Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong's Head Cantina - After Hours - Page 61

dogscoff · #**601** August 29th, 2002, 10:44 AM

*Dogscoff gets up from his table and crosses the bar. He leans behind the counter and presses a discrete button.

A trapdoor in the ceiling opens and a mountain of onions fall out to completely bury Tesco Samoa.

He casually returns to his table and resumes his pint.

Crazy_Dog · #**602** August 29th, 2002, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dogscoff:
*Dogscoff gets up from his table and crosses the bar. He leans behind the counter and presses a discrete button.

A trapdoor in the ceiling opens and a mountain of onions fall out to completely bury Tesco Samoa.

He casually returns to his table and resumes his pint.

Crazy_Dog report to Dogscoff to don't forget to send the bill to Tesco because is a lot of onions

Atrocities · #**603** August 29th, 2002, 11:55 AM

When was the Last time someone cleaned the mens room? My Gott People, that place is supporting life of a great many unknown creatures, germs, and bacteria. Hell at this rate, in about a week, one will need to bLast his way into the restoom, and pray that he does not get eaten by some unknown thing while releaving him self. And then they will have to look forward to the fight out.....

[ August 29, 2002, 10:56: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

Atrocities · #**604** August 29th, 2002, 12:35 PM

I found this while cleaning out old links.

I don't remember who wrote it, or where I got it.

Quote:

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your Last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your Last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.

[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

PICARD: Shields...

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but Last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.

[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What's going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.

[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

Jmenschenfresser · #**605** August 29th, 2002, 02:11 PM

Quote:

When was the Last time someone cleaned the mens room? My Gott People, that place is supporting life of a great many unknown creatures, germs, and bacteria. Hell at this rate, in about a week, one will need to bLast his way into the restoom, and pray that he does not get eaten by some unknown thing while releaving him self. And then they will have to look forward to the fight out.....

Alright...damn. Some people complain about a few drops.

*Mensch walks into the bathroom and hangs up exactly 64 pine tree-shaped air fresheners.

Done and done.

Raging Deadstar · #**606** August 29th, 2002, 07:28 PM

Lol, sssssh, ever since we started to attack those bill gates clones and slag off windows My pc won't startup unless i hold alt throughout its startup??? I knew those upgraded drivers weren't useful!!!

Hmmm taz is an evolved tazmanian devil.
*Brings Up his Encyclopedia Keyring*
The evolved tazmanian, only 1 in existance, has only 2 advanced qualities. To talk without bursting into "Yachety Smachkety" or the words taz says (not attempting to type that!), also has the ability to consume large quantities of alcohol while spinning round....

Ok i see, the Last part is vital to any species survival!

The restroom was great as it was!! You walk in, get attacked by Loo seat worshipping pygmies with toilet brushes, avoid large neptune flytraps which now have those tree air freshners hanging off their teeth. By the time you got to the cubicle (not with the one with a huge sewer snake like thing that shoots up the loo and sucks you down!) your so desperate to releave yourself, and if you suffer constapation well hey presto, your cured! Now thanks to Jmenschenfresser he has upset an ecosystem and will be plauged by the loo seat worshipping pygmies!!!"

Oh well, Taz get Jmenschenfresser Something strong of his choice on tiggas tab! I'm sure when he's intoxicated being attacked by loo brushes won't be that bad!

dogscoff · #**607** August 30th, 2002, 01:39 AM

Trajan · #**608** August 30th, 2002, 03:03 PM

Trajan adroitly sidesteps a red vested Barry as he runs into the Cantina yelling it's FRIDAY!!! and this weekend is a 3-day weekend for those of us in the USA. WOOHOO.

Rushing the bar, Trajan jumps up and begins to tap-dance in joy at the prospect of three days without having to face his cowardly, micromanaging, Harvard educated CEO! The FBWs look at him as though he has flipped his gourd and then return to their work quielty pleasing the rest of the Cantina's customers.

Taz, May I have a yard of Bass Ale please....I have some serious drinking to do!

<sniff sniff> And where is that overwhelming Pine Scent coming from???? That is definatly not a natural odor for this fine drinking establishment.

Cheers!
Trajan

[ August 30, 2002, 14:06: Message edited by: Trajan ]

Jmenschenfresser · #**609** August 30th, 2002, 03:12 PM

The loo worshippers are a highly evolved form of life...far greater than you or I...possibly greater than the entire cantina combined.

I mean can you blame them for worshipping the loo, since they have proven through equations centuries beyond us that this loo is the exact center of the universe. They wait and conjure god.

We've been using the center of the universe as our septic tank. I'm fearing for my life right now. If they ever manage to get their god to appear from the depths...I'd imagine, he's going to be mighty wrathful.

BTW, they thought it stunk too.

Timstone · #**610** August 30th, 2002, 04:20 PM

Whoa, those tree-shaped fresheners are great! They are called "Wunderbaum".
The one with the strawberry flavour, sorry... smell, is the most filthy one. It almost made me vomit in the car of a friend of mine, but the rest of those trees smell quite good.