[tesco samoa]

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will get a good deal on a major appliance purchase, but that's about it.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher--partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bull**** anyway.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.