Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong's Head Cantina - After Hours

[dogscoff]

*Commotion from outside draws all the Cantina customers to the windows. Dogscoff is out in the parking area with a huge crowd of women around him. He appears to be selling something from the back of a frigate...

"Come on ladies, step right up, experience the wonders of a brand new technology; try the zero-gravity miracle push-up bra. Sagging and drooping are now a thing of the past, as your breasts float around in a massless state induced by a localised zero-G field. not only will you remain perpetually pert, but with one of these on you can run around as much as you like without folding your arms in front of your chest. Come one, no pushing at the back now..."

The ladies swarm around the vehicle, and the Cantina residents are treated to the spectacle of hundreds of women trying on the new miracle-garment, which causes the wearer's bust to float around randomly within the bra like bubbles in a lava lamp, creating a sort of undulating cleavage effect. Growltigga stares mesmerised, and Gryphin discretely produces a camcorder from his clothing. Saxon practically falls off of his chair.

Once his stocks have been entirely depleted, Dogscoff closes up his frigate and nips to the bacnk to deposit his earnings, then returns with enough cash to treat everyone to "Hairy bean."

*note: For those who aren't familiar with off-world cocktail recipes, the "hairy bean" is an exotic derivative of the "jelly bean". Recipes below:

Jelly Bean
==========
2 measures pernod
2 measures gin
1 measure blackcurrant cordial
stir, top up with lemonade.

Hairy Bean
==========
2 measures pernod
2 measures gin
Juice of one shaved, squeezed tribble.
stir, top up with lemonade. Garnish with tribble fur.

[Growltigga]

Hmmm, smart business opportunity Dogscoff my man.. maybe I should invite you back to the board of Tigg-a PLC? (of course we can agree to change the name back to Tigg-Scoff PLC).

'Hairy Bean' sounds like some horrible thing that would happen to you at the Pride Festival on Clapham Common. I think I will stick to pickled eggs and stout.

[Saxon]

Just so you all know, Tigga is as good as his word, I already have the photo of a lovely lady. My only complaint is that I followed Mac’s example and tried to zoom in, in the name of scientific research. All I got was a collection of little squares and not at all the big round things the first picture suggested…

Now that Dogscoff has his start up capital, I was wondering if he was going to be going into competition with Viagra. Zero gee undergarments for dysfunctional men?

[dogscoff]

Hmmm, smart business opportunity Dogscoff my man.. maybe I should invite you back to the board of Tigg-a PLC? (of course we can agree to change the name back to Tigg-Scoff PLC).

I mght be interested, but I want a promotion to Head of Interstellar Innovations (with appropriate pay rise), a seat of the Board of Directors, a company battlecruiser with aircon, electric windows and a wave motion gun, and a decent pension scheme.

I also want it written into my contract that the company has to give me three months' notice before terminating, executing, exsanguinating, decapitating, incinerating, defenestrating and/or disintegrating me and/ or banishing me to the bottom of the ocean, the depths of space, any desert or polar ice cap, Swindon, any parallel universe(s), alternate religious / ethereal plane(s) of existence and/or any other dimension or dimensions whatsoever (Alternate dimensions excluded in the event that company business compels me to use powerful recreational hallucinogens).

Furthermore, I want my plush top-floor office back, a guaranteed parking spot outside the Cantina and a pair of ex-FBWs as personal secretaries- both of whom must have been thoroughly trained at both secretarial college and Madame Ooloo's. I also want all junior executives to be compelled to address me as "Your Excellency" and an allowance to pay my personal bodyguard (Dermott, a 200 metre long genetically modified squid. It costs a fortune to keep him in whale meat.)

Given the state of your own company package, it seems to me like a reasonable proposal. Do we have a deal?

[ August 14, 2002, 11:43: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigga]

I want a promotion to Head of Interstellar Innovations (with appropriate pay rise), a seat of the Board of Directors, a company battlecruiser with aircon, electric windows and a wave motion gun, and a decent pension scheme.

We can promote you to "Vice President in Charge of Life Recreational Sciences - Narcotics and 'Play' Aids Division". The pay is reasonable but the perks are excellent. The job does carry a board seat (but no voting control), the corporate battlecruiser comes as standard (as does the nitro-kit and heavy weaponry). The pension scheme is non-contributary.

I also want it written into my contract that the company has to give me three months' notice before terminating, executing, exsanguinating, decapitating, incinerating, defenestrating and/or disintegrating me and/ or banishing me to the bottom of the ocean, the depths of space, any desert or polar ice cap, Swindon, any parallel universe(s), alternate religious / ethereal plane(s) of existence and/or any other dimension or dimensions whatsoever (Alternate dimensions excluded in the event that company business compels me to use powerful recreational hallucinogens).

This is a tough one. Standard company terms are 1 minutes notice before terminating, executing, exsanguinating, decapitating, incinerating, defenestrating and/or disintegrating and/ or banishment to the bottom of the ocean, the depths of space, any desert or polar ice cap, Swindon, any parallel universe(s), alternate religious / ethereal plane(s) of existence and/or any other dimension or dimensions whatsoever. Sequestration can have a 3 month notice period which I am happy to give you. I shall also give you 3 months' notice of having your happy sacks waxed or being required to undergo rectal examinations or being banished to Portsmouth. Acceptable?

Furthermore, I want my plush top-floor office back, a guaranteed parking spot outside the Cantina and a pair of ex-FBWs as personal secretaries- both of whom must have been thoroughly trained at both secretarial college and Madame Ooloo's.

Fine on the office (mine is much bigger), the parking spot is also not a problem (just ask the T-Rex to move) and a pair of FBW trained as you describe are standard for middle management.

I also want all junior executives to be compelled to address me as "Your Excellency" and an allowance to pay my personal bodyguard (Dermott, a 200 metre long genetically modified squid.

Apologies, but only I am addressed as "Your excellency" or "Your magnificance" by junior execs, you will have to be addressed as 'my lord" or "effendi".

Dermot I am afraid is a no go, I have already developed plans to use him to make a quick windfall in supplying the calamari and chips market in Greece.

[ August 14, 2002, 11:57: Message edited by: Growltigga ]

[Growltigga]

Acceptable, if we can merge the "Narcotics and 'Play' Aids" Division with the "Persuasion and behaviour modification facilities" division

Hmmm, the current economic climate and fiscal restructuring of Tigg-A PLC makes the board loath to merge operating divisions at this time. If you wish to head a department, we have a vacancy as 'President in Charge of Genetics, Recreational Drugs, Fetishware and Rubber Goods" Division.. If I throw in an additional bonus, is that good enough for you?

I confirm that you are specifically Banned from going to Swindon. I am happy to throw in Leicester as well if that cheers you up.

*Middle* management? I won't settle for less than *Senior* management.

I am afraid there is only one senior manager at Tigg-A PLC - ME. You can be senior grade middle management if you want

Could it at least be arranged that lesser employees must cower in fear and soil themselves in the presence of Senior Management?

They do already but I shall send a memo round the company requiring cowering at the sight of you if you require

Very well, but I will require an allowance to pay an awe- inspiring personal bodyguard of some kind - one who is completely independent of the company

I am afraid this too is a no-go. Tigg-A PLC is a friendly working environment and accordingly, there is no need to bodyguards.

[dogscoff]

Hmmm, the current economic climate and fiscal restructuring of Tigg-A PLC makes the board loath to merge operating divisions at this time. If you wish to head a department, we have a vacancy as 'President in Charge of Genetics, Recreational Drugs, Fetishware and Rubber Goods" Division.. If I throw in an additional bonus, is that good enough for you?

Actually, I think I prefer the first offer. The wage isn't a major issue, having ammassed untold wealth from my exploitation of the oceans. It's the perks I'm interested in=-)

I confirm that you are specifically Banned from going to Swindon. I am happy to throw in Leicester as well if that cheers you up.

Good.

I am afraid there is only one senior manager at Tigg-A PLC - ME. You can be senior grade middle management if you want

Very well, I will be senior grade middle management, but is there any chance that everyone else of that ranking is bumped down to junior grade middle management?

They do already but I shall send a memo round the company requiring cowering at the sight of you if you require

Good. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my ex-FBW personal secretaries may cower a little if they wish, but are excused from some of the more extreme bodily expressions of awe.

I am afraid this too is a no-go. Tigg-A PLC is a friendly working environment and accordingly, there is no need to bodyguards.

Okay, no personal bodyguards. By the way, this lovely 8-foot tall lady with the horned helmet, titanium battle-corset and evaporator cannon is Doris the Immasculator. She is my personal fitness advisor and wellbeing enforcement assistant. I have to stay in shape, you know. I'm sure a friendly and progressive company like this one would approve of any such initiative which helps to ensure the continued good health and productivity of it's valued employees.

[Growltigga]

Actually, I think I prefer the first offer. The wage isn't a major issue, having ammassed untold wealth from my exploitation of the oceans. It's the perks I'm interested in=-)

The previous job is yours, and if it helps, you are also Banned from going to Llandudno and Basingstoke

Very well, I will be senior grade middle management, but is there any chance that everyone else of that ranking is bumped down to junior grade middle management?

No problem, in fact even better, I have justed order all existing middle management to be fed to the mongoose

Good. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my ex-FBW personal secretaries may cower a little if they wish, but are excused from some of the more extreme bodily expressions of awe.

Well, if you wish, I had instructed the existing FBW assigned to you to drop to their knees whenever you entered the room

Okay, no personal bodyguards. By the way, this lovely 8-foot tall lady with the horned helmet, titanium battle-corset and evaporator cannon is Doris the Immasculator.

Fitness consultants are not a porblem, but they must wear the mandaotry Tigg-A PLC explosive dog-collar just in case we need to make them redundant.

[dogscoff]

The previous job is yours,

Deal. It's good to be back.

Fitness consultants are not a porblem, but they must wear the mandaotry Tigg-A PLC explosive dog-collar just in case we need to make them redundant.

I'll let you bring her up to speed with that small formality. If during the course of that conversation she produces industrial boltcroppers from her cleavage, you are advised to cross your legs.

[Growltigga]

Deal. It's good to be back.

Yes, I agree, it is good to have a minion again

I'll let you bring her up to speed with that small formality. If during the course of that conversation she produces industrial boltcroppers from her cleavage, you are advised to cross your legs. [/QB]

yoiks, I like it rough