[Darkwind]

by reporter Orangescrags Grapesquiggle

This just in! In a bizarre twist of fate, MA Ulm has attacked a nation known traditionally as the attacker, LA Mictlan. We are told that MA Ulm was helping its serpentine allies in C'tissians of various ages. Anonymous, the Mouth of Monny, has called C'tissians "trusted allies - especially my little Serpent Dancer here"; EA C'tis has not told reporters about how the Serpent Dancer came to Ulm.

The battle involved roughly eighty Ulmish and twenty-five Mictlani lead by the Hell-King of Mictlan, a Moloch, and his personal retinue of unholy hellspawn. The Black Acolyte attending the battle, known as "Alarik", reported being "surprised that I was actually useful; I just expected to, y'know, sit there and bless the Smiths or somethin'". The Mictlani Jaguar Warriors were easily dispatched by the Guardians of MA Ulm; however, the Moloch simply flew towards the Guardians while they were defeating his revered and legendary force and struck back. One of the Smiths, called Anonymous, reported feeling that the Moloch (whose name is unknown; the Mictlani language was too primitive ("oog oog tudd" was one Guardian's rendition of their speech) to understand) was "f9b4ohgodohgodPLEASEHELPMETHENIGHTMAARES". What this means is currently unknown; what is known is that three of the horrifyingly ugly Toad-Priests of LA Mictlan (a strange offshoot from the Atlantians) were present at the battle.

As for the battle itself, much of it consisted of archer volleys and Magma Bolts fired at the pathetically weak Jaguar Warriors and a desperate attempt to even hurt the Moloch. Though the Guardians fled early into the battle after wiping out the last remnants of the Jaguar Warriors, the Black Knights stayed until the very last fell, valiantly attacking the Hell-King of Mictlan and smiting his retinue. The Smiths' Magma Bolts, though they destroyed the Jaguar Warriors, did nothing to harm the absurdly lucky Moloch. In the end, after the last of the Black Knights Fell, the Smiths decided that Monny was better served alive and ran for the hills to join the Guardians and archers.

The Black Knights who gave their lives have been declared holy, and those remains not eaten by the Moloch were cremated in the Forges of Ulm to give strength to those who need it most - those on the frontline, defending their family, their friends, and their country.