Jokes and Riddles Centre

[AdmiralMartin]

Watch Your Mouth

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Some more from the baen forum:

Subject: The Twelve Bugs of Christmas - Unix
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 Dec 2005 08:35 PM
Originally Posted: 18 Dec 2005 09:47 PM
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

Subject: How To Wrap A Cat . . .
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 Dec 2005 03:45 PM
Originally Posted: 18 Dec 2005 04:57 PM
How To Wrap A Cat . . .


1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut
door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc. . .

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the
paper.

16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the
present came in.

17. Place present on paper.

18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't
reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent
sticky tape.

20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.

21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve
ribbon.

23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's
enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right
size for sheet of paper.

27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked
room.

30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper
and materials.

31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and
relock.

32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear
cat from outside door)

33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small
area of the toilet, but do your best)

34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt
through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last
year as well.

35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to
make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst
areas.

37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on
completing a difficult job.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

Subject: The life raft
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Dec 2005 10:00 PM
Originally Posted: 16 Dec 2005 11:11 PM
I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of
buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform.

My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked.
(Don't ask, I never did).
What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that
they issue to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I couldn't wait to test
it, so I called Jason, and told him to come on over.

I took the back seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down.
This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without the hatch.
Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed up. They
had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the
raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and
Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off.

I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of the area lakes.
The windows were down and the hot August wind was roaring through the
car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend started complaining about
the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled in her hair.
I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and gave it a
good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window.

Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yepp, that darned
raft started to inflate right there in the VW! It takes about 15
seconds for one of those things to inflate, and for the first 5
seconds or so I was frozen with something of a mixture fear,
amazement, and a sense of "this really can't be happening!'' In the
6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering
wheel hard enough that I couldn't really see where I was going, and
started pushing the windows that weren't down out of their frames,
and onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the raft was fully
inflated. I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was
going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on the road.

By this time the real chaos had started. The girls were screaming
their fool heads off, Jason was laughing like an idiot, and the
Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me when all this
started had turned on his siren.

I finally got the car to the center median, and stopped. I got hold
of the door handle to open the door and pulled. The door shot open,
and the raft exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I
got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop laughing so
hard he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time
breathing.

I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft
started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again and
somewhat coherent.

He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever
seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket. He said no, he just
wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we
could and
went back to my place.

The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that all
that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside
the car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had
talked to the OHP cop.

Groaner Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to
be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so
no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one
it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff
honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed.
"Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when
he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF
HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and
some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until
the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps
forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have
written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance
to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only
thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

[narf poit chez BOOM]

And a funny quote:

Subject: Re: It's quiet... too quiet...
Author: Leon Brooks
Date: 08 Jan 2006 09:21 PM
Originally Posted: 08 Jan 2006 10:34 PM
William Anderson wrote on Monday 09 January 2006 06:38 [interspersed]:
> You have encountered the "obsolescence" rule about computers. If you
> can buy it at the store, it's already obsolete.

The ditty goes like this:

I bought a new computer
it came fully loaded
the warranty was for ninety days
but in thirty 't'was outmoded.

Cheers: Leon

--
"Okay, it's not the best plan I've ever been part of, but at least
its doing something. If it doesn't work, there is always Plan B."

"Colonel, there is no Plan B."

"There will be if we need it."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Some goodies from the Baen humor forum again:

Subject: TOMBSTONE
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 06:03 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:18 PM
Three tipsy Irishmen were in a cemetery, searching for the oldest person buried there. One of the men, Shamus, yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Subject: BEST THING
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 06:02 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:16 PM
A reporter is interviewing a 104-year-old woman. The reporter asks, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" The woman replies, "No peer pressure."

Subject: CAT AND MOUSE
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 05:57 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:12 PM
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Subject: LONG-HAUL DRIVER
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 08:54 AM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 10:09 AM
Two men are chatting at a roadside diner, and one discovers that the other is a long-haul truck driver. The man says to the truck driver, "I'd love to drive a big rig, but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "I have a trick to stay awake," says the truck driver. "I just put a $100 bill in my left hand and hold it out the window."

I saw this one on the Baen forums and decided to share it. (You can thank me later...after I've had a running start.)

Subject: Snicker, snort
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 05 Feb 2006 05:07 AM
Originally Posted: 05 Feb 2006 06:22 AM

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U...

[Randallw]

Real Monkey style (ok, yes I know it's an ape)

http://www.youtube.com/w/Martial-Art...0arts%20monkey

There's Monkey Kung-Fu as well but that's just some master doing Kata.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

There's only one responce to something like that..."MONKEY NINJAS!! ATTACK!!!!"

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I checked the Baen humour forum...Fear! Feeeear!!...

Subject: And now a word from our legal department:.....
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 10 Aug 2006 11:57 PM
And now a word from our legal department:.....

This is a test. It is only a test. If this were not a test, it would not
be called test. Therefore, it is still a test and only a test. This test
is not to be confused with an emergency test. For that is an old test.
Those who created this test need no embellishment for they have already
passed this test and you need to pass this test as well.

If you received this test with prior notification that you were about to
receive this test, then it would be safe to say that you too are part of
this test. However, if you were not part of this test and received it,
then you could pass this test to the person or persons who should have
received this test on their behalf.

If you want to take this test, then you are most welcome to take this
test as long as you too pass this test. The pathway to the success of
this test leads the way to two kinds of constraints, those that pass the
test and those that do not pass the test. However, if you fail this test
it will go on record that you to have not succeeded in passing this
test.

Please note, that anyone not authorized to take this test, will be in
violation of test requirements and therefore their participation in this
test will be known as an invalid test. It is in the judgment of the test
committee, that, test management immediately disqualifies all invalid
tests. Empowered with this new understanding we could create more
assertive tests.

For those of you who have any questions about this test they should
write them down and send them to the test committee whereby they will
have a meeting to discuss the further possibilities of having still
another test.

In the meantime, Thank you for taking part in this test. This concludes
this test.

Signed,
Test Management

P.S. A warning is hereby given to those who have been granted permission
to take this test, they should never seek council after taking this
test.

I made sense of most of that; how about you?

Subject: Ooops by 2
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 08 Aug 2006 04:15 AM
I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment with a
highly recommended stylist. I was told customers were taken on a walk-in
basis only.
On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m., only to learn that it was that
hairdresser's day off. I drove to another salon, but it was booked
solid. Still another had no openings.
The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted
me at the door. "That was fast," he said cheerfully. "Your hair looks
great!"

------------------------------



Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in
Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special.
When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would
sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell,"
the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

You know you're in an Australian Summer when....

1.The best parking space is determined by shade
instead of distance.

2.Hot water comes out of both taps.

3.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding iron.

4.The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a
little chilly.

5.You discover that in February it only takes two
fingers to steer your car.

6.You discover that you can get sunburnt through
your car window.

7.You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

8.You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

9.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

10.You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

11. While walking back barefoot to your car from the
beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.

12.You catch a cold from having the aircon full
blast while you sleep during the night.

13.You pray that your train will have air-conditioning, and if it
doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth it.

Grumpy, Australia

Considering that it was 0 degrees last night - roll on Spring!
dave

And the thread's good, too

Subject: Ethnicity
Author: Dan Neely
Date: 07 Aug 2006 06:06 PM
My dad is Icelandic, my mother Cuban. I'm an icecube.

I'm english, irish, scottish, welsh and german with a possible spot of russian. Somewhere in there is rumurs of gypsy and american indian (One of my uncles was actually mistaken for an american indian by the national geographic, among other things.).

Guess that explains why I'm so confused...

Subject: You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 05:10 AM
You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .

*You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
*You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
*Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
*You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
*When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three
bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
*Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
*You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
*You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
*The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
*You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the
pool.
*You own more than three large coolers.
*You wish that other people would get hit by a hurricane and not feel
the least bit guilty about it.
*You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take
gallon of gas to get there and back"
*You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your
freezer
*Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can
assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
*You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
*You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance
policy.
*You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
*At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
*You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
*There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
*You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work
at the Weather Channel.
*Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
*Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
*Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
*Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
*You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
*You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a
tree worker.
*A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
*You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
*Your child's first words, "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
*Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
Christmas.
*Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
*You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad
side."
*Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
*You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

Subject: Camping Chips
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 05:07 AM
Camping Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of
your underwear.

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

*A large carp can be used for a pillow.

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn

camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

*The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

*It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

*Effective January 1, 2000, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

*Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
a snoring tent mate.

I get the feeling some of those are not to be taken seriously.

Subject: I don't blame him
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:58 AM
A woman, her husband, and their three very rambunctious young sons were in
their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car
next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last
baby, I want to try for a daughter."

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said,
"Here, have another cookie."

Subject: Problem solved
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:55 AM

The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having
trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.
Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the
tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed
his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly
called him back, "Hey, where's your lift ticket?"

"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow."

At this, the two operator produced an ax and, with two
blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis,
just ahead of his toes.

With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator
lowered his ax and turned to the crowd, "Anyone else out
there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"

Subject: Zinger!
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:50 AM
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a
hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became
more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package
had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect
me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good
health."

Subject: Ooops
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:48 AM
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They
stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found
the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

[Randallw]

ALthough I live in the coldest state I can verify the following Australian summer items.

2,5,and 10

[Renegade 13]

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

---------------------------------------------

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a deep valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk.

---------------------------------------------

Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time and this should help to get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[narf poit chez BOOM]

That second one was especially good.