High Voice of the Lord
Temple of Tamakeri
Machakan Plain
Machaka 31836
Managing Director
Gods 4 U Plc.
Unit 314c
Ambrosia Business Park
Cloud 5
Limbo
Dear Sir,
While the priesthood of Machaka appreciates the speed at which you supplied the 'God'n'Environment SuperPlus Service
TM', we have some serious reservations over the actual quality of the service. The God Forest was delivered to the wrong location and we received not one, but 5 God Mountains! To make matters worse, not one of these arrived at the right address and our capital now lies in near-permanent shade as the bottom of a deep valley.
On the bright (or at least less shadowed) side, our newly dark conditions are a good growing environment for the giant spiders who's eggs you supplied. We would however have preferred it if the small print explaining the need for incubators had been slightly less well-hidden. I believe that the ambient heat of the caves deep within God Mountain might have been sufficient for the task, but due to the delivery problems mentioned above that possibility remains one for academic debate alone.
Finally, there is the matter of the Pretender you supplied. I am sure that the call center I contacted was outsourced for sound economic reasons, but the agent I spoke with apparently had some difficulty understanding me. I specifically ordered a Colossal Fetish Pretender, and most emphatically
NOT a Pretender with a colossal fetish!! When Tamakeri arrived, his subjects had barely five minutes to worship him before he disappeared into the deepest interrogation level of the temple basement with a dozen sorceresses in tow, and no-one has seen him since. The one initiate we sent in to investigate is no longer capable of lucid conversation bar an occasional muttering about manacles.
In view of the gap between our expectations of your quality of service and the realities we have experienced, I have no choice but to request a full refund.
Yours,
Thunbu
High Voice of the Lord Tamakeri