Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Atrocities]

1 Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2 If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
3 If you push the cyclic forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the cyclic back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the cyclic back -then they get bigger again)
4 Flying NVS is not dangerous; crashing NVS is dangerous.
5 It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
6 The rotor system is just a big fan on top of the helicopter to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
7 Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8 It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
9 The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
10 Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!
11 Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the helicopter another time.
12 The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
13 Always remember you fly a helicopter with your head, not your hands. Never let a helicopter take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
14 You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power
15 Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
16 A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
17 Hey WOJG, was that a landing or were we shot down?
18 Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
19 Trust your stick buddy .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
20 Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
21 Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
22 Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
23 There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
24 The only thing worse than a PIC who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a PIC
25 Be nice to your Platoon Leader, he may be your Commander at your next unit.
26 Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
27 A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
28 Son, I was flying gunships for a living when you were still in liquid form.
29 It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
30 A GUN PILOT is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
31 A fool and his money are soon flying more helicopter than he can handle.
32 Remember, you're always a student in an helicopter.
33 Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
34 Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
35 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
36 There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
37 Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you... Runway behind you... Fuel in the FARP... Half a second ago... Approach plates in your helmet bag...The height/velocity you don't have.
38 Attack Aviation is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
39 Asking what a pilot thinks about DES is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
40 Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
41 Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Got this one of off RPGsurvey too.

I just got the perfect thing to do when doing a test. (Wish I could do this)

When your doing a multiple choice test, take out a d4 and roll it. Don't actually choose your answer off of it, just roll it, check the number, nod or something and circle the right answer.

It would help if you actually know the right answers, but I figure however well you do, you could probably crack at least one good comment. Not to mention the strange looks you'll get. Especially if you do well.

[ June 18, 2004, 01:34: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

more from RPGsurvey:

Player 1: "What? He threw a WHAT at us?" ... GM (me): " A chicken." ... Player 2: "A fowl trick." ... Everyone else: *groan* ... Player 1: "We're being shelled." ... Everyone else: *groan* ... Player 3: "Eggs-citing."... Everyone else: *groan* ... Me: "Stop cracking yokes."

From a RPG site, bit of an explanation first. this player had a habit of turning himself into a tarresque sp?. Which, if I remeber right, is a large, dinosaur like creature:

DM: 'You hit a wall'
Player: 'I open it!'

[Gandalf Parker]

From my own RPG games...

I buy a horse, I buy a bow. Can you use a bow? No but I might as well learn. (later) We see a kobold hunting party? We charge! Im going to use my new bow. You roll a one. Charging, on a new horse, with a new weapon, you rolled a fumble. At full gallup you just shot your horse in the back of the head.

"I open the door and thrown in a fireball"
"you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into the room"
"I open the door and thrown in a fireball"
"you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into the room"
"I open the door and thrown in a fireball"
"you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into a closet"

"Your dog is dead." "I take him with me" In town they have it stuffed and a magic mouth cast on it. Now the comment in the game is "the dead dog checks for traps" as they thow it into the room where it stands and barks

The Ogre in the group had a habit of having the Gnome check for traps, by throwing him.

You see carved into a tabletop in the bar, "for a good time, call Hastur". What do you do?

The dragon appears to be sleeping on piles of coin. You can see its sides moving slowly. "We sneak up on it and all attack together". It splits open and out fall carrion crawlers, rot grubs, and a small otyugh. The next day the town crier reports "Party of Brave Adventurers killed by Dead Dragon!" (the real pisser was that the party which had already killed the dragon had taken all thr treasure, except for the silver and copper of course)

I yell at the charging Barbarian Leader "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME TO PROVE THAT YOU WERE YOU?". What is his reaction?

I point behind him and yell at the Ogre "LOOK, ITS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!" What does he do?

"We bash in the door." You enter and find...
"We bash in the door." You enter and are attacked...
"We bash in the door." You enter and find...
"We knock on the door." Ummmm... ummm... a grumpy voice inside says "what?". We growl "Pizza"

And our favorite long-running joke...
Whats a cow cost? 16 copper. We buy a cow. But you are going into a dungeon. Yes we push the cow in front of us to "check for traps". We follow the cow. We are the Cult of the Cow! She is our leader!

[ June 18, 2004, 15:34: Message edited by: Gandalf Parker ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by Gandalf Parker:
From my own RPG games...
You see carved into a tabletop in the bar, "for a good time, call Hastur". What do you do?

(Find a different inn. I don't want to risk scratching out the name and sooner or later someones gonna. Actually, I'll find a different town. Maybe in a different country.)

I yell at the charging Barbarian Leader "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME TO PROVE THAT YOU WERE YOU?". What is his reaction?

(Kills you?)

I point behind him and yell at the Ogre "LOOK, ITS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!" What does he do?

(It's an ogre. Looks behind himself, of course.)

"We bash in the door." You enter and find...

(Probably a room built of 10x10x10x squares)

"We bash in the door." You enter and are attacked...

(Shouldn't have sat down)

"We bash in the door." You enter and find...

(Didn't we do this already?)

"We knock on the door." Ummmm... ummm... a grumpy voice inside says "what?". We growl "Pizza"

(And the Dragon LIKES adventurer toppings)

[Wardad]

I don't know how true it is but it sounds good .... fun reading ..

Here's some stuff you never read in your history books


LIFE IN THE 1500'S


The next time you wash your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they soon started to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women nd finally the children. Last of all were the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-(thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.)

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up a nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big Posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than plain dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floors to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance to hold the thresh. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and not much meat. They'd eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.Some- times stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

When they could obtain pork, it made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they'd hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They'd cut off a little to share with guests and all sat around and "chewed the fat."

Those with money owned plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning & death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather round, eat & drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "Wake."

England is old and small so the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they'd dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone-house" & reuse the grave. When reopening the coffins, many were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they'd been burying people alive. So they tied a string on the wrist of the "corpse", lead it through the coffin.up to the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

[Suicide Junkie]

This sure sounds like a joke:

- Internationally, a material is not classified as a radioactive material until it has a radionuclide activity concentration of 70 Becquerels/gram.

- In the European Community the unconditional release limit for materials containing radium is 10 Bq/g
- In the United States, levels are much more conservative ... at less than 0.37 Bq/g.
- In Canada, unconditional release limits are among the lowest in the world with unconditional release granted if the activity level is 0.30 Bq/g or less.
Material with up to 1 Bq/g of activity may be acceptable for release if radiological assessments indicate that the way in which it is used will not result in any greater amount of exposure than if it were 0.30 Bq/g or less.

-

The coffee you drank this morning?
About 1 Bq/g

Fertilizer on your lawn?
2.2 Bq/g

Your campfire wood?
3.4 Bq/g

The Human Body?
About 4 Bq/g

-

If you live in the US or Canada, your kids are worse than radioactive waste!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

The Head of Vecna: http://www.hut.fi/~vesanto/link.fun/stupid.pcs.html
Think about it...

The Most Important D&D Guide You Will EVER, Yes, EVER Come Across: http://invasivesurgery.tripod.com/se.../headwall.html

The munchkins Jingle Bells: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare...okes/xmas.html

[ June 23, 2004, 06:21: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Two buzzards are sitting on a tree, waiting for something to die. And they wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And one of them starts grumbling...

And wait...

Still grumbling...

And wait...

Finally, the other one says 'Be patient. Something will die sometime.'

'Patience my ***, I'm going to go out and kill something!'

Just as an informal poll, how many people read this thread?

[ June 29, 2004, 04:49: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Renegade 13]

I do