Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first
half of a proverb and asked him or her to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading
these keep in mind that these are first graders .. "6" year-olds, because the Last one is a classic!



Better to be safe than............ punch a 5th grader.



Strike while the ...............bug is close.



It's always darkest before................ Daylight Saving Time.



Never underestimate the power of..............termites.



You can lead a horse to water but............... how?



Don't bite the hand that................looks dirty.



No news is...................impossible.



A miss is as good as a....................Mr.



You can't teach an old dog new.............. math.



If you lie down with dogs, you'll............ stink in the morning.



Love all, trust...............me.



The pen is mightier than the................pigs.



An idle mind is...............the best way to relax.



Where there's smoke there's..............pollution.



Happy the bride who............gets all the presents.



A penny saved is............... not much.



Two's company, three's.......... the Musketeers.



Don't put off till tomorrow what.......you put on to go to bed.



Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.



There are none so blind as............Stevie Wonder.



Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.



If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.



You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.



When the blind lead the blind............ get out of the way.



And the favorite:



Better late than........................... pregnant

[Starhawk]

Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the
birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and
raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!

"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like
children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight. "

[Narratio]

I remember when all this be again...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at
his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the
motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked, "So Doc, look at this engine I open its heart, take valves out,
fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So
how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, then smiled and leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!

[tesco samoa]

NSFW http://www.pornolize.com/cgi-bin/por...forum%3Bf%3D23

Yes I put a warning there... It is quite funny but warning do not click on it if your offened by harsh language.

http://www.pornolize.com/ is the site link

i know... two Posts with site changers...

[Kamog]

not for children...
It's quite funny, though.

[Fyron]

Tesco, please rewrite those Posts so that the displayed text on the hyperlinks does not screw with the forum formatting...

[Wardad]

Eat my shorts, man!

http://www.comedyboard.com/cb.php?goto=5002656

[narf poit chez BOOM]

gee, a logically constructed political arguement.

what? you thought i meant here??

[narf poit chez BOOM]

a qoute, from: http://www.sfwa.org/writing/mistakes_allen.htm

My favorite recent sample of this nonsense: the term "temporarily able-bodied,
"denoting all those persons who unfairly do not have a handicap at the moment.
This term was used in deadly seriousness. Fun people.

[ November 25, 2003, 10:50: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Loser]

I was in the VIP lounge Last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied "**** off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."