrrhic at best. Jon?

Thank you Dennis. Now if you've been counting days obsessively, wondering "Is this a good time to enroll my child in a youth Frungy league?" you're not alone. Our reporter Greg Manslab investigates the sordid underside of youth Frungy; the details may suprise you. Story at 11.