Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong's Head Cantina - After Hours

[Growltigga]

The inspectors walk over to the kitchen.... "my god" one of them cries, "we have a code 3 offence here"...

Growltigga is sobbing into his hands, Dogscoff is looking worried and Gryphin is looking constipated.....

"Dont you know that keeping fanatical killer mongoose staffed comical mediaval armies in the kitchen is seriously illegal" says one of the inspectors, "that is an automatic minus 50,000 points"

"and what are we going to see when we look into that large fridge?"

"and what is large bowel of dogpoo on the cooker marked "Mac's special chilli?"

"and why is there the remains of a 400 foot long genetically modified giant squid in that fish cooker?"

"and why are the cupBoards infested by assorted woodland creatures dressed in fake chainmail?"

Growltigga frantically waves to one of the FBW's and tells her to put some clothes on, clean up the, ahem, office and to get the pygmies out of the lavatory FAST

[dogscoff]

While the health inspectors pore over the various violations in the kitchen, Dogscoff slips quietly out to the car park to summon Barry.

He returns to the kitchen with the T-Rex, who has just been promised a sizeable bonus if he'll give the health inspectors a very personal demonstration of our food preparation techniques. Barry is standing just about to bite the head off the nearest inspector when he turns and bonks Barry on the snout with his clipboard.

"Attempting to eat a member of the Galactic Health and Safety executive is a very serious offence. Attempting to do so without first ensuring that he is properly gutted and cooked in a hygenic environment is even more serious. Minus 60000 points.

Also, prehistoric carnivores over 30 tonnes in weight fall under subsection 2.77 of the dangerous animals act. Furthermore I think I can smell fetid chunks of Anklyosaurus meat in between its teeth, which represents a serious hygeine hazard in this food preparation area. Minus 35000 points."

Barry, who is very sensitive about his breath problem, runs from the Cantina in tears.

[Growltigga]

Growltigga, tears in his eyes at the severity of the points being deducted from the cantina, rushes back to his private commode where he proceeds to vent his anxiety in the most solid way possible....

Summoning Dogscoff and Gryphin, he asks them to come up with a cunning plan to get the cantina out of this unholy mess it has gotten itself into!!

[dogscoff]

Dogfscoff, holding his nose and averting his eyes from 'Tigga's source of relief, suggest either bribery or full scale Lobster detonation.

[Growltigga]

Hmmmm... says Growltigga, screwing up his eyes and forcing a particularily large bit of anxiety out, bribery could be good given that the fines are going to financial demolish Tigg-Scoff PLC, detonation of the exploding lobsters may just result in more fines (but could possibly wipe out the evidence).. we have tried extreme violence, do you think, excuse me, plop plop, it could be worth persuading the FBW's to try and catch the inspectors in compromising positions??

[dogscoff]

The FBW plan might work, but on the other hand it might backfire if they try to do anything the inspectors consider "unhygenic". We have to do something though, look at some of the stuff on this list:

Item: One half empty bottle of Vaxin absynthe. You do realise that this is the stuff they make kamikaze warheads out of don't you? Minus 22000 points.

Item: A severed arm found in the dishwasher. Minus 12000 points.

Item: An extreme number of customers' battlemoons parked in orbit above the Cantina causing unwanted gravitational effects for the entire system. Minus 200000 points.

Just to remind you of the Galactic Health and safety points scale:

80 to 100 points: Exemplary H&S procedures.
50 to 79 points: Good H&S procedures. Cleanliness and safety not considered an issue. Some room for improvement.
30 to 49 points: Satisfactory H&S. No work needed to comply with legal requirements, although many improvements could be made.
1 to 29 points: Borderline H&S, improvements reccomended. Enforcement at disscretion of visiting H&S official.
-30 to 0 points: Bad H&S. Immediate minor improvements required. Establishment may stay open while improvements are made.
-60 to -31 points: Major, immediate work required. Establishment to be closed while improvements are made.
-100 to -61 points: Grave H&S violations. Closure of premises required while work is carried out, business owner must then re-apply for H&S permits.
-200 to -101 points: Deliberate flouting of H&S procedures. Owner may be liable for criminal prosection.
-400 to -201 points: Establishment poses serious threat to surrounding community. Recommend immediate demolition and purging of entire area.
-800 to -401: This score only awarded to disease ridden, radioactive swamps which are home to maurauding rabid killer mutant sludge beasts.

Notice that the score doesn't go below -1000, because no-one has ever scored that low. Our score is currently at around -400000 and dropping rapidly...

[ November 12, 2002, 17:18: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigga]

Oh lordy, we is going down and no mistake

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by dogscoff:
Item: A severed arm found in the dishwasher. Minus 12000 points.

I thought Taz cleaned all the Ninja parts out of there.

While the health inspectors are busy checking the kitchen area Geo scurries about picking up any remaining pieces of his various heads that might have been missed by Taz's apparently less than throurough nightly cleaning. Don't want to make things any worse than they already are.

[Raging Deadstar]

*Storms over to the cantina from his precariously hovering dreadnought, after a bad week, hoping to drown his sorrows and rage he heads towards the cantina when... A health inspector complains that the ship is hovering above the van and order RD to knock off the engines*

~Sigh~ *doing so numerous accounts of verbal abuse can be heard from the driver of the flattened van

Walks over to a table in the dark cornor with a bottle of absynthe that was in a basket labelled "do not touch - Health Hazard" assuming this is gt's way of disposing of unwanted stock RD Takes one but is halted by yet another inspector*

"One fully armed leader of the deadstar continuum, those tachyon projectile missile loaded phasers are Banned! Minus 1000, carrying Banned bottle of alchohol, minus 500, sitting in an overly brooding corner, minus 700 pts"

*The resulting inspector can be heard dissolving into a pile of vaporised as RD's week procedes to get worse...*

"Oh well, wheres the new establishment, a swedish lodge? a beach hut? or the bar from the large tigga scoff party stadium? Also i believe that the FBW's wouldn't be in any unhygenic positions, maybe the use of their construction sized cheese graters and strimmers would though..."

*picks up one of geoschmos old heads and hides it behind his back so the health inspector doesn't see*

[ November 12, 2002, 18:22: Message edited by: Raging Deadstar ]

[Erax]

You banished the vegetable god who was dumping onions on your head evry time you said "onions", now he has no way to get to you, so he won't be throwing onions at the Cantina any more.
Saying "onions" has just become harmless.