[Growltigga]

I want a promotion to Head of Interstellar Innovations (with appropriate pay rise), a seat of the Board of Directors, a company battlecruiser with aircon, electric windows and a wave motion gun, and a decent pension scheme.

We can promote you to "Vice President in Charge of Life Recreational Sciences - Narcotics and 'Play' Aids Division". The pay is reasonable but the perks are excellent. The job does carry a board seat (but no voting control), the corporate battlecruiser comes as standard (as does the nitro-kit and heavy weaponry). The pension scheme is non-contributary.

I also want it written into my contract that the company has to give me three months' notice before terminating, executing, exsanguinating, decapitating, incinerating, defenestrating and/or disintegrating me and/ or banishing me to the bottom of the ocean, the depths of space, any desert or polar ice cap, Swindon, any parallel universe(s), alternate religious / ethereal plane(s) of existence and/or any other dimension or dimensions whatsoever (Alternate dimensions excluded in the event that company business compels me to use powerful recreational hallucinogens).

This is a tough one. Standard company terms are 1 minutes notice before terminating, executing, exsanguinating, decapitating, incinerating, defenestrating and/or disintegrating and/ or banishment to the bottom of the ocean, the depths of space, any desert or polar ice cap, Swindon, any parallel universe(s), alternate religious / ethereal plane(s) of existence and/or any other dimension or dimensions whatsoever. Sequestration can have a 3 month notice period which I am happy to give you. I shall also give you 3 months' notice of having your happy sacks waxed or being required to undergo rectal examinations or being banished to Portsmouth. Acceptable?

Furthermore, I want my plush top-floor office back, a guaranteed parking spot outside the Cantina and a pair of ex-FBWs as personal secretaries- both of whom must have been thoroughly trained at both secretarial college and Madame Ooloo's.

Fine on the office (mine is much bigger), the parking spot is also not a problem (just ask the T-Rex to move) and a pair of FBW trained as you describe are standard for middle management.

I also want all junior executives to be compelled to address me as "Your Excellency" and an allowance to pay my personal bodyguard (Dermott, a 200 metre long genetically modified squid.

Apologies, but only I am addressed as "Your excellency" or "Your magnificance" by junior execs, you will have to be addressed as 'my lord" or "effendi".

Dermot I am afraid is a no go, I have already developed plans to use him to make a quick windfall in supplying the calamari and chips market in Greece.

[ August 14, 2002, 11:57: Message edited by: Growltigga ]