Jokes and Riddles Centre

[David E. Gervais]

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

* You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

* Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

* No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

* You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

* there's a giant rubber band stretching the length of the compartment. DON'T ask.

* there's another giant rubber band stretching the length of the rundway. DEFINATLY DON'T ask.

[Wardad]

I enjoyed the airline joke David.
----------

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV &Radio...

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed Last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:
"Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me Last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics -
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio -
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977-
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator -
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator -
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[Loser]

Oh my!

Are all of those uncontrived?

[Wardad]

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles Last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church Last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles Last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

[narf poit chez BOOM]

LOL

[Wardad]

For when you're bored.

This will driving you crazy.

Use your mouse to control the fly swatter...

http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

[narf poit chez BOOM]

400, only missed 2 the first time. then i quit, cause i've got other things to do. but it does get challenging around 400. it's just boring to get there.

[Wardad]

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as the subset of set M and answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.....

[ September 11, 2003, 19:37: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

A professor is doing an experiment on a frog. He cuts off a leg and says, "Jump frog jump!" The frog jumps. The professor takes note of this and cuts off another leg. Again he says, "Jump frog jump!" With difficulty the frog jumps. Writing this down he cuts off another leg and says, "Jump frog jump!" Somehow the frog manages to jump. The professor then cuts off the Last leg and says, "Jump frog jump!"

The frog doesn't jump. Again the professor says, "Jump frog jump!" Still the frog doesn't jump. He came to the conclusion that a frog with no legs is deaf.