[AgentZero]

See? Good things do come to those who wait. There's a little joke for those of you who frequent #spaceempires, and a vague reference to Sheldon and/or Sinfest, but otherwise those of you familiar with none of the above should do fine. And now, without further ado, I present to you 1727 words of unadulterated... something. Or it might be adulterated. I'm not entirely sure what adulterated is. Oh, right. That probably counted as ado, didn't it?






“Incoming!” Alice shrieked suddenly, diving to the nearest console and sending the ship into a dizzying evasive pattern.

“Who? Where?” Kagan asked, trying not to sound as though he was trying desperately to keep his lunch down. “And why?” he added for good measure.

“Couldn't tell you,” Saraea replied, staring at a display screen. “The source of the fire is outside our sensor range.”

“Someone's taking shots at us from outside our sensor range?” Kagan repeated incredulously. “That's not good.”

“Actually,” Saraea said slowly, scowling at her display screen. “Alice, sweetie, stop flinging the ship about for a moment, would you?”

“Thanks but no thanks,” Alice told her. “Being dead isn't on my plan for the day.”

“We won't die,” Saraea assured her. “Just... stop.”

“Ok,” Alice agreed grudgingly. “But if we die, I'm spending eternity poking you with a tiny spoon.”

The ship settled into a more stable course, and true to Saraea's word, they didn't die. All eyes went to Saraea, who ignored them magnificently, staring at her display screen instead, periodically adjusting a few controls.

“No one's shooting at us,” she said eventually. “What we're seeing is stray weapon's fire from something very big up ahead, if the energy signatures are anything to go by.”

Kagan turned to Alice and Fiona. “Are you girls sure you-” he let the question die as the girls turned towards him, their expression telling him everything he needed to know. “Right,” he said. “We're continuing in, but if there's a big hostile out there, we're going in slowly and carefully. Set all systems to minimum power. Configure engines for silent running and switch to passive sensors only. O'Shea, get over to the Defiant and power up her passive sensors too. They've got better range and resolution and you're docked far enough back that the Daedalus's engines should mask the higher output.”

O'Shea obediently rose from his seat and left the bridge, while the rest of them crowded around Saraea to get a view of her display screen. Minutes passed and nothing happened. The four of them jumped, then managed to do a respectable job of pretending they didn't when a burst of static preceded O'Shea's announcement that something bigger than them had just come into range, and that they should be able to get a reading on it in about five minutes. The longest five minutes in the history of the galaxy proceeded to pass with nary a care over the anxiety they produced in the four occupants of the Daedalus's bridge.

“Squee!” Alice exclaimed suddenly.
“I see something!” Fiona chimed in. “Something... blobby.”

Indeed, at the very fringe of passive sensor's range, the silhouette that appeared on the display screen was distinctly blobby. Passive sensors operated on a variety of different frequencies, and at the furthest extent of their range, didn't do a very good job of telling them apart. Kagan found that by squinting just so, and tilting his head ever so slightly, he could make out the vague shape of a ship's hull, buried amongst what he could only assume were heat blooms.

“Kaelan, do you have any better idea of what exactly we're looking at?” Kagan asked through the intercom.

“Unless my eyes deceive me,” O'Shea replied. “Which I might add they don't. At least not where this sort of thing is concerned. Perhaps when it concerns the drink and buxom young fillies, but most assuredly not where this sort of thing is concerned.”

A long silence ensued, eventually prompting Alice to point out, “You never actually finished that thought, sweetums.”

“I didn't?” O'Shea said, bewildered. “I normally don't talk that much without making some sort of point.”

“Well you did,” Alice said bluntly. “So would you please finish? Inquiring minds want to know!”

“Oh. Well it's a Tauren battleship,” O'Shea replied matter-of-factly. “And someone seems to have blasted the bajasus out of it.”

“Cool bananas!” Alice exclaimed.

“Eh, might I point out,” Kagan said tentatively. “That we are currently in the process of approaching at a not insignificant velocity, and not distancing ourselves at a fair and resonable velocity, from said person, place or thing that blasted the bajasus out of a Tauren battleship. And might I also point out that we are considerably less well-equipped than said Tauren battleship to absorb the sort of punishment that results in the aforementioned blasting the bajasus out of.”

“When you use lots of big words it makes me all tingly,” Alice informed him.

“Really?” Fiona replied. “I'd describe it as more prickly.”

“You *****!” Alice declared good-naturedly, delivering a gentle swat to Fiona's backside.

“*****?” Fiona gasped in mock indignation. “Why you!” And with that sentence fragment, she proceeded to return Alice's swat in kind. This, for whatever peculiar reason set the two of them off into a fit of giggles.

“What's all the laughing?” O'Shea demanded. “What's so funny?”

“It's nothing,” Kagan replied, sounding harried. “The twins are spanking each other.”
“That's nothing?” O'Shea exclaimed. “I'll be there in two- why hello.”

Kagan made a noise of confused interest.

“Something new coming up,” O'Shea explained. Something big. Very... Big. Should be visible to you in five minutes or so.” The longest five minutes in the history of the universe proceeded to pass with nary a care over the anxiety they produced in the four occupants of the Daedalus's bridge.

“Hey, it's a... wall,” said Fiona. “A big blue wall.”

“Zooming out,” Saraea informed them, her hands swiftly manipulating the controls. “A lot.”

The solid wall of blue proceeded to shrink, albeit at a less than rapid rate, until it began to form the outline of something very large indeed. Eventually, it resolved itself into a shape bearing a striking resemblance to that of a spaceship, though admittedly a spaceship much larger than anyone on either bridge had encountered thus far.

“Blimey,” said Kagan.

“Crikey,” said Saraea.

“Yoink,” said Fiona.

“Thbbt,” said Alice.

Kagan was about to say something cautionary, when a sudden wave of nausea washed over him. At first it was a mild ripple that he tried to shake off, attributing it to too little sleep and too much strenuous activity. It surged suddenly, leading him to wonder, despite all the logical impossibilities of such an occurrence, if he had perhaps eaten something he shouldn't have. It then proceeded to explode into a dizzying sensation not entirely unlike having ones innards pummeled by a thousand tiny, freezing cold fists. He collapsed to his knees, gagging on something unpleasant as he tried desperately to avoid pitching over altogether. He turned his head, ignoring how the action caused his vision to swim crazily, and tried to croak a warning to the others, only to see Alice and Fiona collapse to the floor almost simultaneously. He turned his head the other way, towards Saraea despite the profound sickness such an action produced, only to find that she too was slumped over her console. Over the intercom, he could hear the unmistakable sound of violent retching. His vision blurred, and began to darken, when suddenly without any warning, the sickening sensation vanished, and he found himself breathlessly kneeling on the floor.

“What...?” was all he could manage.

Saraea pushed herself back from her station and visibly collected herself. “We were scanned,” she managed weakly. “Vigorously.”

“My nooks!” Fiona moaned, rising shakily to her feet.

“My crannies!” Alice groaned, struggling to her knees, then slowly pushing herself upright.

“Eh, lads?” O'Shea's voice wavered over the intercom. “I've gone and made a fine mess down here, so I wouldn't be expecting any updates for as long as it takes me to clean this up.”

“Bloody hell,” Kagan muttered as he pulled himself into a chair. “I once stepped in front of a scoutship's array while they were running diagnostics on it and it felt something like that. But this far away? What the hell has that kind of power?”

“Nothing I can think of,” said Saraea. “But this leads me to believe that it may be safe to approach. Consider,” she continued over Kagan's feeble objections. “Something with that sort of sensor capability would have seen us long before we ever saw it, silent running or not, yet it did nothing. Didn't shoot, didn't launch missiles, didn't even run away. More to the point, we are now considerably closer to it than the Tauren battleship and it still hasn't done anything, leading me to believe that not only is it safe to approach, but whomever is on that ship actually wants us to approach.”

“We agree!” the twins chorused.

“Fine,” said Kagan, shaking his head to banish the last remnants of that godawful, invasive scanning. “Well enter communications range and see what they have to say. But if anything they say smells even the tiniest bit fragrant, we're turning tail and forgetting we saw this thing.” The longest five minutes in the history of the multiverse proceeded to pass with nary a care over the anxiety they produced in the four occupants of the Daedalus's bridge.

“Entering communications range... now,” said Saraea. “And incoming hail, audio only.”

“Prompt,” observed Alice. “Like a moose.”

“Efficient,” Fiona agreed. “Like a fox.”

“Put it through,” said Kagan, directing his most fierce scowl at the twins.

“Docking permission granted,” a matronly voice informed them.

“That's all,” Saraea said after a few moment's silence. “They've severed the connection.”

“Never have those three words made me want to run the other way so much in my life,” Kagan said.

“I'm with you on this boss,” said O'Shea. “Let's scedaddle.”

“No!” Alice blurted. “We have to go! They know things. Important things. About us. And if you don't, well, why I'll bludgeon you severely with...” she rummaged around in her pockets briefly before whipping out her weapon with a flourish. “This!”

“That's a tissue,” Kagan pointed out.

“I know,” said Alice, sounding vaguely uncomfortable. “Think about it.”

“Fine,” said Kagan grudgingly. “We'll probably wind up dead. Or enslaved. Or both. But whatever happens it has to be better than having the two of you whinging at me. Besides which, if we try to run, they probably have a tractor beam or some such silly made up device to drag us in anyway. Take us in.”

“Initiating docking procedure,” said Saraea. “Estimated docking time: five minutes.”

“Why does everything take five minutes?” wondered Alice.