Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

Tesco - that's funny now.
Maybe it will not be funny ten years from now.
Did you ever read: "It Can't Happen Here" by Sinclair Lewis?

edit: spelings and dilsecex tyeping.

[ September 15, 2003, 16:23: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

> The Male Stages Of Life
>
> AGE DRINK
>
> 17 beer
> 25 vodka
> 35 scotch
> 48 double scotch
> 66 Maalox
>
> SEDUCTION LINE
>
> 17 My parents are away for the weekend.
> 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
> 35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
> 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
> 66 My second wife is dead.
>
> FAVORITE SPORT
>
> 17 sex
> 25 sex
> 35 sex
> 48 sex
> 66 napping
>
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
>
> 17 "tongue"
> 25 "breakfast"
> 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
> 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
> 66 "Got home alive."
>
> FAVORITE FANTASY
>
> 17 getting to third
> 25 airplane sex
> 35 menage a trois
> 48 taking the company public
> 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
>
> HOUSE PET
>
> 17 roaches
> 25 stoned-out college roommate
> 35 German Shepherd
> 48 children from his first marriage
> 66 Barbi
>
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
> 17 25
> 25 35
> 35 48
> 48 66
> 66 17
>
> The Female Stages Of Life
>
> AGE DRINK
>
> 17 Wine Coolers
> 25 White wine
> 35 Red wine
> 48 Dom Perignon
> 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
>
> EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
>
> 17 Need to wash my hair
> 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
> 35 Need to colour my hair
> 48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
> 66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
>
> FAVORITE SPORT
>
> 17 shopping
> 25 shopping
> 35 shopping
> 48 shopping
> 66 shopping
>
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
> 17 "Burger King"
> 25 "Free meal"
> 35 "A diamond"
> 48 "A bigger diamond"
> 66 "Home Alone"
>
> FAVORITE FANTASY
> 17 tall, dark and handsome
> 25 tall, dark and handsome with money
> 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
> 48 a man with hair
> 66 a man
>
> HOUSE PET
> 17 Muffy the cat
> 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
> 35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
> 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
> 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
>
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> 17 17
> 25 25
> 35 35
> 48 48
> 66 66
>
> IDEAL DATE
> 17 He offers to pay
> 25 He pays
> 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
> 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
> 66 He can chew breakfast
>

[Ed Kolis]

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY OR STRAIGHT

(Note: This joke is not in any way intended to be offensive to gay people. Or straight people, for that matter! )

To find out if your son is gay or straight, take him to a football game. Then on the way home, ask him how many cheerleaders there were at the game.

If he says, "I dunno, Dad, I wasn't looking at the cheerleaders," he might be gay.

On the other hand, if he says, "Eight divided by two is four... four cheearleaders, Dad, there were four," he's DEFINITELY straight!

[Kamog]

The stages of life kind of get more and more depressing as you get older. Things look the best around 25-35, and then go downhill from there. Hopefully, things get better again at age 80 and 95.

[Wardad]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[Erax]

CAPITALISM EXPLAINED

Ideal Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
They multiply and the economy expands.
You sell the herd, become rich and retire.

American Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and make the other one produce four times as much milk.
You're surprised when the cow dies.

French Capitalism
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three.

Canadian Capitalism
You have two cows.
You adopt the American model.
The cows die.
You blame Third World protectionism and adopt some protectionist measures of your own so you can own three cows like the French do.

Japanese Capitalism
You have two cows.
You redesign them to be 1/10th their original size while producing 20 times as much milk.
Then you produce an anime series called "Cowmon" which you export to the rest of the world.

British Capitalism
You have two cows.
Both of them are mad.

German Capitalism
You have two cows.
They produce milk according to a regular schedule, following previously established standards for quantity and quality, in a precise and profitable fashion.
But what you really wanted was to raise pigs.

Russian Capitalism
You have two cows.
You count them and discover you have five.
You count them again and discover you have 42.
You count them again and discover you have 12.
You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss Capitalism
You have 500 cows, but none of them are yours.
You get paid to watch over other people's cows.

Spanish Capitalism
You have two cows and you are very proud of it !

Chinese Capitalism
You have two cows and 300 people milking them.
You claim to have full employment and high productivity.
The guy who leaked the numbers to the press gets arrested.

Hindu Capitalism
You have two cows.
And people had better not touch them.

Argetinean Capitalism
You have two cows.
You try to adopt the American model.
The cows die.
You sell their meat so the IMF can have a year's-end barbecue.

Brazilian Capitalism
You have two cows.
One of them gets stolen.
The government creates a Cow Tax.
An inspector fines you because although you paid the Cow Tax, you should have calculated it accoding to the number of presumed cows, not real cows.
The SRF (Brazilian IRS), also acting on presumed numbers, estimates you own 200 cows.
You give away your remaining cow so the inspector will let you off the hook.

[ September 16, 2003, 17:15: Message edited by: Erax ]

[Wardad]

Quiz Time:

What Kind Of Idiot Are You?
http://www.calgaryplanet.com/index2.html

[Fyron]

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got internet access to Intel Forums!"

I like that punch line!

[deccan]

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:

quote:

---

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got internet access to Intel Forums!"

I like that punch line!

---

Did Intel Forums exist 10 years ago?

[tesco samoa]

wardad no i have never read that book.