[Puke]

Originally posted by dogscoff:
Within seconds, a swarm of genetically enhanced builder-crabs descend upon the cantina, ripping out fixtures and fittings around the very customers. No sooner is the room stripped bare than the industrious crustaceans begin to refit it to look like a genuine Bavarian beer hall, complete with wooden benches, big barrels 'o beer and a stein-swinging oompah band in the corner.

The Kylie clone waitresses and FBWs are sent away to change into their new, highly improbable, Oktoberfest-style bosom enhacing uniforms, and everyone is immediately served (and required to gulp down) two large steins of highly potent CantinaBrau.

Spotting a mysterious energy being sat in the centre of a group of admirers, Dogscoff sists himself at a table next to her, using the energy fields given off to charge his laptop.

mmmm... Oompah bands...

lordy, but i have been away too long. Not having the patience to read back more than two pages, allow me to spew forth my meager mockery of wisdom regarding cartoon violence:

while it is frustrating when arbitrary actions couteract one's intentions, there are a few unspoken rules of cartoon violence, that are all too often violated.

Firstly, you should never contradict someones cartoon violence. If, for example, Puke smacked 'Scoff with a rolled up newspaper, Dogscoff would not then say "but el vomito actually missed." He would instead retort that "the newspaper was made from substandard stock, and desentigrates on impact, leaving puke unarmed while umpaloompas bludgeon him with large wooden spoons." Thus, cartoon violence becomes an excercise of wits, not pedantic he-said she-said.

secondly, out of respect for the first rule, people should avoid trumps, and ultimate unbeatable situations. things like "I retreat to my fallout shelter seconds before my tactical nuclear warhead vaporizes Dogscoff, who was without his radiation suit +2" should simply never be said.

thirdly, in order to avoid cartoon escelation and proliforation on a scale only containable by international cartoon disarmament treaties, people should aim for self deprication. if a battle is heating up, take the fall youself. describe the other person clocking you, instead of the other way around. that way, you get to go out with style, rather than settling for how they would have phrased it. next time, you will get to do it to them. no one really keeps score, the important thing is to have a funny punchline.

Lastly, Taz, pour me a Spaten from the tap. an Optimator, please. and a round of Belgian ale for the Oompah band, between sets.