Once Upon The Stars (Updated 08-22-04)

[Sabin]

Here is the link to the first page of my own story. Thank you.

http://www.shrapnelgames.com/cgi-bin...3;t=011023;p=2

[dogscoff]

AT: Just got round to reading it, nice to see everything coming together. I'll ask again though, any chance of posting the entire story somewhere? It would be much easier to read that way than picking through this thread.

As for the nukes... remember that a nuke fired against a target in space (ie against a ship in se4 combat) would be far less devastating than one that detonates in a planetary atmosphere, because in space there is nothing to carry the bLast wave.

[Atrocities]

Once I have the rewrite done I don't see a problem with posting it somewhere.

[Ruatha]

Still intriguing.
Want more!

--------------------------------------
No complaints about the substance but some about the grammar and spelling.
I'm swedish and we don't seperate words as much as the english language does, so some of these corrections might be wrong, there where more wordseperations aswell but I'm uncertain as to how it's handled in the english language.

Hey, I only know two languanges, english and swedish and I don't know any of them perfectly!
so some spelling suggestions are propably wroong, I'm quite uncertain about "aide" especially!

Anyway, the story is so good that I'd like the spelling errors corrected, the auto spellers suck!
If you want me to stop critizing say so and I'll happily oblige, but I'd appreciate if anyone checked my stories.

Ruatha
------------------

arms out stretched
A space to much I think.

They dragged me onto the bridge and dropped me on the deck right in front of him as he sat in a command chair that look a lot like a thrown.”
Should be throne.

of your life rotting away in the hell of my dudgeons!”
dungeons

now sitting cross legged on his thrown.
crosslegged and throne

You many win this war Devon
may

“You’re mad!” Hissed Tom as he quicky came to his feet and was stomach punched by the rifle butt of one of his Alliance guards
Tom is allowed to bring his alliance guards with him??


and it drove him down on one knee but he never took his eyes off of Gore
Hadn't he just drawn himself up to kneeing position?

by slammed him face down
slamming

hand and started to slowly stood
stand up perhaps?

regards to you’re farther
your and father

and it hurt to breath.
breathe ??

what was no expected
now

Tom thought for moment, there was something else, some familiar now.
was it something or someone?

of the bridge exists
exits

standing out side watching as the great
outside

see Richard, his aid, as he came
aide ???

just barely out ran the bLast
outran

[Ruatha]

Coming more soon???
Wants some!

[Atrocities]

Not very many people read stories any more.

[Ruatha]

But we are some who eagerly awaits all new episodes....

Good stuff.

Btw, do you want me to spell/grammar check or is it just annoying? (Won't do it anymore..promise)

[ March 09, 2004, 18:28: Message edited by: Ruatha ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

here and there, occasionally.

that segment was good.

[Atrocities]

Thanks guys.

I am re-writing the whole story as I go, and that is a time consuming process of epic proportions. There are over 80,000 words in this story, and I think I just added another 10,000 in the Last five hours.

It is easy to lose focus of the story when you don't work on it for a long time. Even with good notes, it can be difficult to get back into it.

I hope the re-write clears up a lot of grey areas and adds more depth and character development to the story.

[CNCRaymond]

A nice read. Good work. Look forward to reading more soon.