Jokes and Riddles Centre - Page 74

Wardad · #**731** April 29th, 2004, 10:09 PM

Jack, it was a jest.

Randallw · #**732** April 30th, 2004, 01:34 AM

Given the only two choices, and considering I have no real knowledge of photography, I would choose the black and white. From what I know the award winning photos, such as those of Ansell Adams, are always in Black and white, so it would appear I would have a better chance of winning an award if I went with the black and white.

Wardad · #**733** April 30th, 2004, 02:19 AM

Quite possibly the funniest thing this guy has ever written...

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have .. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do ...
Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dysleptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot . but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride Lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."

narf poit chez BOOM · #**734** April 30th, 2004, 04:51 AM

I don't even like roller coasters.

Kamog · #**735** April 30th, 2004, 05:33 AM

I'm willing to try it. I'll just remember to not eat anything for two or three days before the ride.

rdouglass · #**736** April 30th, 2004, 03:14 PM

This is got to be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. This guy has over 10 million hits at the time I'm posting this:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...146756343&rd=1

Wardad · #**737** May 5th, 2004, 03:22 PM

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, but they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.
He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

Gandalf Parker · #**738** May 5th, 2004, 09:41 PM

OK I meant to get more into the game abit, and do an example before bringing up the subject, but here goes anyway.

In a DnD forum we had great fun with jokes but we made a big effort to try and "DnD" them.
Orc #1: "Your wife makes good soup"
Orc #2: "yeah but Im gonna miss her"
(modified cannibal joke)

Anyway, Im looking at some of these jokes and wondering if the community would still get them, and find them even funnier if they were "Space Empired"? I wish I had a good example to end this post with but maybe some of you can come up with some.

narf poit chez BOOM · #**739** May 6th, 2004, 01:15 AM

http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/Gian...otscript?SK=12
http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/Gian...otscript?SK=18

And I'm still laughing.

[ May 05, 2004, 12:22: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Randallw · #**740** May 6th, 2004, 06:25 AM

A cannibal and his son are hunting in the jungle for dinner. They come across the fattest female Zoologist they have ever seen looking at some monkeys.
"Can we have her for dinner?" says the son.
"No son, too much fat. Definitely not good for you" replies the father, and they continue on.
Soon they find a skinny Botanist looking at some rare flowers.
"What about her, Dad?" asks the son.
"No Son" replies the father "theres not a bit of meat on her"
After some more searching they come across a young female explorer, the most attractive, fitest, blonde they have ever seen.
"She'll do" says the father.
So he keeps the blonde and has his wife for dinner.