[narf poit chez BOOM]

Fear me, for I have meandered back to the Baen Humor forum...

Subject: Groaners
Group: Humor
Author: sanford
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 16:00:58 GMT
Local: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 11:00:58 -0500


1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

5. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

6. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

8. After the petty thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11 When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

13. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

17. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

18. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

23. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

24. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

25. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

26. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

27. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

28. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

29. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

30. A calendar's days are numbered.

31. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

32. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

33. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

34. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

35. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

36. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

37. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

38. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

39. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

40. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Subject: Letter to Senator
Group: Humor
Author: sanford
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 15:58:11 GMT
Local: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 10:58:11 -0500

The Honorable (senator)

Hart Senate Office Building

Phone (202) 224 xxxx

Washington DC, 20510


Dear Senator ,


As a native Iowan and generous contributor to the Internal Revenue Service,

I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.


My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is correct, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.


Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.


Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.


Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.


Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.


If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.


Thank you for your assistance.

Warning: The following may be grossly offensive to certain people.

Subject: requirements to be a full fledged liberal
Group: Humor
Author: sanford
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 15:51:14 GMT
Local: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 10:51:14 -0500

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but “activists” who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas".

ubject: T'was the Night Before Christmas : The Insured Version
Group: Humor
Author: Flyfishing
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 14:36:36 GMT
Local: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 09:36:36 -0500

T'was the night before Christmas (12:01 A.M. 12/25) and all through the
house (single family, joisted masonry, EC3, Territory 44, PC 5) Not a
creature was stirring not even a mouse (vermin exclusion applies.)

The (flame retardant?) stockings were hung by the (contractor installed?)
chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there (in
spite of dead-bolt locks central station alarm system, fenced & lighted
yard)

The children (ages 4,8,14 & 16) were all nestled snug in their beds
(check MVR on 16 year old) While visions of sugar plums danced in their
heads (also check for drug use.)

Mama in her kerchief (a scheduled heirloom) and I in my cap had just
settled down for a long winters nap (disability claim? insured sleeping all day?)

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter (check into condition of
premises, housekeeping etc), I jumped out of bed to see what was the
matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters
(intentional destructive act - no coverage) and threw up the sash . (As
far as we know, insured only wearing a cap in front of uncovered window
- criminal intentional act - no coverage applies)

What to my wondering eyes should appear But a miniature sleigh and 8
tiny reindeer (note: check if sleigh rated business use and corporate
owned, verify rated "long haul"). With a little old driver, so lively
and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick (verify coverage for 600 year old driver; notify life underwriter for possible rating).

More rapid than eagles (check MVR for speeding violations) his coursers
they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name (possible
aggressive driver?):

Now Dasher (turbo equipped?) now Dancer (classic?) now Prancer (check
lifestyle) now Vixen (definitely check lifestyle),
On Comet (possible muscle deer) on Cupid (lifestyle again) on Donner
(4x4) and Blitzen (possible DUI problem?)

To the top of the porch to the top of the wall (check for structural
damage also look into height exposures and required railings), Now dash
away, dash away, dash away all. (check also old man climbing walls either in
great shape or overly medicated?)

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew (aircraft products &
grounding exclusion applies), with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too
(hazardous activity - consider key-man life policy).

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of
each little hoof (check for shingle damage; also classification of
operations, roofing is a prohibited class). As I drew in my head and was
turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound (soot
scrubbed by Santa suit, chimney annual servicing requirement is
fulfilled).

He was dressed all in fur (scheduled items) from his head to his foot
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot (not a named
peril; no coverage applies) A bundle of toys he had flung on his back (Check to see if insured has safety committee, check lifting training) And he looked like
a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes how they twinkled, His dimples how merry, His cheeks were like
roses, His nose like cherry (suspected DUI issues from commiserating
with Blitzen).

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth (tobacco user - surcharge
premium) And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath (check
batteries in smoke alarms to make sure operational). He was chubby and
plump, a right jolly old elf (overweight for height) And I laughed when
I saw him in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had
nothing to dread (stranger enters home without triggering alarm and
insured not worried?? Possible moral exposure here). He spoke not a word, but
went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings; then turned
with a jerk (review workplace for ergonomic compliance). And laying his
finger aside of his nose (obscene gesture/road rage?) And giving a nod,
up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all
flew like the down of a thistle (not likely with fat man and sleigh full of toys. Check GVW for proper classification, Light/Service/Local seems unlikely).

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to
all, and to all a good night!" (Check hours of operation, 24 hour
service operations prohibited. Also check into seasonal nature of
business).




Happy Holidays!