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[Growltigger]

The camera pans back, reminiscient of the opening of the battle of sterling in Braveheart. The battle lines are forming, and initial skirmishing is going on to boot.....

A ballistae fires its steely arrow, adroitly ripping off the female T-Rex costume off what turns out to be 4 Fu Man Chu lookalikes on a tricycle clutching a boombox playing the sound track to Jurassic Park. A flurry of fiery arrows turns them into wantons.. (that old 4 chinaman in a comedy T-Rex outfit never works!)

The torrent of country music is drowned out by the sound of bells and whistles, Raging Deadstar and his nasty army of conservatives, knights and were-gerbils runs gibbering in terror when the evil band of bearded social workers and maths teachers comes charging out of GT's battleline all garbed up as morris dancers....hell hath no fury like a middle aged tosser in bells and whistles waving handerchiefs and who, I might add, should really know better....

The heavy artillery loads up the greek fire, flaming projectiles and stink bomb gas, as well as the anti-Cumbrian evil boll weevil knacker nibbling parasite bombs - boy, is RD going to get it...

GT shrugs off the welsh colours, urinates on the paint, waves his magic wand, and turns RD into a fey canadian rugby player, just before the whole Springbok first fifteen charge onto him....

Woundwort, finding out that the dampening field has stopped his vanishing trick, disappears under an nasty horde of mongooses....

and what silly sod is bring cobras to the party, mongooses eat cobras!!

[General Woundwort]

With an electric WHOOMP, mongooses fly in all directions as Woundwort activates a Personal Shield generator he found at a trader's booth in the Arrakis bazaar.

"Boss, I've fulfilled my end of the contact from day one. I paid for that Starfury cantina twice over, from my own pocket. I even came here to offer moral support for your onslaught when all the other old customers were out for your blood. And this is the thanks I get! Okay, fine! If that's the way we're gonna play - LET'S ROCK!"

Rapidly punching buttons on his wrist computer, Woundwort opens a door in the back of the cantina. Out of the door pours a horde of heavily modified pinwheel attack droids, who begin to lay waste to the legions of mongooses and whatever else GT has to throw at them.

[Power Man]

Power Man loads up the CATaplut with some items and fires into GT's army.
The CATaplut launches several large picture books into the middle of the teachers and social workers.
These are not just Any books. They are CATalogs !! As they hit the ground a change comes over GT's troops.
The math teachers grab the books up and start building Log and even Log-Log tables.
The social workers grab up the books and start recording their life Works as Log entries.
Soon the whole army so tired they fall asleep. Their snores sound like Logs being sawed.

GT is so busy he does not see a large CATbird fly through the roof and drop off a chilled can of tonic by his side. GT turns back and sees the can of tonic.
Felling the need to replenish his body fluids, and thinking : "Finally this must be a drink from David ", GT POPS the top and drains the can in one Belch Inducing gulp.

Only then does he read the label. DR. Franks CATatonic Drink. For a paralyzing DEEP SLEEP this can't be beet.
GT is filled with TERROR !!! He falls to the ground with a fit of CATaplexy. His limbs go numb, he can't move or speak. Soon he lies there in a CATatonic state.

As for the mongooses, I did say these are SSuper SSpecial SSPiting Cobrasss .
The mongoose can't eat what they can't catch!!
A Special Squad of the SSuper SSpecial SSPiting Cobrasss streak to Woundwort's aid.
The mongooses turn to meet their Arch Enemies.
As they approach the mongooses the the Cobras let fly with streams of venom.
The SSuper SSpecial venom hits the mongoose where it has a CATolitic effect. It causes the mongoose to burst into FLAME!! Soon a fowl SMELL fills the area as mongooses are all burnt up.
It appears that the mongeese's goose is cooked.

Hay Taz you can now add Roast Mongoose to your CATalog of food items…

Just look at all the neet things that start with CAT.

[Raging Deadstar]

*Raging Deadstar quickly dives to the left of the incoming various sharp objects. He reaches to his side and pulls out the patented "Ghastly Art Student Colour Scheme Paintball Gun". Opening fire (With a rather relaxing thud-thud-thud automated firing sound) on the helpless masses of remainging Mongooses and Morris Dancers. Who, it must be said, rather promptly run in fear from the terrible paint schemes covering them*

"Release the Censors!!!" RD Shouts as hundreds of Censorship people flood the cantina accusing GT Of gross violence and dubious methods that are unacceptable...blah blah...blah...blah...Oh good they're done!

*Maliki walks over to the more lethal weapon next to him, the mounted harpoon gun, loads it and laughs as it fires into the foray of enemies! It might have took out some censors but they are cannon fodder anyway *

[Growltigger]

Right, outnumbered 3 to 1, surrounded by foes, ganged up on by nasty Americans and a Cumbrian, it is time to get creative......

OK, dealing with foes in order of posting...

Strike 1

General Woundwort obvious forgets that there is a dampening field in place over all the cantina, which means that all electronic gagdetry has no effect....

Mongooses briefly fly in all directions when said Woundwort stands up, but we are talking about the 3rd light infantry of the 5th Legion, the fearsome "knacker nibblers" and hell hath no fury like an armoured mongoose denied his knacker nibbling for a second... the mongooses dive back in, and Woundwort is encased in a writhing mass of knacker nibbling anger...

GT strides out of the lines and kicks said virginian in the bonce. "Listen sunny jim, you know the terms for the old cantina, you read the contract. This is what is called an event of default, the event is what is happening now, the default is what is going to happen next"..

A killer mongoose greek fire team marches up to the great kat, and at his directions, inserts the nozzle of their bellows up Woundwort's rectum.

"Old business pardner (I believe you Americans say), this is going to hurt you more than its hurts me.. mongooses away, fire crew shoot."

Woundwort leaves the cantina in a bottom related inferno....

the pinwheel robots, being technological devices, clatter forward two feet, and then fall over on some were-gerbils.

Strike 2

GT walks over to the strange figure, sitting in the corner of the cantina, and smoking what can only be described as the hugest reefer known to mankind.

"Power Man old chap" says the mighty, but considerate cat, "I do not know what type of mary jane you have in that thing, but it has scrambled your marbles, and you are hallucinating, may be you should sit this one out"

GT leaves the wretched old druggee snoozing and toking out in his corner...

And by the way, mongeese has ablative armour

Strike 3

RD dives to the left, right into the path of the buzzsaw shuriken launched from a particular unpleasant rodent crewed cannon.. the paint balls bounce of the armoured torsos of the Byzantine legions mailed warrior mongooses who, it is true, are slightly alarmed by the gibbering cumbrian sausage scoffer being awfully strange in front of them..

true, the marshalled hordes retreat from the censors, but not when GT fires up the betsy the bloody hot and painful battle axe and charges into the fray.

Gore sprays everywhere, that's for my mum, that's for my dad, that's for my aunt nelly, that's for my aunt lucy, that's for uncle jim bless him, that's for grandpa albrecht, that's for cousin gale (grrrrr), that's for my bro, that's for my step-bro, that's for cousin susan.................................... that's for cousin brian... that's for my sis...

Pity for the censors I have got such a big family....

Gore is spread all over the cantina, the censors are annihilated and splattered in bits all over the shop...

GT signals the artillery corp, the damn great red hot poker 4000mm pain howitzer fires, and this Maliki person disappears in a bLast of ash, cinders and a rather quick scream of "ouch"...

RD living proof that Cumbrians snog otters

[primitive]

Originally posted by Growltigger:
.
.
.

Someone calm down those evil ninja mutant shrimp

Primitive enters the cantina carrying some baguettes (not the flaming type), a jar of mayonnaise and a landing net.

Get some water cooking Taz, shrimp sandwiches coming up !!!

[General Woundwort]

The mongooses stare in confusion as the Woundwort they attack fades into nothingness.

"Oh, come on, Boss, you didn't think I'd leave myself open to that sort of treatment, did you? Electroncs, schmectronics. Quantum-level technology, that's the ticket."

From the rear ranks, a quantum shielded Woundwort reappears, picks up a barstool and starts racking up a score of mongooses.

WHACK
"One!"
WHACK
"Two!"

"Hey RD! Two already! There's plenty enough for the both of us, may the best score win!"

WHACK
"Three!"

(and, well, you get the idea...)

[mac5732]

As the crowd swoops down on the poor old wizen one, as they are about to rend him, limb from limb, they stop, frozen in their tracks, shortly they turn around and go back to their tables to watch the bloodshed being waged within the confines of the cantina between the Furry Feline and his mutinous minions. The wize one just smiles, and slips something back into his pocket. Ahh it works he mumbles and he lifts his brewski towards the waring factions in toast to their steadfast and continuing cartoon violence. He looks towards Renegade and smiles.. aahh if he only knew what is about to happen to him.... he laughs..... take my pizza and you pay the piper...

just some ideas mac

[Renegade 13]

As he's foiled again, Renegade pauses in his plotting to take a look at the chaos surrounding him. Fortunatly, there's still a perch available to watch the action Nimbly jumping about 20 feet in the air, Renegade lands lightly on the rafter of the Cantina. With clear surroundings, Renegade can now watch with amusement the other Cantina patrons attempting to rend each other limb from limb.

"This is for you Mac, you selfish old coot!! Not let me steal your pizza huh?"

Dropping his (rather heavy) titanium beer mug on the noggin of Mac, Renegade laughs with delight as the wizened one sways on his feet for a couple seconds, then crumples in a sodden heap....right in the middle of the knacker nibbling mongooses

[ April 27, 2004, 04:14: Message edited by: Renegade 13 ]

[Growltigger]

Growltigga smirks to himself. His arch-nememis, that wretched virgin Woundwort has retired from the battle, with his tail well and truly between his legs.

The smirk is wiped off his face when he hears RD's words.

"Listen you inbred Cumbrian sausage fiddling morris dancing missing link, my work is based in Manchester. I live in Cheshire, and I AM FROM GOD'S OWN EARTH, LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE AND PROOF THAT THE GARDEN OF EDEN WAS ENGLISH, YES KENT, Canterbury to be exact. Anyone suggesting I talk with a stupid accent and come from oop north is acting for trouble".

GT wades threw the throng, grabs RD by the throat and proceeds to choke the life out of the wretch, whilst bashing his head against the floor.

GT is slightly put off when the cumbrian farmers charge toward the fray. Thinking quickly, he turns to them and says "Lads, what are you doing here? there is a barn dance going on in Carlisle and all your female cousins are there, and they are all about 14 years old". Where once was a crowd of angry Cumbrian farmers, now all that can be seen is a puff of dust and a streak of something moving rapidly up the M6.

GT looks at the Cat from Red Dwarf, and says, "Pllluueeeaaaasssee, the only thing that smells good in here is Me, (damn I love this aftershave)"

RD awaits his evil plan to come to fruition, whilst being throttled and having his head banged with some force against the floor