Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

TRUE MANAGEMENT

"You will have learn and do things you don't know anything about."

[Wardad]

BLONDES



1st Degree:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

2nd Degree:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd Degree:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th Degree:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."

5th Degree:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"


6th Degree:

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant!

Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car.

"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.

That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."


7th Degree:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?



They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[Loser]

(Sentient Meat)

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The Messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I 'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind."

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

[Atrocities]

BLONDES

1st Degree:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

Thanks, I haven't laughed that hard in weeks.

TRUE STORY.

My best friend rented a room to a blond girl named Shonna. Shonna was a nice girl, but like most blonds was lacking some sense of common sense.

One day we all go out to a movie. Shona was suppose to meet us there but didn't show. After the move we all drive back to his house and low and behold there was a message on his answering machine. Shonna, having forgotten her cell phone used a pay phone to call and leave a message. The message went something like this:

"Hey I forgot what movie we are going to see. I would have called your cell but I forgot mine. I am on a pay phone, call me back when you get this message. The number here is Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. Did you get that? Ok bye."

I swear to God that that really happened. We laughed for so long that non of use could move we were so paralyzed by stomach spasms.


INCIDENT number 2.

At work we had a routine for cycling our quartz furnace tubes out of production for cleaning. After cleaning we wrap them in pLastic and store them until they can be cycled back into production. We keep a daily log of our activities so the on coming ship can read what it is the previous ship had done.

Well I was working on the D night shift, with a intelligent blond who was my Group Lead at the time. Honestly she was one smart lady and I miss not working with her a lot.

Well we come in to find one of the tubes on a transport cart covered in pLastic. I think nothing of it and move on to start work on my assignment when I looked over and saw Meredith gasping for air. I quickly moved over to see if she was ok and she was pointing wildly at the log book. Her face was blood read and she had tears coming out of her eyes. I thought she was having a heart attack. I looked down at the log book and for an instant my heart stopped two.

You see on the day shift was this little blond weasel guy that really was just that, a weasel. He was a little skinny man with the worst hair cut you could imagine. He was a Weaseley little troll of a man that could not spell worth a damn. As I stood there, reading, I began to laugh at the image that was forming in my mind. I looked over at Meredith as she was acting out the scenario on the tube. I nearly wet myself it was so funny. The log entry read:

"I raped the tube but did not have time to put her away."

Now just imagine a 5 foot 1" man smoking a cigarette while raping a 12 inch quartz hole.

It was very funny at the time.

[ February 27, 2004, 18:28: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Loser:
(Sentient Meat)

Loser, did you write this? It's very interesting. Seems like it should be in one of the story threads more then the joke thread.

[Loser]

no, I did not write it. It was an e-mail forward.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

found a comic page and i just had to post it here: http://dimbulbcomics.keenspace.com/d/20030704.html

[Atrocities]

I miss the Far Side.

[ February 28, 2004, 05:45: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

[Wardad]

More Bushisms... TRUTH or SPAM?


"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
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"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
[Washington Post, 2/17/00]
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
....Governor George W. Bush
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"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple:
Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
....George W. Bush
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On his days as an oil tycoon and entrepreneur: "I understand small business growth," he said. "I was one."
[AP, 2/16/00]
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"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
....Governor George W. Bush
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On the need for a strong defense: "There is madmen in the world, and there are terror."
[AP, 2/16/00]
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"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
....Governor George W. Bush, 9/18/95
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"Often times our teachers come out of their pocketbooks to meet the supply needs of students."
[Bush speech, Milwaukee, WI, 3/30/00]
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While discussing terrorism and various foreign threats, Bush promised to "use our technology to enhance uncertainties abroad."
[New York Times, 3/6/00]
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"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
....Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
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"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and we knew exactly who the "they" were. 'It was us versus them. And it was clear who "them" was.... Today, we're not so sure who the "they" are,' he continued, pausing as giggles began emanating from the crowd. 'But we know they're there.'"
[Boston Globe, 1/23/00]
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"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

False, apparently. What he actually said was:

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."
--Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

[Wardad]

A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.

"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."