[Wardad]

Your problem's lying in your bed," the director said to me,
"Murder is easy if you take it logically.
It's more fun if he's struggling to get free,"
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover.

She said, "it's really not my habit to be rude,
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued,
But the film won't sell if he's only getting screwed,"
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover.

Just stab him in the back, Pat,
Shoot out his spleen, Kathleen,
Poison his tea, Dee,
Before he gets his hands free....

Just feed him some Spam, Ma'am
No need to disguise it much...
It'll take him out clean.

She said, "it grieves me so to see you pause again,
I wish you'd do it so we'd print this scene by ten."
I said, "I appreciate that, and would you please explain
About the fifty ways?"

The director said, "we'll rehearse it again tonight,
And I'm sure that when we film it, the scene will go just right;"
She gave me an icepick and then I saw the light--
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover!

Just blow out his brains, Jane,
Set fire to his yacht, Dot,
Cut the brake hose, Rose,
And then the plot flows....

Just feed him some Spam, Ma'am
No need to disguise it much...
It'll take him out clean.