Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I asked, "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh**head's.

8. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

9. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

10. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What I do today, will probably burn my butt tomorrow

[ June 08, 2004, 02:05: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I've been hearing about this song called 'send in the clowns'.

Any good?

[Parasite]

Originally posted by Wardad:
GOOD

A Richardson, Texas policeman...

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. ...

BEST ...

This is funny, but the best part is I live in Plano, and work in Richardson. Talk about close to home!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

45 top 20 RPG lists: http://www.webrpg.com/survey/

Pretty funny. From the 'Top Thirty Ways To Kill A Munchkin':

Something I did on my game world was to wipe out magic...

At the end of a particular quest, the PCs managed to locate a tome of incredible power. Only, removing the book from it's resting place angered a particular deity, who tended to thumb through the book on occasion... The angered deity decided to punish the mortals by negating all magic existing in the world!

That is to say, *any* item, scroll, potion, etc that was already enchanted lost it's magical properties... New spells would continue to work as they were cast, and new magical items could be created, but all the old existing ones were suddenly non-magical.

The super-warrior of the party, complete with girdle of Giant Strength, Plate armor +3, Longsword +4, and Ring of Regeneration, etc, etc (all gained from a different GM) was reduced to a regular old "average" fighter... First battle they came up against after the magic faded, he rushed into melee as usual, not realizing what had become of his precious magically enhanced items... He had to be saved by the "weakling" Mage (that fighter thought all mages were weaklings), much to his own embarrassment. The fighter didn't Last much longer though, as the next encounter proved fatal. Old habits die hard, and he died quickly...

The next character that Player drew up had the "no magic items" clause in mind, and he actually came up with a superb PC with *personality*. Will wonders never cease?

[Wardad]

FASHION ADVICE FOR THE CLOSE TO OR OVER 50 CROWD



Many of us "Older Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether we should conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC,



California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results:



The following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:



1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker



Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

You just have to have the highest post, don't you?

[Atrocities]

You might be a Redneck If...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed opposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State Trooper to kiss her ***.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has never been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.
21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
ketchup.
22. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
25. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
30. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.


31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
you looking at, ****head?"
32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food Groups.
33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
or "HEY!" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
the lube rack.
37. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
38. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
39. You've been too drunk to fish.
40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
41. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
42. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
43. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
44. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
45. If your riches relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels.
46. If you've ever financed a tattoo.
47. If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
48. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
49. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
50. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You might be a Red Neck hunter if...

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatly.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
If you’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
Your hunting dog has a bigger grave site than your mother.
On a stag night you take a real deer.
You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You have more pet names for your dog than your girlfriend.
You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

[ June 17, 2004, 05:51: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

[Atrocities]

TOP TEN WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR HYPOCRITICAL, PETA-SUPPORTING NYC NEIGHBORS:

10. Drive down Broadway with your deer tied to the hood of your car.
9. Hang your unbutchered kill from your fire escape to drain.
8. Show off your fashionable new deerhide moccasins.
7. Use the politically correct paradox--invite them over for a low-fat, low-cholesterol venison dinner.
(Be sure to play "Bambi" on your VCR afterwards.)
6. Don't shower after four days in the woods.
5. Mount your deerhead over your fireplace.
4. Set out your hunting magazines on your coffee table.
3. Ask them if you can take their dog hunting with you.
2. Ask them if you can take their children hunting with you.
And our number one way to piss off your do-gooder, hypocritical, PETA-supporting NYC neighbors:
1. Join the NRA.

[Atrocities]

THE HUNTER'S DIARY
1:00 am Alarm clock rings. 2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed. 3:00 am L' Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup. 3:05 am". Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am'- Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent. 4:30 am- Head into the woods. 6:05 am - See eight deer. 6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am:- "Click". 6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill. 8:00 am L Head back to camp.
9:00 am:. Still looking for camp..
10:00 and - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 PM - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 PM Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 PM - Rescued.
12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 PM - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 PM - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 PM - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 PM - Load gun.
6:02 PM - Fire gun.
6:03 PM - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 PM : Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 PM - Fall into fire.
6:10 PM - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 PM • Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 PM - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 PM - Start walking.
6:30 PM Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 PM - Meet bear.
6:36 PM - Take aim.
6:37 PM - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 PM - Make mess in pants..
6:39 pin - Climb tree.
9:00 PM - Bear departs - wraps gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at Last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting
license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game
Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.

dogyams

[Atrocities]

your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.
9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.