Re: Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong\'s Head Cantina - After Hours
"Ahem" says the solicitor, the cantina goes quiet as the senior partner from Robbem, Screwem & Scarper opens up the Last will and testament (in tiger stripes of course)..
"The late Mr Growltigga left a personal estate, following the payment of probate taxes and my fees, of 5,000,000 minerals. He also left various, ahem, personal items, as well as his half share in the Cantina. He also left an interesting and dare I say unusual array of bequests.
Turning to the Cantina, This worthwhile (if slightly sordid and unpleasant) establishment has a book value of 20,000,000 minerals, but unfortunately, the outstanding bar tabs and health & safety fines are currently standing at 30,000,000 minerals, so the interest in the cantina is proprietory only. Mr Growltigga reqires that his share in the cantina be held in trust ad infinitum for the FBW's, the Byzantine Horde of Vicious Nasty Insane Killer Mongooses, Hiram Baraldo Methuselah III (apparently, a large dinosaur of the phylum Homocidus Bitus Rexus) and a Moroccan chap called Abdul and his, ahem, Berber horde, and descendants.
With regard to his majority shareholding in Tigg-Scoff PLC, the late Mr Growltigga requires that his shares (and all income deriving therfrom) be held in trust for Gryphin, Mac, Taz, Saxon and Mephisto with the strick proviso, and I quote, "that that nasty two-faced vicious bastard Dogscoff doesn't ever getr his hands on them".
Turning to the cash, Mr Growltigga has left 1,000,000 minerals to be spent on, and again I quote, "a bloody great big party where everybody get's drunk, get's naked and ends up lying in a great big pile".
Turning to the personal bequests, Mr Growltigga leaves the following sums:
To the FBW's, 500,000 minerals so that they can buy some new underwear
To Ronald, chief of the Byzantine Killer Mongoose Horde, 500,000 minerals to give his boys a good time for being loyal, sadistic and evil minded buggers
To Hiram Baraldo Methuselah III, 500,000 minerals so that he can buy all the accountants he wants to eat..
To Abdul and the berber horde, 500,000 minerals so that he can make sure that Rags get's the kicking he deserves for assaulting Abdul with a baguette.
To Geoschmo, 100,000 minerals to keep PBW going as I am sure they will miss the great Kat's occassional contributions
To Dogscoff, 100,000 minerals provided that he is only entitled to this money if he dresses up like Joey Tempest from Europe and sings The Final Countdown for the next 5 years. He also gets the large tub of Dogpoo out the back of the cantina
To Taz, 100,000 minerals to buy doggy drops, dental cleaner and shampoo as a thank you for being a loyal barkeep, he also gets unlimited sampling rights for all beverages in the bar He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Gryphin, 100,000 minerals for being a great chap, a good business partner and the boston sex-fiend, he also gets Growltigga's collection of marital aids and all the Kylie and Shania clones he can handle He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Mac, 100,000 minerals for being a lovely old duffer, and in hope that he lives long enough to spend it. He also gets the Liz Hurley clone Growltigga was keeping upstairs He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Raging Deadstar, 100,000 minerals as he is a poor bugger from Cumbria who needs all the help he can get to sort out his inferiority complex. He also gets a vat of booze and all the feminine attention from the FBW's he can handle. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Ragnarok, 100,000 minerals as well as a ding round the head fortnightly from Growltigga's favourite cricket bat. He also get's the red hot poker hand cannon on the strict proviso that he terminates dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To David Gervais, 100,000 minerals for being an all round good chap, provided that he buys himself a toupe and drops the hawaiian shirts. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Geoschmo, 100,000 minerals for always being a laugh, and for standing in for Growltigga when he needed a surrogate to control the Federation. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Primitive, 100,000 minerals for being a worthy opponent, and frankly any musclebound oil smearing Norwegian nancy boy needs all the help he can get. He also gets Growltigga's collection of heavy weaponry. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Saxon, 100,000 minerals for being a poor Canadian moose kisser who needs all the help he can get. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Mephisto, 50,000 minerals for being Growltigga's favourite bratwurst munching Esel. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Mlmbd, 50,000 minerals, provided he promises to spend it on a really hedonistic lifestlye. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Puke, 50,000 minerals provided he promises to spend it on beer and women. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Imperator Fyron, 50,000 minerals provided he uses it for physiatric help for his complex. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Aloofi, 25,000 minerals to write the definitive work on the differences between Speed and Thrash metal. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
To Stone Mill, 25,000 minerals to spend on loose food and greasy women, he also gets Growltigga's leather thong (the one's with the studs on the inside). He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice
The residue of Growltigga's estate is to be used to hire the nastiest meanest most evil sadistic SOB you can find in order to terminate Dogscoff with extreme prejudice, or preferably a large axe.
This is also subject to the express wish of the testator that Dogscoff's genitalia be removed as painfully as possible and used as a rugby ball in next years' Six Nations tournament
This is the Last will and testament of Growltigga the Great....
Cue gregorian monks, sobbing and gnashing of teeth
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